Hair Pulling Edition of Week In Review

With all due respect to the Yankees for winning their 27th world championship, last week's most astounding accomplishment goes to Elizabeth Lambert.

She succeeded where Pele, Beckham, Posh Spice and the United Nations and others failed. Lambert made Americans care about soccer.

Not just soccer, but women's soccer. And she didn't have to take off her shirt to do it.

Lambert, a junior at New Mexico, went street thug against Brigham Young. She threw elbows, torpedoed players and yanked one down by the ponytail.

We do not condone such behavior unless it's at a debutante ball, but the video became an Internet sensation. People who'd normally prefer a colonoscopy over soccer -- meaning 99.67 percent of all Americans –- were transfixed by Lambert's lack of sportswomanship.

"My actions were uncalled for," she said after being suspended.

Nonsense! Your actions placed you alongside Susan B. Anthony, Betsy Ross and Amelia Earhart as groundbreaking American women. Which brings us to our Quote of the Week.
"I'm the mad scientist and created Frankenstein! I put that nose on her! I put those breasts on her!"
-- Bob Whitfield
"I'm the mad scientist and created Frankenstein! I put that nose on her! I put those breasts on her!"

So said former NFL player Bob Whitfield, discussing his ex-wife Sheree, who'd been trashing him on the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

All we can say is it's a good thing Urban Meyer didn't say that about the "Real Bad Referees of the SEC," or he'd have been fined $1 million. More on that in a moment, but first we'd like to again tip our hat to Philadelphia on winning the World Series.

At least that's what we read in the Philadelphia Inquirer, which ran an ad last Monday congratulating the Phillies on their back-to-back championships. ESPN later confirmed that that the Yankees bought the World Series title for $2.4 billion.

Now, in consultation with the Inquirer's research department, here's what you may have missed last week:

Sunday

After throwing his fourth touchdown pass at Lambeau Field, Brett Favre absentmindedly jumps into the stands and is pummeled by Packers fans.

A day after Manu Ginobili swats a bat out of the air during a game, PETA demands the NBA force all its players to take bat-sensitivity training.

Embattled Oakland coach Tom Cable denies an ESPN report that he once hit his ex-wife, saying he only punches assistant coaches. PETA declines to protest since the Raiders do not have any bats on their staff.

Monday

Doug Barron becomes the first PGA Tour player to fail a drug test and is immediately hired as the Cardinals' new hitting coach.

Dodgers reliever Vincente Padilla suffers a self-inflicted gunshot wound in his right leg in. Plaxico Burress is immediately given 60 days in solitary confinement at Rikers Island.

Florida fans demand Georgia suspend tailback Washaun Easley after video shows Easley tried to mangle Brandon Spikes' fingers with his eyelids.
Tuesday

Maine voters reject gay marriage. Larry Johnson asks the Chiefs to trade him to the Maine Blizzard of the North American Football League.

George Bush throws out the first pitch at a Japanese League game in Tokyo . After failing to throw a strike, he blames George Bush.

Urban Meyer announces that Brandon Spikes will sit out the first half of the Vanderbilt game unless the Commodores get inside Florida's red zone.

Wednesday

Tim Donaghy is released from prison and starts his new job as the head of the Major League Umpires Association.

Manu Ginobili starts undergoing rabies treatment after test reveal he's been exposed to Ron Artest.

The Philadelphia Inquirer runs an ad congratulating the Phillies for winning the Super Bowl.

Thursday
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder apologizes to all Native Americans for giving them a bad name.
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder apologizes to all Native Americans for giving them a bad name.

Dallas police say they expect 100,000 prostitutes to be in the city for next year's Super Bowl, which would break the record set at the 1994 New York Knicks training camp.

The SEC fines Urban Meyer $30,000 after he says the officiating crew should sit out the first half of the Vanderbilt game.

Friday

Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old Korean woman, passes her driving exam after 950 tries and immediately gets a job as a New York City cabbie.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling agrees to pay $2.725 million to settle allegations he discriminated against African-Americans and favored Asians seeking to rent apartments he owns. The Clippers then announce they have traded Baron Davis and Marcus Camby for the rights to Yao Ming's broken foot.

Bronx politicians say they might name a new bridge after Derek Jeter. Not to be outdone, Brooklyn leaders propose naming a new drug-testing facility after Alex Rodriguez.

Saturday

Allen Iverson leaves the Grizzlies after waking up and figuring out they play in Memphis.

The House of Representatives passes a health-care reform bill after lawmakers add a last-minute amendment demanding that Notre Dame surgically remove Charlie Weis.

ESPN reports the NFL will require Tom Cable to undergo a psychological evaluation to determine why anyone would want to work for Al Davis.

This Week's guaranteed developments

Some guy wearing a backward baseball cap will win the World Series of Poker.

On the 20th anniversary of the fall of Berlin Wall, the Philadelphia Inquirer will run an ad congratulating the Soviet Union for winning the Cold War.