FanHouse http://www.fanhouse.com FanHouse http://www.fanhouse.com/media/feedlogo.gif FanHouse http://www.fanhouse.com en-us Copyright 2009 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only. Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/ The Dugout: Jokes and Jokes http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/30/the-dugout-jokes-and-jokes/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/30/the-dugout-jokes-and-jokes/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/30/the-dugout-jokes-and-jokes/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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June was quite a month. On the field, Randy Johnson earned his 300th win, and the Rockies caught fire after promoting Jim Tracy to manager. Off the field, Donald Fehr stepped down as executive director of the Player's Association, the Nationals drafted super-prospect Stephen Strasburg, and it was learned that everyone in the entire universe has been using steroids.

The Dugout personas of Charlie Manuel and Bobby Cox break it all down in this evening's Dugout, after the jump.

 

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]]> bobby coxBobbyCoxbobbycoxercharlie manuelCharlieManuelmanuellabor Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-30T23:30:00 00:00 The Dugout: So You Want to Be an American Citizen http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/27/the-dugout-so-you-want-to-be-an-american-citizen/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/27/the-dugout-so-you-want-to-be-an-american-citizen/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/27/the-dugout-so-you-want-to-be-an-american-citizen/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Jason Bay will soon be an American citizen. He aced his U.S. Citizenship exam, and as soon as he learns the secret American handshake and receives his key to the workout room, it will be a done deal.

Matt Snyder already posted a few (easy) citizenship exam questions. Plenty more are divulged in Saturday's Dugout, after the jump.

 

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]]> iwouldfloat500maelsjason bayJasonBaymaels rodriguezMaelsRodriguezthebayboy Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-27T20:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: The Left Fifth Metacarpal is a Stupid Bone Anyway http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/26/the-dugout-the-left-fifth-metacarpal-is-a-stupid-bone-anyway/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/26/the-dugout-the-left-fifth-metacarpal-is-a-stupid-bone-anyway/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/26/the-dugout-the-left-fifth-metacarpal-is-a-stupid-bone-anyway/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Jeff Bennett is notable for two reasons. First off, he's the unfortunate subject of the most unflattering photograph ever taken (see image right). Second, on Wednesday, he sucker-punched a dugout wall, broke his left fifth metacarpal, and returned to the mound to pitch another full inning.

The fracture didn't seem to adversely affect Bennett's performance. Which begs the question: how many times have you thought, "wow, I sure am glad I have a fifth metacarpal behind the pinky finger of my non-dominant hand! What a wonderful skeletal feature!" I never have. What a worthless bone.

Friday's Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> alex rodriguezAlexRodriguezbobby coxBobbyCoxbobbycoxerderek jeterDerekJeterjeff bennettJeffBennettjetersneverprosperster_rodthebraveswinthebennett Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-26T16:15:00 00:00 The Dugout: The King of Pop http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/25/the-dugout-the-king-of-pop/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/25/the-dugout-the-king-of-pop/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/25/the-dugout-the-king-of-pop/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> andre ethierAndreEthierclayton kershawclaytonbarrelClaytonKershawethierorjonathan papelbonJonathanPapelbonjuan pierreJuanPierrekingofpapmanny ramirezMannyRamirezmannythetorpedoespierrepants Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-25T23:55:00 00:00 The Dugout: If Roger Clemens Writes a Book, This Is What It Will Be http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/22/the-dugout-if-roger-clemens-writes-a-book-this-is-what-it-will/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/22/the-dugout-if-roger-clemens-writes-a-book-this-is-what-it-will/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/22/the-dugout-if-roger-clemens-writes-a-book-this-is-what-it-will/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Sunday's Dugout concerned the possibility of Roger Clemens writing a book. Well, The Dugout is going to further explore this possibility. If Clemens does decide to put a book together, whether it concerns Brian McNamee or not, what will it look like? How will it read?

Your Dugout is after the jump. Enjoy your intelligence while it lasts, because this one will make you stupid.

 

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]]> oldlolroger clemensRogerClemenstherandyhendricksexperience Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-22T18:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Well, of Course Roger Clemens Wants to Write a Book http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/21/the-dugout-well-of-course-roger-clemens-wants-to-write-a-book/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/21/the-dugout-well-of-course-roger-clemens-wants-to-write-a-book/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/21/the-dugout-well-of-course-roger-clemens-wants-to-write-a-book/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Apparently inspired by the runaway success of Jose Canseco's Juiced and the runaway existence of Selena Roberts' A-Rod, Roger Clemens is thinking about slapping his artisan hands against a typewriter and pounding out a book. He wants to write about his relationship with Brian McNamee, but as Matt Snyder asks, how on Earth can he fill a book with that story? Snyder estimates that the book, if written, will be 15 pages long. I'm guessing that it will stretch for a full 200 pages, but only if it's a flipbook depicting Clemens throwing a pie in McNamee's face.

The next great American Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> oldLOLroger clemensRogerClemenstherandyhendricksexperience Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-21T18:10:00 00:00 The Dugout: The Spotlight and Jose Canseco, Part the First http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/18/the-dugout-the-spotlight-and-jose-canseco-part-the-first/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/18/the-dugout-the-spotlight-and-jose-canseco-part-the-first/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/18/the-dugout-the-spotlight-and-jose-canseco-part-the-first/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Does Jose Canseco refuse to leave the spotlight, or does the spotlight refuse to leave him? No matter the case, the two are married to one another. Since his days as a household name, he's managed to find a dozen different means of attracting attention. He was hit on the head by a fly ball. He attempted to pitch and threw out his arm. He wrote a bestseller, the impact of which has rivaled that of his playing career. He's appeared on reality television, he's launched a mixed martial arts career, and now he's suing Major League Baseball. The spotlight will not leave him, and he will not leave the spotlight.

Tonight's Dugout is the first part of a series exploring the history of this sophisticated, decades-old relationship. Read it after the jump.

 

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]]> bob costasBobCostasjose cansecoJoseCansecorockthecostbobyeswayjose Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-18T23:30:00 00:00 The Dugout: What You Missed When You Dropped Out of High School http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/16/the-dugout-what-you-missed-when-you-dropped-out-of-high-school/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/16/the-dugout-what-you-missed-when-you-dropped-out-of-high-school/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/06/16/the-dugout-what-you-missed-when-you-dropped-out-of-high-school/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Bryce Harper is sixteen years old. Bryce Harper can hit a baseball so far that you would not believe how far he can hit a baseball.

Andrew reported Monday that the young Mr. Harper is skipping out on his junior and senior years of high school in order to make himself eligible for the 2010 draft. On one hand, don't worry, because he's planning on earning a GED. On the other hand, worry, because he's going to miss out on the quasi-consequential stuff that every patriotic public school kid missed out on. The Great Gatsby, right? The green light, right?

You're lucky that it was just a Dugout! A bad driver and not even a Dugout, after the jump!

 

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]]> bryceharperharperimagejimthomewordupthome Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-06-16T22:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Where Baseball Is Always On Sometimes http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/31/the-dugout-where-baseball-is-always-on-sometimes/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/31/the-dugout-where-baseball-is-always-on-sometimes/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/31/the-dugout-where-baseball-is-always-on-sometimes/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Lackey's piece on Major League Baseball's blackout policy makes it even more difficult to understand the league's logic. I'm not sure exactly how the powers that be determined which areas should and should not be blacked out from a given broadcast, but I have a theory. Every time you attempt to watch a game, all the MLB executives gather together in a sequestered conclave. They take a vote amongst themselves and burn the ballot cards in a furnace. If white smoke plumes out of the smokestack outside, you can watch the game. If black smoke comes out, you are out of luck.

A conversation between you, the consumer, and commissioner Bud Selig is after the jump.

 

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]]> bud seligBudSeligbud_is_wiser Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-31T16:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Dontrelle Willis Returns http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/29/the-dugout-dontrelle-willis-returns/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/29/the-dugout-dontrelle-willis-returns/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/29/the-dugout-dontrelle-willis-returns/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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In case you've been living under a rock for the past 17.2 innings, Dontrelle Willis is back. That frenetic, majestic delivery of his, which you see to the right, was a piece of Major League Baseball canon when he pitched for the Marlins. It was as Bob Gibson as one can get in this decade.

To understand the real-life resurgence of D-Train, I strongly suggest you read Andrew Johnson's piece. To understand his place in the history of The Dugout, I suggest you read our Wikipedia entry. Good Lord, I'm glad he's back.

Your battle rap of a Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> dontrelle willisDontrelleWillisgotmeonmykneesjim leylandJimLeylandmagglio ordonezMagglioOrdonezmrrobertsonsneighborhoodnate robertsonNateRobertsonohcomeletusordonez Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-29T12:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Playing Out the String http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/27/the-dugout-playing-out-the-string/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/27/the-dugout-playing-out-the-string/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/27/the-dugout-playing-out-the-string/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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As Ed Price reported Wednesday morning, the Nationals have designated pitcher Daniel Cabrera for assignment.

Cabrera's career 5.09 ERA was just barely good enough to cling to a big-league roster for five seasons, but evidently not good enough to hold on for any longer. His moments of brilliance -- and he had a few -- were easily muted by his failures. I'm referring to his career in the past tense because frankly, I'm not sure whether we'll ever see him in the major leagues again. The worst team in baseball doesn't want him, and he isn't interested in reporting to the minors. Where does a guy like Daniel Cabrera go? What becomes of him?

Mr. Cabrera's Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> daniel cabreraDanielCabreraIf_Anything_I_Could_Say_ That_This_CabreraIf_anything_i_could_say_That_this_cabreramike rizzoMikeRizzorizzothenatshawn boskieShawnBoskiewhostheboskie Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-27T21:45:00 00:00 The Dugout: Off-Base Minus Slugging http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/26/the-dugout-off-base-minus-slugging/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/26/the-dugout-off-base-minus-slugging/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/26/the-dugout-off-base-minus-slugging/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Last season, Milton Bradley led the league with a .436 on-base percentage. This season, he leads board game magnates with a .314 on-base percentage. After telling the media that he believes the umpires have it out for him, the media reported his comments, and Bradley was outraged that the media reported that Bradley told the media that he believes the umpires have it out for him. It's a labyrinthine maze of logic, and it concludes with the single, simple realization that Milton Bradley just isn't hitting well these days.

Your Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> bud_is_wiserdugout_miltonbradleymilton bradleyMiltonBradley Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-26T21:50:00 00:00 The Dugout: Dennis Eck-Curse-Ley http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/24/the-dugout-dennis-eck-curse-ley/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/24/the-dugout-dennis-eck-curse-ley/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/24/the-dugout-dennis-eck-curse-ley/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley has been filling in for Jerry Remy in the NESN broadcast booth recently. Friday night was rough on him: during the Mets-Red Sox broadcast, he managed to commit not one, but two, off-color slip-ups.

We should be able to empathize, I think. To steal a thought from Daniel Okrent in Ken Burns' Baseball, the core nuances of a baseball game are predicated upon the absence of action. There is a lot of nothing going on, and for the broadcasters, there is a lot of space to fill. After a couple of hours in the broadcast booth, I think our verbal inhibitions would begin to slip as well.

Sunday's Dugout is after the fart.

 

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]]> dennis eckersleyDennisEckersleydon orsilloDonOrsillodonorsillodoesmachineseckersuponyourhouse Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-24T17:45:00 00:00 The Dugout: The White Sox's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/22/the-dugout-the-white-sox-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/22/the-dugout-the-white-sox-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/22/the-dugout-the-white-sox-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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The White Sox experienced an awful Thursday. They were beaten 20-1, their most lopsided loss in history, by the Twins. Worse, their plans to acquire one of the best pitchers in baseball, Jake Peavy, were dashed. Things were so bad that I felt it appropriate to post a picture of a non-smiling Jim Thome. It took me a while to dig one up.

Friday's Dugout, specifically engineered to draw the ire of White Sox fans, is after the jump.

 

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]]> evpeavyjapanevyjake peavyJakePeavyjim thomeJimThomewordupthomeyermainguy Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-22T18:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Who's Wearing the Stethoscope, You or Me? http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/21/the-dugout-whos-wearing-the-stethoscope-you-or-me/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/21/the-dugout-whos-wearing-the-stethoscope-you-or-me/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/21/the-dugout-whos-wearing-the-stethoscope-you-or-me/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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As Fletch reported yesterday, Noah Lowry's agent contends that the Giants misdiagnosed Lowry's arm issues, put him under the knife for the wrong surgery, assigned him the wrong rehab program, and jeopardized his career. The Giants are denying this. From Calvin and Hobbes, November 18, 1990:
CALVIN. Your foot hurts? What kind of stupid problem is that?
SUSIE. You're the doctor! You're supposed to find out what's wrong with it.
CALVIN. It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
This morning's Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> bochyballbrian sabeanBrianSabeanbruce bochyBruceBochylowryholenoah lowryNoahLowryridethesabean Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-21T09:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Writing Things is Difficult http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/18/the-dugout-writing-things-is-difficult/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/18/the-dugout-writing-things-is-difficult/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/18/the-dugout-writing-things-is-difficult/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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No, really. Writing a lineup card is more difficult than you realize. Suppose you have to write a lineup card and you've only been a manager for three years. Should you start one guy at third base? Should you start two guys at third base? How the heck are you supposed to know?

Rays manager Joe Maddon was faced with this impossible dilemma Sunday, and he ended up starting two third basemen. As a result, Evan Longoria's spot in the batting order was replaced by pitcher (!) Andy Sonnanstine.

I kid. Joe Maddon is a great manager who made a simple mistake. I'd still like to take this opportunity to make fun of him. Today's Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> dave martinezDaveMartinezjoe maddonJoeMaddonmaddon2009notozzieguillen Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-18T08:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: The 'Royals' are 'Flush' With 'Good Poker Cards'! http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/16/the-dugout-the-royals-are-flush-with-good-poker-cards/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/16/the-dugout-the-royals-are-flush-with-good-poker-cards/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/16/the-dugout-the-royals-are-flush-with-good-poker-cards/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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So far, The Dugout has established three relatively static "straight man" characters on the Royals: pitchers Zack Greinke, Brian Bannister, and Joakim Soria. This season, of course, they're joined by perennial Dugout man-children Kyle Farnsworth and Sidney Ponson. So we can say that the Royals have a Full House, Aces full of Jokers, and shovel this terrible poker-centric joke on top of the massive pile of poker-centric jokes that the Royals have had to suffer over the years.

Today's Dugout is after the flop.

 

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]]> brian bannisterBrianBannisterbrian_bar_bannistergreinkedinksjoakim soriajoakimbackkotterJoakimSoriakyle farnsworthKyleFarnsworthponson1legatatimepr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rthsidney ponsonSidneyPonsonzack greinkeZackGreinke Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-16T19:30:00 00:00 The Dugout: Jayson Werth Versus the Zeitgeist of Our Times http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/14/the-dugout-jayson-werth-versus-the-zeitgeist-of-our-times/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/14/the-dugout-jayson-werth-versus-the-zeitgeist-of-our-times/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/05/14/the-dugout-jayson-werth-versus-the-zeitgeist-of-our-times/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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On Tuesday night, the Phillies' Jayson Werth singled off Dodgers pitcher Will Ohman in the seventh inning, then stole second base, third base, and home plate. By my count, Werth is only the fourth player since the Ty Cobb era (after Paul Molitor, Eric Young, and Chris Stynes) to straight-up steal his way around the basepaths. He came as close as a baserunner can get to stealing a home run.

Perhaps Werth experienced an epiphany of self-actualization, or perhaps the Dodgers were simply preoccupied with other matters. Manny being Bannied and all that.

Your Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> jayson werthjaysonvooyrheesJaysonWerthrussell martinrussellmaniaRussellMartinwill ohmanwill.oh.manWillOhman Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-05-14T08:00:00 00:00 Beware the Dugouts of April: A Belated Look at the Phillies and Braves http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/04/30/beware-the-dugouts-of-april-a-belated-look-at-the-phillies-and/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/04/30/beware-the-dugouts-of-april-a-belated-look-at-the-phillies-and/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/04/30/beware-the-dugouts-of-april-a-belated-look-at-the-phillies-and/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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To recap: when The Dugout set forth to preview every team in baseball, we skipped over the Phillies and Braves. Some of you were disappointed, and I attempted to get cute by previewing the Montreal Expos in response. That's when one of our esteemed commenters got mad [sic]:
you do a dougout on the damn Expos? Where is the Braves 2009 preview? How about the damn world champion Phillies?

you suck
I would like to profusely apologize, and I hope to make it up to you by presenting a sober, informed look at both the Phillies and Braves. You can read it after the jump.

 

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]]> bewarethedugoutsofmarchbobby coxBobbyCoxbobbycoxercharlie manuelCharlieManuelmanuel_labor Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-04-30T16:00:00 00:00 The Dugout: Tell Me More, Ryan Braun! http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/04/30/the-dugout-tell-me-more-ryan-braun/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/04/30/the-dugout-tell-me-more-ryan-braun/ http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2009/04/30/the-dugout-tell-me-more-ryan-braun/#comments Jon Boisby Jon Bois

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Ryan Braun is still pretty sore over being hit by Pirates pitcher Jeff Karstens on Monday. Specifically, he seems sore over the fact that nobody else really seems to care. After the plunk, he noted that the two teams would see each other a lot over the course of the season. He implied retaliation, and revenge, and all sorts of other mean, nasty, horrible, terrifying things.

As Mr. Lackey points out, though, Braun's teammates haven't felt the need to throw at any Pittsburgh batters in the two games since. Clearly, he can't order for Pirates to be taken out. He's no Barack Obama. And just as clearly, he's not interested in shutting up about it.

Your Dugout is after the jump.

 

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]]> braunryansexpressryan braunRyanBraun Jon Bois jon-bois 2009-04-30T09:00:00 00:00