FanHouse The Dugout

For what official press statements are calling "some reason," Major League Baseball has awarded their 2009 National League Cy Young award to Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants. Lincecum is most famous for winning the award last year, and for recently being arrested for possession of marijuana. He is an enchanter and an amazing pitcher, but my blogger sense is telling me to jump to irrational conclusions and declare that he didn't deserve it. He only won 15 games, which is even less than Greinke. Whatever, Jeter won a gold glove again, we might as well give participation trophies to everyone.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The streak is over. The American League completely ignored the 7-9 record and 1.62 WHIP of Cleveland's Aaron Laffey and named Kansas City's Zack Greinke as their 2009 Cy Young Award winner. With Greinke's accomplishment comes the realization that the Indians have no choice but to keep all of their pitchers next season and that my Tribe bobblehead collection is about to get fifteen more Grady Sizemores in occupational clothing.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Earlier this week it was reported that former World Series MVP and Seattle Mariners bullpen coach John Wetteland had been taken to a hospital with an undisclosed "mental issue." Some reports said it was an issue related to suicide, some where saying it was a domestic dispute that got out of hand... I've been refreshing my Twitter page for the last four days in the hopes of getting the scoop, but all I've learned so far is that Lady Gaga is "fug," Bill Belichick has no idea how to coach professional football, and that one of my friends is RT: about to eat dinner.

Regardless, the Mariners are Serious Business™ in the world of The Dugout, so I wanted to skip the facts and get straight to anonymously slandering people. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Before the 2009 season began, few would've predicted actor Anthony Anderson, most famous for his role in "My Baby's Daddy" and for saying AN HE HOPPIN AWAYYY in "Kangaroo Jack," as baseball's next big breakout star. With a high batting average and power to boot, Anderson impressed fans by... wait, that's not Anthony Anderson? Is that David Ortiz? When did they trade David Ortiz to the Giants? Who the hell is THIS guy?

Well, whoever he is, the Giants want to train him like a panda bear, so that's funny enough for me. Also, I didn't know you could grow a beard that far above your chin.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

Earlier this year, Philadelphia Phillies center fielder Shane Victorino did a joint interview with Jon Gosselin from the TLC reality-docudrama "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." I guess that makes them best friends forever, because online newspapers and gossip communities frothing at the mouth for something to rag on during the Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" video delay are "reporting" that Victorino invited the fertile d-hole to his Saved by the Bell-style Hawaiian wedding this month.

Tonight's Dugout, which might as well be a bunch of still photos of celebrities walking, is after the jump.

Welcome to The Dugout Generation 3: FanHouse Back Porch edition. I'm happy to be working with the people in this section now, because it gives the strip a more obviously comedic, less newsbite-oriented environment within to prosper. It also gets me away from psychotic Yankees fans who think that every sentence they read is a serious, literal truth, and that one guy who googles "Mark McGwire" or whatever every three months and gets defensive. Also, I run an exponentially smaller chance of being called an idiot for my opinions when my comic is sandwiched between women's soccer updates and live-blogging of the World Checkers Championships.

Today's Dugout is after the jump. Warning: it will give you nightmares.

The Chicago Cubs have finally won. They've got a new owner who isn't afraid to go straight to the local media and announce that the Cubs are going to the World Series. Boastful words, considering that the Cubs haven't even made it to the playoffs since Abraham Lincoln was in office. But it's just this sort of powerful, positive thinking that can do wonders for a ballclub, and as far as baby steps go, this is a pretty freaking big baby.

The transcript of Tom Ricketts being prideful before another season full of "every Cubs season" is after the jump.

Bud Selig is not the kind of commissioner to sit there jamming his fingers up his snout, doing nothing. No, Bud Selig is going to change baseball for the better. Why, right now Bud is probably at his desk, passionately compiling a fool-proof system of plans to increase ticket sales, inflate national interest, and level the financial playing field for all teams. Yes, this is what he's doing, not giving soundbites to the MLB Network about how the World Series is going to be "good." He's racing around helping people. I like to imagine that he has a special car.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Whoever was just hired as the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, raise your hand. All right, you in the suit. Tell us how you got the job. What? You don't want to talk about it? Hey that seems pretty weird!

Yes, 2010 will see the return of shadowy figure Mark McGwire to Major League Baseball. He should use his influence to get the Cards to sign Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds to coaching deals as well, and everyone in St. Louis can root for a ball club instructed by the Monstars.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

Unless The Lord decides to once again destroy the evil of the world with a thunderous rainstorm tonight, we're going to get Game 6 of the ALCS between the Yankees and the Angels. By now, we've asked practically every question imaginable. We've analyzed and blogged incessantly about the importance of Jeter, about the managerial decisions, about the umpires. We've jumped to conclusions (Phillies/Yankees!). We've hopped bandwagons. We've changed our point of view. So hey, could somebody up there please just stop the god forsaken rainfall so we can get this series over with?

To further exacerbate this black hole of logical sports discussion, here is a facetious Dugout to be taken seriously by Yankees fans that retreads everything everyone has already said.