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It seems every paper in Pennsylvania has a reporter dedicated to scouring the seven seas for information about Joe Paterno's pending retirement: is it pending? Like... how pending? Are we talking "imminent" or "his dessicated bones will still lord over us when it's Planet of the Apes time?" And who will they hire? Schiano? Al Golden? Bender?

No one knows. Except maybe these guys:

Players recruited by the Nittany Lions are being assured that when Paterno retires, his replacement will come from the current coaching staff rather than an outside hire.

''Mr. Paterno told me himself that his replacement is already within the staff, so he'll just bring one new guy in and bump everybody up in the ranks,'' linebacker Mike Yancich from Washington, Pa., said.

Any reasonable observer must therefore conclude that the job will go to defensive coordinator Tom Bradley, and outpost of competence amongst-

What about me?

Find out after the jump.

You're a terrible coach and the only reason you're not homless is-

STOP SEDUCING TO MY SON, JEZEBEL

I promise you I'm not a woman, and even if I was I'd-

MALARKEY. YOU'RE AS MUCH OF A HARLOT AS ELANOR ROOSEVELT

I have a beard! And-

SO DID ABIGAIL ADAMS, AND DID THAT STOP ME FROM RAVISHING HER WHEN JOHN WAS AWAY FIGHTING COSSACKS DURING THE FALKLANDS WAR?

Can I finish a sent-

NO

Can I be coach?

NO

Previously On Fanhouse:
The JoePa Chronicles: A Father, Son, and Politics Turn Sour
Jay Paterno Hearts Barack Obama on Company Time
The JoePa Chronicles: ESPN to Drop Hammer on Penn State
Schiano to Penn State Rumors as Unkillable as JoePa Himself