Week in Review: Believe It or Not

It was a bird! It was a plane! It was a hoax!

A homemade balloon got loose with a six-year-old passenger, triggering a national panic not seen since Rush Limbaugh became untethered and floated over the NFL until being shot down by Al Sharpton.

Richard Heene, Balloon Boy's father, went on national TV and swore it wasn't a publicity stunt. It would have been more convincing if he hadn't been wearing a Bigfoot costume.

Amid such craziness, we needed a story people could really believe in. As usual, it was provided by American's High Priestess of Redemption, Oprah Winfrey. She reunited Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield for the first time since Tyson mistook Holyfield's ear for a pork rind.

"This is a beautiful guy," Tyson said, eyeing Holyfield's good ear.

Holyfield said he had no hard feelings. In fact, he has no feelings at all at the tip of his left ear. Thus Tyson was absolved by Oprah.

Her producers reportedly taped a week of such shows, bringing together old enemies to come clean in the name of peace, love and ratings. If you want a sneak preview, you'll have to keep reading. Which brings us to our quote of the week.

"Mom, I feel like I'm going to vomit."

So said Falcon Heene, a.k.a. Balloon Boy, during one his 284 national TV interviews. We don't want to make false accusations, but any parent wacky enough to name their child "Falcon" is flighty enough to build an inflatable muffin, let it loose and claim the kid is trapped inside.

When reached for comment, the parents of Rory Sparrow denied they'd ever heard of the Heenes. As did the parents of Larry Bird, Lynn Swann, Tony Hawk, Robin Roberts, John David Crow, Dan Quayle and Walter Pidgeon.

Now before we invoke the hallowed name of the Partridge family, here's a recap of last week's other semi-believable events.
Sunday

A 1,000-pound pine statue of Thurman Thomas is stolen from Ralph Wilson Stadium. In the police report, the Bills also say the 225-pound piece of deadwood known as Terrell Owens has been missing all season.

After the U.S. stomps the International team to win the Presidents Cup, Barack Obama apologizes to the Third World for America's golf imperialism and orders Augusta National to dismantle its nuclear weapons.

Former Raiders assistant Randy Hanson tells Yahoo! that head coach Tom Cable not only broke his jaw in their preseason fight, he also threatened to make him coach JaMarcus Russell.

Monday

A day after Anthony Kim routed him in the Presidents Cup, Robert Allenby claims Anthony Kim was out drinking until 4 a.m. the night before their match and calls him the "current John Daly." Daly immediately demanded an apology, saying he would never stop partying before 6 a.m.

Rush Limbaugh's bid to buy the St. Louis Rams is rocked when several newspapers, citing Wikipedia sources, report Limbaugh assassinated Martin Luther King Jr.

Oprah's audience of Red Sox fans riots after Manny Ramirez quits midway through the show citing a bum knee.

Tuesday

Famed professional wrestler Captain Lou Albano reportedly dies, though only WWE fans believe he didn't actually fake his death.

After the NFL expresses concern about Rush Limbaugh being "divisive," Colts owner Jim Irsay says he could never endorse Limbaugh's ownership bid because he might pack up the Mayflower vans and try to move the Rams out of St. Louis in the middle of the night.

Oprah reunites Martha Burk and Hootie Ingram, who graciously offers Burk a membership at Augusta National if she'll undergo sexual reassignment surgery and change her name to "Booger."

Wednesday

After negotiations with Dick Butkus and Ray Nitschke break down, the Patriots re-sign Junior Seau to shore up their linebacker corps.

The NASCAR Hall of Fame announces its inaugural class of inductees: Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt, Junior Johnson, Bill France and Barack Obama.

Oprah's reuniting of Raiders coach Tom Cable and former assistant Randy Hanson goes terribly off-script when Cable bites off part of Hanson's left ear.

Thursday

NBC's Sunday Night Football host Keith Olbermann criticizes conservative columnist Michelle Malkin's "total mindless, morally bankrupt, knee-jerk, fascist hatred, without which Michelle Malkin would just be a mashed-up bag of meat with lipstick on it." He then announces the NFL has approved his bid to buy the Rams.

LeBron James starts suffering flu-like symptoms. Stan Van Gundy blames the replacement refs -- and is fined $1 million by the NBA.

Atlanta's all-male Morehouse College, home of famed hurdler Edwin Moses, votes to ban students from wearing women's clothing. There's a Caster Semenya joke in here, but he/she's suffered enough.

Rush Limbaugh goes on Oprah and tells her the only reason she's so popular is because the media is desirous that a black talk-show host do well.

Friday

Brady Quinn puts his Cleveland house up for sale, saying he wants to spend more time in Eric Mangini's dog house.

A Hammond, La., justice of the peace denies a marriage license to an interracial couple, prompting MSNBC to report that Rush Limbaugh planned to move the Rams to Hammond.

The O.J. jurors go on Oprah and admit they thought Judge Lance Ito was merely asking them to vote whether the caterer put too much mayo on their sandwiches that day.

Saturday

The Atlanta Falcons announce they plan to have Falcon Heene descend from the sky and deliver the game ball before their Nov. 8 game against the Redskins.

Three pigs at Minnesota State Fair are diagnosed with swine flu. Stan Van Gundy blames the replacement refs and is fined $2 million by the NBA.

Chicago's Paul Robeson High School reports 115 students are pregnant. Oprah producers deny Evander Holyfield had anything to do with it.

What about the upcoming week?

After losing again to USC, Notre Dame admits hiring Charlie Weis was all just a hoax.

Al Gore is forced to renounce global warming after Alex Rodriguez gets lost in a blizzard while trying to find third base at Yankee Stadium.

Oprah kicks Richard Heene off the set after he says he originally designed the balloon as a bridal gown for her.