Week in Review: Love Prevails and Jails

Due to the sensitive nature of this Week in Review, I urge everyone under 18 to get permission from their parents before reading. Then they can tell me if I heard this right.

David Letterman admitted to having sex with Paul Shaffer?

Pardon my confusion, but last week's news came so fast and tawdry it qualified as trashy romance novel. The main characters were Letterman, Lamar Odom, Roman Polanski, Jon & Kate, Greg Norman, Erin Andrews' stalker and the International Olympic Committee.

The IOC dumped Chicago in favor of Brazilian hottie Rio de Janeiro , breaking the hearts of thousands of Mayor Richard Daley's relatives in line to profit from the 2016 Olympics.

The worst part wasn't so much from losing to Rio as it was finishing behind Tokyo, Madrid, Managua and Duluth in the loser-leave-Copenhagen match. As much as Republicans blame the humiliation on Barack Obama telling Olympic voters he planned to take over their HMO, Chicago 's real mistake was in dispatching the wrong sales team.

Oprah and the Obamas are out. The Kardashians are in.

Further proof the reality TV sisters are bafflingly irresistible came last week when Odom married Khloe Kardashian. They'd known each other four weeks, barely long enough for Odom to realize he wasn't actually marrying Kim Kardashian or her stepfather, Bruce Jenner.

That helps explain why the marriage won't become official until they work out a prenuptial and Khloe is shocked to discover she hasn't married Kobe Bryant. In other Kardashian news, Kim and Reggie Bush got back together last week after a two-month split.

Kim and Khloe have essentially become the high-heeled version of Peyton and Eli Manning. If you had a Fantasy Temptress League, they'd be the top two picks. All of which makes you wonder what's wrong with the third sister, Kourtney.

She's not even dating a Lakers' ball boy, which officially makes her Cooper Manning, the obscure sibling who only the parents recognize.

The Kardashians' father could not be reached for comment due to the fact he died in 2003 and is currently rotting in hell for being one of O.J. Simpson's lawyers. In case you don't remember, Robert Kardashian was the Eddie Munster-looking guy standing in front of O.J. when the verdict was read.

The look on his face went directly to the Holy Crap! Hall of Fame. It was part relief, part shock and part "I can't believe I'm responsible for putting Juice the Ripper back on the streets."

I hadn't seen that kind of look until last Friday when Barack Obama was informed that IOC delegates weren't nearly as impressed by Michelle's arms as the mainstream media.

All we can do now is hope the president is better at hammering out a nuclear prenup than he was in convincing the IOC that Jay Cutler will bring a world championship to Chicago. If the nuke talks falter, the negotiating strategy has become obvious.

Send in the Kardashians. Not even the mad mullahs can resist them.

And now, a recap of last week's other steamy developments.

Sunday

Fugitive director/child predator Roman Polanski is arrested after authorities dupe him into thinking he's won free tickets to a performance by the Chinese women's gymnastics team.

In a related development, Detroit beats Washington 19-14, vindicating skeptics who said Roman Polanski would be busted before the Lions won another game.

Tiger Woods wins the FedEx Cup to become the first billion-dollar athlete who works 18 weeks a year.

Monday

A Danish study reports more than half the babies born "rich nations" will live to be 100 years old and still never see the Cubs win a World Series.

After being buried 4.4 million years, the world's oldest human-linked skeleton is found. Florida State immediately appeals, claiming Bobby Bowden's years coaching Division 2 South Georgia College make him the world's oldest hominid.

Comedian/criminologist Whoopi Goldberg says Roman Polanski did not commit "rape-rape," then adds that LeGarrette Blount did not throw a "punch-punch" and Hitler did not order a "Holocaust-Holocaust."

Tuesday

As the WNBA Finals begin, a Danish study reports all the babies born in every nation could live to be 100 and never watch a WNBA game.

After a school district bans cheerleaders from holding signs bearing Bible verses, cheerleaders start holding enlarged photos of Tim Tebow's face.

Allen Iverson says the Pistons lied to him last season when they told him he'd be the starting quarterback for the Lions.

Wednesday

After a CBS producer tries to extort $2 million in hush money, David Letterman goes on Late Night and does "Top 10 Reasons I'll Never Again Be Able to Make Fun of Bill Clinton."

To honor Communist China's 60th anniversary, the owners of the Empire State Building bathe the skyscraper in red and yellow lights and throw 60 human rights dissidents off the roof.

Michael Vick's agent says his client has signed an endorsement deal with Nike and that Vick has been accepted to the Harvard Medical School .

Thursday

Flanked by his divorce attorney, Jon Gosselin goes on "Larry King Live" and says DNA tests will prove David Letterman is the father of at least two of Kate's sextuplets.

Roman Polanski demands to be extradited to the Prattville, Ala., after 14-year-old Alexis Thompson shows up there and shoots a 65 to lead the LPGA Navistar Classic.

Terrell Owens complains that he is in a "no-win situation" with the media, which is only four fewer wins than he's in for with the Bills.

Friday

St. Louis beats Detroit in the NHL season opener in Stockholm, the Red Wings criticize Sidney Crosby for not flying over to shake their hands after the loss.

The IOC rejects Barack Obama's pitch for Chicago but says it will consider a public health option and a paying carbon tax on the Olympic flame.

TLC launches the renamed "Dave & Kate Plus 8."

Saturday

Chris Evert announces she's leaving Greg Norman after discovering she'd been fooled into signing a prenuptial agreement giving her custody of all his green jackets.

An Encino, Cal., man is arrested for trying to extort $2 million from Jerry Rice by revealing he once played for the Raiders.

After a two-month investigation, FBI agents arrest David Letterman for secretly videotaping Erin Andrews in the nude.

This week's guaranteed developments:

Oprah will buy Rio de Janeiro and announce she plans to move the city to the shores of Lake Michigan by 2016.

Roman Polanski's agent will announce his client has signed an endorsement deal with Nike.

After the International Team wins the President's Cup, captain Greg Norman will dedicate the victory to his new bride, Kourtney Kardashian.