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The Debriefing: Redskins and Panthers, I'm Going to Have to Ask You to Lose This Week

mjdPosted Oct 23rd 2007 9:00AM by mjd

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.



On today's list:

• A special message to the Redskins and the Panthers ... please don't get good all the sudden
• My very magical World Series prediction
• A requiem for Ronnie Brown, and the fantastic fantasy year he was having
• A small bit of skepticism aimed at Paul Byrd and his dentist
• Advice for the Chicago Bears and Pitt Panthers: Sometimes, coaches are a hindrance
• A large picture of someone with nice lady parts
• Much, much, more ...

Dear Panthers and Redskins: Please Don't Screw This Up For Us
New England managed to make its thrashing of the Dolphins newsworthy, and Indianapolis followed that up last night with an even more impressive thrashing of the Jaguars.

So ... if things go as planned, these two bastions of football greatness will meet in 2 weeks, both with perfect records, both looking unbeatable, and it will be the most important thing that's ever happened to any of us in our entire lives.

Unless the Redskins or Panthers screw it up for us on Sunday.

Those are the respective opponents of New England and Indianapolis in Week 8, and if Roger Goodell wanted to bring in Tim Donaghy and ask him to guest-referee one of those games ... I wouldn't object.

The Redskins in particular concern me ... they're the toughest matchup the Patriots have faced yet. The Pats got the Chargers when they were down, and Dallas didn't have the secondary required to hang with the Pats ... but the Redskins might. Their pass defense has done some impressive things in recent weeks.

Of course, it would help my argument if Kurt Warner hadn't touched them up for 282 passing yards this weekend (they did force 2 interceptions, though) ... but prior to that, the Redskins were able to put a couple of pass-happy offenses on lockdown.

They went into Lambeau and held Brett Favre to 19-of-37 for 188 yards, 0 touchdowns, and 2 interceptions. The week before that, they put the clamps on Jon Kitna/Mike Martz, as Kitna went 16-of-29 for 106 yards, 0 touchdowns, and 2 interceptions.

They confuse teams, they keep them off-balance, they disguise coverages, and they've got safeties who can cover a lot of ground in a hurry. Gregg Williams appears to finally be earning his paycheck.

Statistically, the 'Skins are the #1 pass defense in the league, giving up just 5.56 yards per attempt, a half-yard better than anyone else. They allow an opposing quarterback rating of 67.7, also best in the league.

And the Patriots ... they are throwers of the football. That's their M.O. If the Patriots were Eddie Murphy, comedy would be their passing game, and a musical career would be their running game. In their last two outings, they've got 51 carries for 159 yards.

Don't get me wrong, I still expect the Patriots to win, and to win pretty handily ... but the Redskins have enough going for them in the secondary that they might be able to make things a little uncomfortable for the Pats.

The same is not quite as true of the Colts against the Panthers. However, anytime the calendar reads "2007," and you're facing Vinny Testaverde, I'd say that qualifies as an odd matchup. The fact that Vinny Testaverde is playing at all is proof that anything is possible.

Just please get through Week 8 ... if we're going to suffer through the constant parade of the media clinging to Tom Brady's jockstrap and its overwhelming gravitational pull ... at least let us have this Week 9 matchup as pristine and perfect as God intended it to be.
Predictions Based on Magic
My prediction for the World Series?

Rockies in 4.

This prediction is not based on logic or anything tangible. My prediction is based on magic. I believe that that purple dinosaur pictured to your right generates magic in the blue spots around his head. The orange spots generate toothpaste.

The prediction of a Rockies sweep ... I can't possibly justify that with any reason or sound judgement. I'm aware of this.

But it also didn't make sense to believe that the Rockies would have made the playoffs to begin with, and then proceed to sweep Philadelphia in the divisional series, and then Arizona in the LCS. The recent track record shows that we're better off ignoring logic here.

I was talking about this last night with Red Sox fan and fellow FanHouser Nick Dallamora, and I told him of my Rockies sweep prediction. He asked, "Do you really think they'll beat Josh Beckett in Game 1? In Fenway?"

And I thought to myself, "Yeah, that really sounds absurd."

But I'm going with it anyway. Why? Magic. Purple. Dinosaur.
At This Rate, Week 15's Top Fantasy Running Back Will Be Aaron Stecker
How far away are we from a generation of kids who grew up playing fantasy football, all going to medical school to try to figure out a way to repair a torn ACL overnight?

Enough kids are playing fantasy football, and ACL injuries are aggravating enough to fantasy owners that this could happen. I'm not saying they'll actually be successful in their efforts, but you might get a wave of people trying.

If I was in high school right now, and Ronnie Brown was on my fantasy team, and I had my whole future to do over again ... I'd get into med school, and I'd spend my life trying to invent titanium-based anterior cruciate ligaments that are indestructable and can be inserted into people on an outpatient basis. And if I were to be successful, you'd name your kids after me.

Ronnie Brown's ACL is shredded, sending 2007's most successful (depending on your scoring system) fantasy football player to the sidelines for the rest of the year. By my count, this leaves 3 or 4 consistently excellent running backs in the league, and after that, a handful of guys you can count on to maybe score more than 10 for you every week.

I can't wait to see what next year's fantasy football magazines look like. If they have any interest in being honest, they won't put a player on the cover, they'll just show a dork perusing an injury report, with the words, "YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE," in a huge, yellow, 80-point font.
I Don't Think I Can Take Your Word For This One, Paul Byrd
Indians pitcher Paul Byrd, much like anyone else who's ever been caught using HGH or steroids, has a perfectly good reason for it. He says that any HGH he used was always under the prescription of a doctor, and that he never hid his use from Major League Baseball, or the teams for which he played.

Which sounds perfectly reasonable. Except:

The "doctor" who prescribed some of his steroids was actually a dentist who later had his license suspended for reasons of fraud and incompetence, Byrd's last two employers, the Angels and the Indians, both say they weren't aware that Byrd was using HGH until the news broke late last week, and Major League baseball says they never gave anyone permission to use HGH.

On the believability scale, I'd say that puts Byrd's excuses somewhere above Floyd Landis, but below Shawne Merriman.

The guy was a dentist ... I love that. That's like me going and buying heroin from a toothless guy in a babyblue tracksuit who calls himself "Dr. Whitehorse," and then telling the cops that it's OK, because I got it from a doctor.

Just because you got it from a "doctor" doesn't make it legit ... especially if that doctor also does root canals on the side. I've watched enough House and ER to know that doctors who specialize in filling cavities and distribution of Human Growth Hormone are exceptionally rare. What, did this guy prescribe HGH becuase he thought your bicuspids needed to grow a little?
For the Scrapbook ...


I'm not a professional driver, but there's a technique I like to use in situations like this. I call it, "Slow down before I drive into the other guy."
Better Off Without Coaches: Pitt Panthers, Chicago Bears
Not to go all Billy Hoyle on you, but I would like to quote myself from last Thursday's Debriefing:
Pitt's a 10-point underdog this week against 23rd-ranked (BCS) Cincinnati, but if you ever wanted to bet on Pitt ... I think this week's your chance ... Because Dave Wannstedt will be a little bit farther away from the team than usual. He got a sprained mustache, and because of this, he'll be coaching from upstairs in the booth, while offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh will take over on the sidelines.
Final Score: Pitt 24, Cincinnati 17.

I don't say this to pat myself on the back ... after all, it does not take a football savant to know that when you subtract Dave Wannstedt, you add to your chances of winning.

I mention it because I think there are parallels to be drawn to yesterday's game-winning drive by Chicago Bears QB Brian Griese, who may or may not have been calling his own plays.

As detailed here at We Are the Postmen, Griese said on Sunday that he did call his own plays, except for the last one ... but strangely, yesterday, he met with the media to say, "Oh, that's not true, I only called a couple, and it's important to note that my coaching staff is, indeed, awesome, and not really stupid, as I made them look yesterday." Or something similar.

I'm not saying that Pitt would be better off without Dave Wannstedt ... I'm saying they'd be way better off. And the same probably goes for the Bears and their offensive coordinator Ron Rivera. I don't know if there have ever been two more convincing arguments to be made for the dismissal of coaches.
It's My Sincere Hope That Your House Isn't Burning Down ...
I wanted to take a second and wish the best to those people in Southern California whose homes are, you know ... engulfed in flames right now.

May your local firemen be brave and strong, may all your stuff be flame-retardant, and may the wind die down quickly, or at least shift in the direction of a homeowner you really hate. And may someone, if they have the time and inclination in this time of tragedy, please see if you can't frame Norv Turner for arson.

As for the massively unimportant implications in the sports world here ... personally, I find it odd to read articles like this one, getting updates on the homes of people who are very, very, rich. Don't get me wrong, I love LaDainian Tomlinson and Tony Gwynn, but ... well, they're in a better position to deal with losing a house than most other people involved.

The last time something like this happened with the Chargers, it didn't work out so well for them ... I mean, in ways other than their community being torched.

They had a Monday Night game at home against the Dolphins, but their stadium was being used as an evacuation center ... so the Cardinals were nice enough to host the game for them, and the Chargers got stomped.

So if the Texans win on Sunday, I'm blaming the fire, and I'm accusing the Texans of exploiting a tragedy for their own personal gain.

Also, some advice for the San Diego Fire Department ... don't ask Trevor Hoffman for his help fight the blaze. The last time anyone saw him, he was throwing gasoline on to fires.
Hope You Like Rick Reilly, Because He's About to Become Omnipresent
If you missed the news, Rick Reilly is moving hismelf from Sports Illustrated to ESPN, where he'll be contributing in ESPN the Magazine, ESPN the dotcom, and on ESPN the television channel.

Here's the kind of stuff we to which we can look forward of seeing more of:
Random Eye Candy For People Who Admire the Female Form
This feature is likely to grow or somehow modify itself in the coming days and weeks. Please be patient.
The Evening's Agenda
Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

10:30, NFL Network. NFL Replay. Titans vs. Texans. Relive the magical performance of Rob Bironas.

Other Stuff ...

7:00, VS. NHL. New York Rangers @ Pittsburgh Penguins.
8:00, NFL Network. NFL Replay. Bears vs. Eagles.
9:00, FOX. House.
9:00, ESPN2. Best of Baseball Tonight.

Tags: The+Debriefing, TheDebriefing

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