FanHouse Arkansas Football

Intrepid writers have long earched for perfect comparisons for football teams. We've seen Simpsons characters, Arrested Development characters, cars, potato chips, and the granddaddy of them all, rappers. Here, we add another chapter to the canon of contextualization: standup comedians.


Frank Caliendo: UCLA

Your absolute, ultimate, professional pretender. Sure, they're popular, but that's because they're right there in Hollywood. Setting foot on national TV for the sole purpose of getting laughed right back off of it. An uncanny ability to make people sick of them before enjoying them.

Key comparison: HIS COACHNESS SIR RICK NEUHEISEL <3 and Caliendo's impression of John Madden. Lucky they're next to someone who knows what the hell he's talking about--"Thanks, John."

George Carlin: Penn State

Transcendent in the 80s, still outstanding in the 90s, but now the wheels are off the track, and the words most bandied about are "senile," "bitter," and "angry."

Key comparison: George Carlin's voice and Joe Paterno's voice. Somewhere between gravelly and demonic at this point.

[NOTE: Carlin passed away after this portion was written, but there's absolutely zero chance that he would want people dodging jokes about him in the wake of his death.]

Dane Cook: Texas

Undeniably popular, and probably earning it. Probably. Sure, there's an odor of douche to it all (Colt McCoy, get a real name, please), but that comes with popularity these days, right? Right? Whatever, you're just jealous.

Key comparison: Superfinger and Hook'Em salute. Put them together, and it's Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Angry spectator on line one, Mr. Brand.

A few years ago, the NCAA put in an attendance requirement for teams wishing to play Division I-A football. Any program that dipped below an average of 15,000 spectators per game, be they actual or "paid" (ie: fake) spectators, over a two-year period would get the boot.

Despite several schools falling below the prescribed minimums, no one has gotten the axe, and part of that is because of stunts like this:

Louisiana-Monroe, which entered into a five-game agreement with Arkansas in 2003, will be paid $500,000 for a game in Little Rock on Sept. 6. Part of Arkansas' deal with Louisiana-Monroe allows Louisiana-Monroe to be designated as the home team and use the crowd count for its home attendance figures.

Google Maps reveals that Monroe, Louisiana is actually six miles closer to Little Rock than Fayetteville is, so there's not much the NCAA could do about this without kiboshing the ability to count "neutral site" games at which your school has six fans and the other school has sixty thousand entirely.

Which they should do, because what's the point of this rule if you're just going to let teams that are clearly not capable of living up to it skate?

(via the Wiz)

This offseason, two quarterbacks found themselves sca-roohed by coaching changes: Michigan's Ryan Mallett and Georgia Tech's Taylor Bennett. Both are square-peg pocket passing battleship types virtually guaranteed starting jobs until a QB-run-mad head coach came in with a bunch of round holes; both said "screw you guys, I'm going home."

But while Mallett has to sit out at Arkansas next year, Bennett has been given the go-ahead to play this fall for Louisiana Tech. Why? How? What? Well, remember that one year the NCAA allowed anyone who'd picked up an undergraduate degree to transfer without penalty?

Yeah, that rule was repealed after coaches complained, but by "repealed" we mean "not repealed." The above-linked article on Bennett:

[Myles] Brand and the NCAA created a workaround. The waiver process Bennett used to be able to play at Louisiana Tech has been used successfully by about 30 Division I athletes since July 1, 2007, NCAA spokesman Erik Christianson told me. That's actually more than took advantage of the graduate student transfer rule in the one year for which it applied.

"For any individual who has legitimate academic reasons to transfer after graduating, we will grant it," Brand said.

Mike Knobler, the author, takes a properly skeptical tone about "legitimate academic reasons," saying there is some "fiction at work here," but is generally approving of the move. And you know what? He's right.

Darren McFadden attended EA Sports' launch party for NCAA Football '09 last night, and the Arkansas standout who will likely be the first running back selected on Saturday took a couple minutes to answer questions about the most pressing subjects a blogger could have on the eve of the NFL draft: the pimped-out Ford Crown Victoria he owns, and his penchant for dressing in drag.

McFadden stated that his first priority after signing his first pro contract will be to take care of his mother and father, but when pressed, he admitted that he may also get some new cars. Although his present ride is a black Escalade, he assured me that he still had the Crown Vic and had no intention of selling it. All is well in the world.

Knowing D-Mac's zest for costumes -- that's him as Fred Flintstone -- I encouraged him to wear a dress to the Draft on Saturday. C'mon! No first-rounder has ever done that before! (Although on Day 2 of the draft, anything goes.) "I don't think so," he chuckled, "I'm trying to take it seriously."

But when will we see him in women's clothing again? "Oh, you know, when the time is right."

Whatever you say ... number two!

WHAT NFL SCOUTS ARE SAYING

Pro Football Weekly 2008 NFL Draft Guide

Thinly built and not built to withstand heavy contact or carry the workload. Lacks the strength to run between the tackles and likes to bounce everything outside. Would be most effective in a complementary role alongside a bruiser such as [Darren] McFadden, where Jones could use his speed and quickness to create in space.

PROBABLY GETTING DRAFTED ...

Second round, a slim possibility for the first round if someone really falls in love with him.

GUY WHO WATCHED HIM FOR THREE YEAS IS SAYING

Although Jones will likely end up a complementary runner, it's more than a little premature to write off his chances as a primary back. He played in a power running offense against SEC defenses that knew Jones was coming. Yet he was still productive, even as a true freshman.

Although he bounces outside a lot, he did run a good deal inside with success. He was also more consistently healthy than teammate McFadden.

Jones has a shot to be an everydown back. He's over 200 pounds and has shown some ability to play the inside game in the NFL. His speed will be an obvious asset and he is quite explosive if given a crease.

It's time for more college football news, and in the month of March, the news is always, always, always bad. It's never like "star quarterback now good at throwing with either hand" or "LaDainian Tomlinson granted extra year of NCAA eligibility"; no, someone's either getting arrested, injured, or thrown into a woodchipper (Kirby Freeman, you will be missed).

The latest participant in the cavalcade of follies is Arkansas linebacker Freddie Fairchild, a sophomore who led the team with 4.5 sacks (NOTE: not a misprint; that's four and one half, or the amount of fingers on a typical West Virginian's hand, and he led the entire team). Unfortunately, Freddie's shenanigans weren't cheeky and fun; his shenanigans were cruel and tragic. He's charged with suspicion of third-degree battery and false imprisonment.

We understand perfectly well that relationships can be contentious and unfulfilling. We know that sometimes, the man is neither the instigator nor the escalator of hostilities. That doesn't change a simple fact: hitting a woman at all is a reprehensible offense in and of itself. Causing "injuries to her head, face, extremities and pelvis" and "not [allowing] her to leave for several hours," then, is beyond the pale.

Incoming Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has suspended Fairchild indefinitely, though we'd like to see more coaches take the same approach as Iowa's Kirk Ferentz; though his program has seen more criminal mischief than Season 2 of The Sopranos, when tailback Dana Brown was arrested for similar crimes, Brown was immediately dismissed from the program. Fairchild is merely suspended pending a review of whether or not he violated team rules. If domestic abuse isn't against team rules, now might be a good time for an amendment.

Via EDSBS, Tony Barnhardt on Arkansas' request for a waiver that would allow Michigan transfer Ryan Mallett to play this fall:

Former Michigan quarterback Ryan Mallett is asking the NCAA to waive its transfer rule in order to be eligible this season at Arkansas. I reached out to some Arkansas folks and they said they don't know when the ruling will come down. Mallett will not get a waiver.

Assuming Barnhardt's right -- and he has an excellent track record on these things -- like, duh. Allowing Mallett's waiver for no other reason than "I don't like the new coach" would establish open season on any team that changed coaches. And how far would that go? Could you get waiver if your position coach left?

Even if players should be allowed to transfer without penalty in the wake of a coaching change (which I do), there was no way the NCAA is going to make a sweeping change to its rules without going through its usual triple committee square dance. Arkansas fans will have to wait a year before beholding Mallett's glorious ability to fumble the snap twice a game.

It didn't take Ryan Mallett very long to find a new home after leaving Ann Arbor, and it's a home he nearly found himself in before choosing Michigan. Mallett grew up a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, attending football camps on the campus during his youth, and now he'll be playing quarterback there as well.

Former five-star quarterback Ryan Mallett has left Michigan and is taking classes at the University of Arkansas today making his transfer official, according to sources close to the situation.

Mallett will redshirt during the 2008 season and then have three years of eligibility remaining.

Obviously with Rich Rodriguez taking over for Lloyd Carr at Michigan, Mallett was the odd man out in the program as he's not the type of quarterback the team will need to run Rich Rodriguez's offense. Considering that there were rumors circulating on campus that Mallett was going to transfer to Arkansas before he ever even stepped foot in Ann Arbor, his decision to go there now is hardly a surprise.

Mallett had hoped to go to Arkansas after he graduated high school, but when the Razorbacks signed Mitch Mustain during his senior season, he turned his attention elsewhere and ended up at Michigan.

Other schools Mallett considered were UCLA, Tennessee, and Texas A&M.

Despite a decent drive by Arkansas late in the third quarter that ended in a three yard touchdown run by Darren McFadden, Arkansas has been their own worst enemy in the second half. From the fumble by Felix Jones after a 40 yard pass completion, to the Casey Dick interception returned for a touchdown by Missouri, to the interception by Adrian Davis that he promptly fumbled, to the Peyton Hills catch and fumble, Arkansas is showing us what it means to properly screw the pooch.

As Bobby Petrino watches, he has to be asking himself why all the fumbles. Dang, I can't even finish this post without Arkansas messing something else up. With another Razorback drive stalling, the punt coverage team gets a fifteen yard penalty for interfering with the chance to catch the kick. Give credit to Missouri for playing a good game and knowing when to step back and watch Arkansas implode. Oh yeah, Missouri needs all of one play to make Arkansas pay with a 40 yard touchdown run by Tony Temple. This makes it 38-7 in favor of Missouri.

The score might change between now and then, but this one is over. For Missouri they cap one of the best seasons in school history with a dominating performance that should catapult them into a high ranking next year and an eye on their next game with Oklahoma. For Arkansas they really have to wonder who they are. Are they the team that ran all over then number one LSU or are they the team that couldn't get out of their own way today? Will the hire of Bobby Petrino help to stabilize this team into more consistent play, or will the sine wave roller coaster continue full steam ahead?

First half thoughts on the Fox AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic between Arkansas and Missouri. Missouri has a 14-0 lead.

Arkansas came out in all red unis. They said it was the first time Arkansas has ever broken out the same colored tops and bottoms. Since I've never been a fan of the high school uniform look, here's hoping it will be the last time.

The coverage of this game -- in case they haven't made the point enough times -- is Fox. Pat Summerall and Brian Baldinger providing play-by-play and color. I hate having Summerall do games now. He used to be one of the best, but he's not able to stay on top of things any longer. Add in the fact that Summerall is an NFL guy, knows the NFL game and then Fox just plops him in a college bowl game and it hurts to listen.