Week in Review: Manny Being Cloudy

Hot on the vapor trail of the Balloon Boy, the week's big mystery was Northwest Flight 188 overshooting its destination by 150 miles.

That one is easy to explain. Balloon Slugger was in the pilot's seat.

The FAA said the pilots lost "situational awareness," which automatically incriminates Manny Ramirez.

He has been a one-man Flight 188 his entire career. But last week his situational awareness reached rarified air. Instead of cheering his teammates on in the ninth inning, he was taking a shower as the Dodgers lost Game 4 of the NLCS.

That earned him nationwide scorn, but people shouldn't have been so judgmental. Maybe Manny had really bad B.O. and just wanted to freshen up before his teammates returned to the clubhouse. Or maybe he thought postseason games only last eight innings.

That's why as a private service, we are dedicating this Week in Review to Capt. Ramirez. He undoubtedly was unaware of last week's big news that the Detroit Shock is moving to Tulsa.

What's that? You didn't know it either?

To quote Saudi Arabia's Minister of Religious Zealotry, "Sixty lashes for you!"

That's how many a female TV anchor got for being on a show in which a Saudi man discussed sex. If sex is that taboo in the Kingdom, I guess we should just be thankful there's no ESPN Riyadh. More on that and other stories in a minute, but first our quote of the week.

"The chances of that happening are about the same as Big Foot having my baby."

So said Gonzaga coach Mark Few about some scheduling proposal from Washington. The circumstances really don't matter. I just can't resist any quote involving Big Foot and pregnancy.

The image is hilariously preposterous. Then again, Manny was taking female fertility drugs to either mask steroid use or get pregnant. What's to say Big Foot can't get pregnant?

Not by Few, but what if Big Foot got a job as an ESPN production assistant? All I know is I'd like to be there when he leaves a letter on Steve Phillips' front door.

Now, before the Saudis buy AOL and give me 500 lashes, let's get to last week's situations you may not have been aware of.

Sunday

Flaunting stadium rules, a vendor at FedEx Stadium is caught selling beer in a men's bathroom. He relocates at halftime and starts giving it away in the Redskins locker room.

China expels pistol shooter Li Jie from its national games after a urine test turns up Propranolo, a drug that reduces trembling. Raheem Morris immediately orders 50 doses of Propranolo for Tampa Bay's game against New England.

LeBron James tells Maxim the person he'd most like dunk on is George W. Bush. Dick Cheney then tells FOX that the person he'd most like to take hunting is LeBron James.

Monday

The Obama Administration says it will relax rules on medical marijuana use. Four hundred and thirty NBA players immediately reveal they have glaucoma.

A Wyoming man is arrested after police say he used counterfeit money to pay for exotic dancers. Defense attorneys say the man simply found Patrick Ewing's old wallet and "something just came over him."

Redskins management strips coach Jim Zorn of his play-calling duties but says he will still be allowed to walk Dan Snyder's dog every Sunday.

Tuesday

After the Phillies rally in the ninth to beat Los Angeles, Ramirez gets out of the shower and asks reporters why Tommy Lasorda took him out of the game early.

LeBron James says he is mentoring Terrelle Pryor, which explains why Pryor hasn't shaken an opponent's hand all season.

Citing polls that say taxpayers are tired of exorbitant compensation packages, President Obama orders pay cuts for Wall Street executives and Kentucky basketball recruits.

Wednesday

The SEC suspends the officiating crew that worked the Florida-Arkansas game after tapes show four officials bowing to Tim Tebow and asking him to cure them of their blindness.

At his introductory press conference, Tulsa coach Nolan Richardson promises to bring his old "Forty minutes of hell" style. David Stern is seen in the background mouthing "Forty minutes? It's been 12 years of hell for me."

Due to weak attendance the first two weeks, the UFL announces it is moving some remaining games to Dennis Green's back yard.

Thursday

The Angels beat the Yankees in Game 5 of the ALCS. Since it was on FOX, the Obama Administration rules it an illegitimate game and must be played on MSNBC to count.

The flame for the Vancouver Winter Olympics is lit in Olympia, Greece. It is immediately transported to ESPN headquarters, where Steve Phillips uses it to burn all his phone records for the past three months.

Irate Sen. Orrin Hatch asks the Justice Department to investigate the BCS in hopes of finding out why he hasn't been asked to appear on Dancing With the Stars.

Friday

After a series of blown calls throughout the playoffs, Major League Baseball announces it is junking its usual umpire rotation and bringing in an SEC crew to work the World Series.

The New York Daily News reports that Alex Rodriguez's playoff hot streak might be due to girlfriend Kate Hudson introducing him to Buddhism. In a related story, 34 monks test positive for HGH.

Striking NBA officials agree to a new two-year deal that will require them to blow only 12 calls per game.

Saturday

After losing a bet that no city would ever take the Shock off Detroit's hands, a Michigan man sets a Guinness World Records mark by stuffing 16 cockroaches in his mouth.

The Japanese Swimming Federation announces its athletes will no longer be allowed to dye their hair or wear earrings. Fourteen of the country's leading backstrokers say they are defecting to the NFL.

After learning that Marge Simpson will pose nude in an upcoming issue of Playboy, Manny Ramirez tells friends he'd really like go out with her.

This Week's Guaranteed Situations

A-Rod hits three home runs to propel the Yankees to the World Series. Hank Steinbrenner names the Dalai Lama as the team's new hitting coach.

Marcus Jordan reveals that if he doesn't wear Nikes at adidas-sponsored UCF, his father has threatened to include him in his next retirement speech.

LeBron James misses the Cavaliers' season opener after going quail hunting with Dick Cheney.