A New Sort of Performance Enhancement Muddies the Water

So you think performance-enhancing drugs should be legal? You should have jumped into the pool at the World Swimming Championships.

Chances are you would now be a world record-holder. A veritable Michael Phelps, at least if you'd dressed properly for the occasion.

That's a slight exaggeration, given the average American is now the size of barge. But the meet, which wrapped up Sunday in Rome, provided a real-life glimpse into what sports might become if the Legalize PEDs crowd had its way.

"A laughingstock."

So said five-time Olympic gold medalist Dawn Fraser. The Australian won her medals back when races were won by the best swimmer, not the best swimsuit.

Technology has now turned average competitors into polyurethane torpedoes, sort of like steroids turned Brady Anderson into Hank Aaron.

(Legal note -- there is no proof Anderson's 50-homer season in 1996 was juice-induced. But as they say, if it looks like a Bonds and quacks like a Bonds, it's a Bonds).

A ridiculous 43 world records were set at World Championships. That was the most since the East German women torpedoed the 1976 Olympics.

Poolside observers were suspicious since the frauleins had 25-inch biceps and more facial hair than ZZ Top. Sure enough, after the Berlin Wall fell, documents showed one was a large BALCO factory.

The Pro-PED crowd will note there is a difference between juiced-up bodies and steroid suits. True, putting on an Arena X-Glide or Jaked 01 won't enlarge your head, shrink your testicles and cause you to lie under oath.


The suits are also legal, though they will be banned in 2010. Swimmers have no union, so Don Fehr can't protect their right to completely undermine the sport. Their only hope is that Bud Selig will be named commissioner of FINA and pretend not to notice when they show up in spring training wearing fiberglass suits with propellers attached.

Except for such fringe details, the similarities get to the heart of the PED debate. Suits and steroids both artificially enhance performances, allowing athletes to excel beyond their natural ability.

That's the difference between PEDs and amphetamines, stealing signs and other forms of cheating the PED crowd likes to cite. Every time an A-Rod is exposed as cheat, various columnists, bloggers and apologists argue that all PEDs should be legal.

I've done it in a fit of exasperation, but the 14 regular readers of this column will attest that I can be an idiot. A quick Google search uncovered dozens of supposedly learned academics who also endorse PEDs.

Among them is Jasmin Guenette of the Institute for Humane Studies at George Mason, who argued that private enterprises like MLB should be able to set any rules they want.

Dr. Verner Moller of Aarhus University in Denmark said our culture shouldn't discriminate between drug-enhanced performances.

"We continue to appreciate the music of Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin despite the fact that all of them died as a consequence of alcohol and drug abuse," he wrote.

Radley Balko (no relation to the BALCO lab as far as we can tell) of Reason magazine said, "A free society isn't really free at all if it doesn't include the freedom to make what some may believe are bad decisions."

By that logic, we are enslaved because society doesn't allow us to freely pursue drugs, downloading and sex with small farm animals. What we have here is a bunch of eggheads who've listened to far too much Hendrix while stoned.

I like Hendrix too, but LSD didn't turn him into a Guitar God. If it did, half the dudes who crashed Woodstock would be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Hendrix was a natural, as is Phelps. Both dominated their stages, though Phelps has now been joined by guys who should still be playing air guitar in their garage.

They have been squeezing into suits like the Arena X-Glide. Phelps has stuck with his old LZR Racer, mainly because Speedo pays him millions to wear it.

Textile technology has progressed so fast that the LZR has gone from cutting edge to Model T. An astounding 140 world records have been set in the past 18 months, all of which served as a mere warm-up for Rome.

Germany's Paul Biedermann's time in the 200-meter freestyle had improved four seconds in the past year. Phelps hadn't lost a meaningful race in four years, but Biedermann blew him out of the water.

His time of 1:42 flat broke the world record by almost a full second. That is now swimming's version of the 61 home run mark.

Oh wait, the record is now 73 or 83 or however many Barry Bonds hit in 2001 while wearing his flaxseed swimsuit. At least Biedermann admitted the clothes made the man.

"I expected someone to break the world record," he said. "I didn't expect it to be me."

How much of it was Biedermann's actual ability? We'll never know, which leaves us with the same question we have about Bonds, A-Rod, Roger Clemens and the rest of the PED Rogues' Gallery.

And the Pro-PED crowd wants to extend it to everybody who'll ever get in a batter's box?

Phelps still won five gold medals in Rome. What might he have done if he'd worn a supercharged suit?

It's like asking what Albert Pujols would do if he hired Brian McNamee. For now, Pujols hasn't made that call. If the PED faction had its way, he'd have to. The superstars would have to juice just to keep up with the frauds.

Everybody in the pool!

Numbers would become meaningless, historical comparisons obsolete. The line between the Andersons and the Pujols would totally blur. The guy with the best scientist would win.

Is that really what we want?

If you answered yes, there was no need for you to jump into the pool last week or anytime soon.

You are already all wet.