A Mind-Bending Week in Review

It's not often two women steal the week's sports show. If Caster Semenya (right) qualifies as a woman, we just had a rare double bill.

Her gender-bending had the world scratching its head, at least until Serena Williams had us all covering our children's ears.

She called a linesman everything except a "hermaphrodite" in a U.S. Open meltdown that will live forever on YouTube. Not that there's anything wrong with being a hermaphrodite, unless it helps you become a world track champion.

Then you have a full-blown international crisis, the kind that allows sportswriters to use words like "hermaphrodite" not merely as a gratuitous cheap shot at the WNBA. If anybody deserves cheap-shotting it's Serena, not Semenya.

In case you're not up on your anatomical anomalies, tests reportedly revealed the South African is a hermaphrodite. In layman's terms, that means Semenya could also run for South Africa's men's team. For a more technical explanation, Google "Jamie Lee Curtis."

All kidding aside, you have to feel sorry for Semenya. The 18-year-old came out of nowhere to win the 800-meter world championship last month, only to have her gender laundry aired in front of the world.

It's not as if she hired Barry Bonds' trainer to get her in shape. Nature just mixed up Semenya's sexual equipment to where she can't have children but can outrun a cheetah. And with that comes some difficult questions.

Should she be allowed to compete against standard-issue women? Is it fair to make them compete against a woman who is 10 times the man Perez Hilton will ever be?

The International Association of Athletics Federation will eventually have to rule on those matters. Things could get ugly if the Monaco-based governing body takes away Semenya's gold medal.

"We will go to the highest levels of contesting such a decision," said South Africa's sports minister, Makhenkesi Stofile. "I think it would be the Third World War."

This just in: South African warships have been spotted off the coast of Monte Carlo.

That makes the Battle of the Sexes last week's biggest story, edging Serena's verbal assault the domestic dispute between Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila, not to mention the war between Richard Seymour and his car's GPS. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week:

"You lie!"

So said South Carolina congressman Joe "Serena" Wilson when Barack Obama told Congress that illegal alien hermaphrodites will not be covered under his health-care overhaul. Where was this guy when Roger Clemens was testifying before Congress?

I don't know who was lying in the Merriman affair. I do know that's what he gets for dating someone named Tila Tequila who starred in a bisexual reality TV show. Before the IAAF rules on that, here's else what you may have missed last week.

Sunday
A 15-year-old Brooklyn boy shoots himself in the penis when the gun he was carrying in his waistband slid down his pants. He was charged with reckless endangerment and attempting to impersonate a New York Giant.

Ichiro gets his 2,000th meaningless hit for the Seattle Mariners.

A 10-minute brawl breaks out during Canada's national lacrosse championship match between the New Westminster Salmonbellies and the Brampton Excelsiors, automatically qualifying both teams for the 2010 World Cup.

New England trades Richard Seymour to a Turkish prison.

Monday
In honor of clinching their 17th straight losing season, the Pittsburgh Pirates announce they are changing their name to the Pittsburgh Salmonbellies.

Sarah, a 9-year-old cheetah from the Cincinnati Zoo, sets a new land-speed record on 6.130 seconds in the 100-meter dash. The record is put on hold after tests reveal Sarah was imported from a South African zoo, where she went by the name "Stanley ."

Richard Seymour gets in his car and begins his one-man reenactment of the Donner Party's trek to California in 1846.

Tuesday
Jon Gosselin tells Good Morning America that estranged wife Kate is a hermaphrodite who fathered all eight of her children.

A man is arrested after running onto the court and kissing Rafael Nadal after a match at the U.S. Open. It turns out to be Melanie Oudin's coach.

In a nationally televised address, President Obama tells schoolchildren they need to wash their hands after shaking hands with John Calipari.

Wednesday
Allen Iverson announces "God chose Memphis as the place I will continue my career," prompting God to issue a statement denying any responsibility for the free-agent signing.

After 2,632 straight appearances, Cal Ripken's No. 8 monument is stolen from Camden Yards.

As part of his rookie hazing, Tampa Bay pitcher David Price has to leave Yankee Stadium wearing a pink dress, high heels and a blonde wig. Marv Albert offers him a ride back to his hotel room.

Thursday
A Chinese woman reportedly sets a world record when she pays $582,135 for a Tibetan mastiff. The Yankees immediately file a protest claiming Carl Pavano is still the world's most expensive dog.

A swine flu outbreak at one Chinese soccer team forces the Chinese Super League to consider suspending its entire soccer league, prompting officials request the virus be sent to the MLS.

A survey of 330 suicides since 1994 reveals the typical Golden Gate Bridge jumper is male, white, 40 years old and a Raiders fan.

Friday
Derek Jeter sets a Yankees record by getting hit on for the 2,722nd time by a groupie in a Manhattan bar.

Stranded in a snowstorm in the Sierra Nevada mountains, Richard Seymour starts chewing on his right foot in hopes of nullifying the trade to Oakland .

In his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, Michael Jordan accuses Jerry Reinsdorf, Isiah Thomas, Dean Smith and the high-school coach who cut him in the 10th grade of being hermaphrodites.

Saturday
Despite being named one Minnesota 's captains, Brett Favre says he's having 342nd thoughts and might not come out of retirement and play this season for the Vikings.

Michigan beats Notre Dame 38-34, prompting a joyous Rich Rodriguez to give his players 15 minutes off before reporting for six hours of voluntary tackling drills.

Oakland officials talk Richard Seymour off the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge and convince him to report to training camp.

This week's guaranteed developments:
Serena Williams will move to South Carolina and be elected to Congress.

In preparation for World War III, Caster Semanya will hide a pistol in her waistband. The gun will slide down her pants and accidentally fire, hitting her in the ... never mind.