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CLEVELAND -- The mental welfare of this perpetually beleaguered, nationally pummeled, unemployment-burdened, sports-doomed, pray-if-LeBron-leaves city was fairly stable between 1996 and 1998. Those were the three years when the NFL didn't exist by the lake, when civic outrage over the Browns' devastating departure to Baltimore faded into a hope that something better and more loyal was on the way. Who knew that not having them at all was a far saner fate than resurrecting them for the next decade?

And how many folks would like to light the franchise on fire about now, just as the Cuyahoga River once went up in flames in Cleveland's most infamous moment?

Cincinnati the NFL's halfway house, where lost souls go to find their way. In the past, it has usually ended badly; the Bengals doubled as the league laughingstock, and any efforts to offer players one last shot at redemption often blew up in the organization's face.

But now Cincy is 7-2, well on their way to an AFC North title, and suddenly look much less desperate when they take a flier on a guy who probably has no business earning a living playing professional football. But running back Larry Johnson, the Chiefs' 2003 first-round pick, is now a member of the Bengals after a tumultuous month that included calling out his former coach while throwing in a few homophobic slurs for good measure. Last week, Kansas City decided to cut their losses.

FOXBOROUGH, MA -- Bill Belichick's now-infamous decision to go for a fourth-and-two against the Colts received scrutiny in the hours and days following -- ranging from people who think statistics matter defending the play to old people who don't understand math explaining the Patriots coach's failure as a "lack of clutchness." Belichick finally addressed the issue himself Monday afternoon.

The conventional view is that Peyton Manning is an extraordinarily precise passer whose single-minded dedication to the NFL may make him one of the most game-altering quarterbacks to ever play the game. Those of us who have watched him carefully over the years know the truth, however. Peyton Manning is a witch.*

I use to think that The Peyton was evil and had a pact with the devil. Colts fans took exception to that because they said Manning is a really swell guy who does good deeds and likes Oreos. Okay then, can we just agree that he is a witch, and then just agree to disagree on his evil status, and whether he should be burned at the stake?

The laws of probability support Bill Belichick's late-game decision to go for it on fourth down (and, for what it's worth, so do I), but I imagine that's little consolation to Patriots fans today. Upshot: it's more than enough material for the curmudgeons who make their living penning misguided "get off my lawn!" diatribes about, well, anything.

But the last two minutes of the game obscured the biggest story of the day coming out of Lucas Oil Stadium: health code violations in the kitchen. That's right, mouse droppings AND dead mice were found in the food preparation areas. In all, officials said inspections at the stadium led to 42 citations and nearly $4,000 in fines. And the revelation obviously has some fans concerned.

This is a couple days old, but it still merits a mention because Fran Tarkenton is suddenly the angriest, unintentionally funny quote on the planet. Plus, it's one more opportunity to clown frowny-faced Jay Cutler after his pick-tastic performance against the 49ers Thursday night.

Back in May, when the "Favre is RE-UNRETIRING ... AGAIN!" talk began in earnest, Tarkenton, who took the Vikings to four Super Bowls during his career, appeared on an Atlanta radio station to make his views on the idea crystal clear.

Back in Week 6, when the Jaguars were bumbling through the early part of their schedule, Maurice Jones-Drew announced that no matter the opponent -- and he specifically cited the AFC Pro Bowlers or the '85 Bears as examples -- Jacksonville has to take the field with the mindset that they can win. In related news, the Jags needed overtime to beat the winless Rams a few days later.

Sometimes winning turns on one play, and against the Jets Sunday, MJD's decision to not score had everything to do with the Jags winning. That's right: trailing the Jets 22-21 with 1:48 in the fourth quarter, Jones-Drew fell down just short of the goal line ... and 108 seconds later the Jaguars were 5-4 on the season.

Video after the jump, but just know that during the postgame presser, MJD, cognizant that the NFL has become as much about make-believe as reality, took the opportunity to apologize to all the nerds who started him in their fantasy leagues. And that included MJD, apparently.

As Bill Belichick very quickly left the field on Sunday night after the Patriots' shocking loss to the Colts, most people were still yelling incoherent things and trying to figure out what the hell happened at the end of the game (quick summary: Belichick got aggressive on a fourth down, the Patriots didn't convert and it cost them the game ... although, if he makes that everyone's praising him this morning). Some other people, however -- trained professionals at the stadium -- were trailing him with a camera.

And some other people were walking with Belichick, keeping the annoying media away. The combination (collision?) of the two resulted in this awesome clip:

INDIANAPOLIS -- He was wearing a dark blue hoodie, stylish with a shirt collar, and my thought right now is that Bill Belichick should go back to the old tattered version. Because on Sunday night, in one of the most inexplicably arrogant brain cramps in the history of football and any other sport known to humankind, the coach who gave us Spygate introduced Stupidgate to the American lexicon.

There were the New England Patriots, three-time champions of the Super Bowl and Team of the Decade, facing 4th-and-2 at their own 28-yard line. They owned a 34-28 lead over the Indianapolis Colts. Two minutes and eight seconds remained. Armed with a capable punter and adept special teams, the Patriots could have pinned back the Colts and forced Peyton Manning, great as he is, to drive his offense about 70 yards. The Patriots' defense already had forced him into two interceptions. Two of the Colts' young wide receivers, Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, were dropping the ball. This was the most obvious decision a coach could make on any level, NFL to Pee Wee.

Punt the friggin' ball.

Brent Celek celebrated a touchdown last week by striking the presumably trademarked pose of Captain Morgan, the crazy mustachioed pirate of a mascot for the self-referential spiced rum.

Turns out, Celek was jumping the gun on a potential charity-fueled ($10,000 to Gridiron Greats) marketing partnership with the Cap'n -- the NFL was none too pleased and quickly shut the door on even the most heartfelt of sponsored celebrations.

Well, the Captain has now responded, and in video-pirate fashion no less, he lets everyone know that you need to be responsible and that he hearts bloggers (as if the pic to the right featuring the pirate and Spencer Hall wasn't proof enough already).