FanHouse

Various Unimportant Badgers Now Unimportant Ex-Badgers

Brian Cook — 2009-03-04T16:20:00 00:00

Ah, March, that time of year when various people you've never heard of pop up on your radar screen solely to inform you they no longer exist as entities that you had little chance of knowing even existed in the first place. Case in point:

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Sam Maresh Suffers Another Setback

Brian Cook — 2009-02-18T13:47:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Minnesota

You may recall the strange, sad story of Minnesota linebacker recruit Sam Maresh, a burly young man who seemingly saw his nascent football career ended by a heart defect that required open-heart surgery.

Doctors said he'd never play again, but Maresh vowed he would. A couple of months ago it seemed like he'd make good on that vow. Happy times for all. Then this happened:

Less than a year after undergoing heart surgery, Minnesota linebacker recruit Sam Maresh has a tumor in his calf.

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Ohio State Really, Really Wants Terrelle Pryor to Stay Healthy

Brian Cook — 2009-01-29T23:56:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Ohio State, Recruiting

Okay, that headline is not exactly news. It's up there with "points good to win foot-ball" as far as things you already know. But perhaps the news here is the vast extent to which Ohio State's hopes rest on the (enormous, strapping, terrifying) shoulders of Terrelle Pryor.

You see, Ohio State backup quarterbacks Rob Schoenhoft and Antonio Henton transferred last year, leaving Pryor, senior Todd Boeckman, and 26-year-old ex-minor-league-baseball-player and walk-on Joe Bauserman the only quarterbacks on the roster. Boeckman is now out of eligibility.

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DeWayne Walker Has Lingo Problems

Brian Cook — 2009-01-28T08:47:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: New Mexico State, UNC, Recruiting

After last year's oversigning kerfuffle it's gotten to the point where people are emailing me the various malfeasances of coaches in search of hot young things with the expectation head will asplode to the entertainment of all.

Doctor Saturday might end up a little disappointed with this post, then, as he forwards along this shockingly frank admission from new New Mexico State coach DeWayne Walker:

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No, Rich Rodriguez Didn't Make $6.6 Million Last Year

Brian Cook — 2009-01-22T18:25:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Michigan, Media Watch

This statement on how much Rich Rodriguez was paid last year, while technically true, is a vast misrepresentation:

In the 1970s, Col. Steve Austin became a household name as the lead character in the dramatic television series "The Six Million Dollar Man."

Last year, the University of Michigan had its own $6 million man: Football coach Rich Rodriguez.

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Early Signing Period: Loved By Coaches, Hated By Conferences

Brian Cook — 2009-01-21T12:31:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Recruiting

Recruiting starts earlier every year and gets more coverage every year. Those trends combine to bring a record number of decommitments every year, annoying fans and coaches, but apparently not conference commissioners.

The American Football Coaches' Association (AFCA) has brought forth legislation to institute an early signing period in late December that almost three-quarters of I-A coaches support, but the conferences ain't having it:

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Ed Podolak 'Retires' From Iowa Gig After Enjoying Women, Beer

Brian Cook — 2009-01-14T12:09:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Iowa, Iowa State, Media Watch, NCAA FB Scandal

Hawkeye football announcer Ed Podolak likes Budweiser and, er, the inside of ladies' shirts. As you can see above, there's now photographic proof thanks to some Iowa State fan who took the above photo and a couple others and posted them to the Internet.

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Lane Kiffin Likes to Gamble, Hates Already-Committed Five Star Quarterbacks

Brian Cook — 2009-01-13T22:57:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Ohio State, Oregon, Tennessee, Recruiting

Take it from a Michigan fan: one thing you do not want to do as a first- or second-year head coach is throw out a walk-on or freshman at quarterback.

Death follows, and quickly. So, yeah, I think it's weird that new Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin chucked both of his quarterback recruits out the window as soon as he arrived on campus.

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Feeling the Pressure, Steve Spurrier Gets Down and Dirty

Brian Cook — 2009-01-13T18:10:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: South Carolina

Last year there was an enormous blowup in the blogosphere about whether or not Nick Saban's massive over-signing was ethical or not. A few months, one Jimmy Johns nose-candy arrest, and a half-dozen suspicious medical scholarships later, and Saban managed to cram his class in and even had scholarships left over.

This year Alabama is recruiting within reason, but it's another SEC coach messing with the kids he's in charge of: Steve Spurrier. First, he's told senior non-starters to GTFO:

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Mark May Cannot Grasp Concepts Like Math

Brian Cook — 2009-01-08T22:03:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Florida, Oklahoma, Media Watch

Don't know if anyone's watching the ESPN halftime show, which is sort of like MTV's annual attempt to steal viewers during the Super Bowl halftime, except instead of hot gyrating babes you get Lou Holtz and Mark May. But Holy Lord if you're not, keep on watching whatever hot gyrating babes you've locked your radar onto.

I bring it up because May, being Mark May, made the dumbest argument I've heard tonight: Oklahoma shouldn't have gone for it on fourth and one from the Florida one. "Take the points." Etc etc etc. The usual inane chatter.

I mean, even if you subscribe to the floofy, mathematically wrong theory that you should accept whatever points you can get, you have to acknowledge that a 46-yard run from the two can lead to a punt while a 46-yard run from the 30 -- about where Florida would have gotten the ball back after a kickoff -- is going to lead to a field goal on your face at the very least, at which point you've just given back those precious three points you got.

In conclusion: Mark May should be a Wal-Mart greeter.

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Boston College: Hire Charlie Strong or Die

Brian Cook — 2009-01-07T16:27:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Boston College, Florida

So you're a moderately successful ACC program in a state where the college football prospects all wear skates and drop their Rs. You've just fired a guy for having the temerity to interview with an NFL team. You're about to hire your third head coach in four years and the last two left because your athletic department just can't get along with folks. Recruiting already sucks and is only going to get worse.

Meanwhile, Charlie Strong finally came out and said what everyone's whispered about for years: he can't get a job in the South because his wife is white. He's been a college coordinator for a decade. He's a college lifer. And he's probably not going anywhere anytime soon. You want a guy who will stick at BC. You want some positive press after this debacle. You want a guy who's proven over the past ten years that he's one of the best defensive minds in college football. You want Charlie Strong.

Or do you want to promote some guy named "Spaz"?

There's no comparison between the two: Strong's fifteen years younger -- BC DC Frank Spaziani is already 63! -- and has just as much coordinator experience. Both men became DCs in 1999 and have remained at that post since. Strong's defenses have, on average, been better. He's supposed to be a better recruiter. And, critically, he's not two years from social security. The only way you could possibly justify a Spaziani hire when Strong is sitting out there, superior in all ways, is by claiming "familiarity with the program."

That may or may not be racist -- I won't throw that bomb -- but if it transpires as rumored, it would definitely be stupid.

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Joe Paterno's Statue Is More Realistic, Less Hallowed Than You Think

Brian Cook — 2009-01-06T08:51:00 00:00

by Brian CookWhat's your instant reaction to this bit of hijinks?

COACH Joe Paterno's glasses are classics in their own right, and now somebody has taken the glasses from the Paterno statue at Beaver Stadium.

University police reported the disappearance between Jan. 2 and 3 and are investigating it as a theft and criminal mischief.

Is it "holy crap, you can take the glasses off Joe Paterno's statue?" I think it should be, because I think of statues as large pieces of metal that you can't disassemble without a blowtorch, not fancy mannequins.

Joe Paternos Career

Joe Paterno's statue, which was erected outside Beaver Stadium in 2001 when he set the all-time wins mark for college coaches, lost a bit of its identity recently when someone stole the glasses. Click through to recap Paterno's storied career.

Pat Little, AP

Paterno, seen here in 1965, began his coaching career as an assistant coach at Penn State in 1950. He initially thought his coaching career would be short and he would enter law school.

Paterno became Penn State's head coach in 1966. He took the reigns from the retiring Rip Engle, who coached Paterno at Brown.

Penn State went 5-5 in Paterno's first year, but the school became a national powerhouse with perfect seasons in 1968 and 1969 and 11 straight bowl trips from 1973-1983.

The Nittany Lions won their first national championship following the 1982 season, beating Georgia in the Sugar Bowl. They repeated the feat in the 1986 season with an Orange Bowl win over Miami.

Paterno celebrated his 324th victory in 2001. The Lions topped Ohio State at home, 29-27, to make Paterno the winningest coach in NCAA history.

Jamie Squire, Getty Images

Paterno relinquished the lead for career wins to another veteran, Florida State's Bobby Bowden, for a stretch, but holds the record once again. Paterno also owns the record for career bowl game victories.

Jamie Squire, Getty Images

Paterno was a living legend by the start of this decade and his old-school image became stronger than ever. A string a mediocre seasons from 2000 through 2004 prompted questions though about the veteran's ability to coach in the modern age. He responded with an 11-1 record and a Big Ten title in 2005.

Jacqueline Larma, AP

Paterno suffered a severe knee injury while on the sidelines during a game at Wisconsin in 2006. He was forced to coach from a skybox for a stretch afterward.

Morry Gash, AP

Paterno, who turned 82 in December, signed a three-year extension that same month and will be on the Penn State sideline through at least 2011.

Carolyn Kaster, AP

Can you remove JoePa's shoes? His jacket? His shirt? Can you sensuously trail your finger down his chest as you reach for his belt, feeling his rock-hard bronzed abs slip past? Should I stop this train of thought about four sentences ago?

Yes, yes I should. All I know is that if I see a headline along the lines of "Paterno statue's pants, honor taken" I am going to be very, very disappointed in State College, Pennsylvania.

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Gene DiFilippo: Worst AD This Year, or Worst in the History of Ever?

Brian Cook — 2009-01-05T12:34:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Boston College

The hottest new trend of 2008 and 2009 appears to be a diseased athletic department. See: West Virginia, Rich Rodriguez, and Bill Stewart or Auburn, Tommy Tuberville, and Gene Chizik. You can add Boston College to the list, too, as they've declared they'll fire Jeff Jagodzinski if he dares to interview with the Jets.

In a word: bats. Jagodzinski has been good, not great in his two years as BC's head coach. He's highly unlikely to get an NFL head coaching gig off the back of a Music City Bowl loss. But he's been successful enough for Boston College to hope there's some later date at which he'll have the resume for an NFL head job. So you're basically firing a guy good enough to get interviewed by the NFL but not good enough to get hired, which is the exact profile of coach you should be looking for at a school like Boston College.

Add in the strange departure of Tom O'Brien, who made an at-best lateral move to NC State for no apparent reason, and you've got the makings of a power-mad or incompetent athletic director with no idea how to maintain stability at his program. One incident is strange. Two is a trend.

How are you going to hire a promising replacement when you've just fired a coach for daring to interview somewhere else? How are you going to recruit when you're on your third coach in four years and the previous two left suddenly? You won't, and you can't.

Congratulations, Gene DiFilippo: you've managed out-dumb the rest of the country in a year in which a special teams coach from Mayberry and a 5-19 Iowa State coach were hired.

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The Gene Chizik Hire Through the Prism of Lizard Consumption

Brian Cook — 2009-01-02T15:31:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Auburn

Or: Youtube videos as modern-day editorial cartoons.

Somewhere in the four-minute video below of an ample Auburn fan being goaded into eating a ketchup-dipped lizard is a parable for all folks liable to say "War Eagle" every fifteen minutes.

You don't want to eat the lizard at first. Who would want to eat a lizard? But by God you've got to eat something and it's the only thing available that's not disconcertingly colored. So you try. And you can't. And you try again. And other southern college football fans start mocking you. And then you're handed a Mountain Dew -- which would be helpfully labeled "Malzahn" if this was actually an editorial cartoon -- and finally, finally manage to choke it down. You're not exactly proud. But you're on board.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the latest headline at Track 'Em Tigers as of 3:36 January 2nd, 2008:

Chizik Is Quietly Gettting It Done

Mmmm. Ketchup.

(Via Fire Perno Blog.)

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Rage, Rage Against the Slight Shortening of College Football Games

Brian Cook — 2008-12-19T13:45:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Coaching, NCAA FB Scandal

In the offseason the NCAA decided to change its clock rules for the third consecutive year, implementing a 40-second clock a la the NFL and allowing the clock to run on an out-of-bounds play after the ball is ready to snap. There was due outrage. The rules committee claimed games would be no shorter; I thought this was plausible.

What actually happened? Survey says:

G Plays/G Time/G Pts/G
2005 717 140.71 3:21 52.61
2006 792 127.53 3:07 47.53
2007 792 143.42 3:23 55.37
2008 770 134.73 3:11 52.78

Breaking it down:

2005 and 2007 were "normal" years with the clock rules from time immemorial. There were 142.1 plays per game on average in those two years.
2006 was the Hated Rule 3-2-5e Year. Games were 10% shorter than they usually were that year, and Bret Bielema kicked off 1000 times in a row. Or something.
In 2008 games were 5% shorter than in normal years.

So, yeah, the NCAA rules committee was full of it when they tried to sell their clock changes as benign. They were not. But the reason is not what everyone claims it is: the 40 second clock had little impact on the length of games. The real culprit was the change in the out of bounds rule, which is likely responsible for the vast bulk of the decline. That thing should get repealed lickety-split.

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Places You Can Catch the BCS Championship Game in 3D

Brian Cook — 2008-12-18T09:32:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Florida, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State

So there's some company that's producing sporting events in 3D, and they've picked the BCS championship game for one of their first major test runs. Should be interesting. The halftime feature on Tim Tebow's adventures in Filipino circumscision will be worth the price of admission by itself, and maybe they'll play Captain EO in the pregame.

Awful Announcing has a list of all the places you can catch this novelty for the low price of twenty bucks. Ironically, this is the only place in Oklahoma you can get the full Tebow:

STILLWATER
Carmike 10
(405) 372-0349

This... is not the best planning.

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Urban Meyer Sort of Retracts Notre Dame Dream Job Comments

Brian Cook — 2008-12-17T16:06:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Florida, Notre Dame

A couple weeks ago Urban Meyer sent a couple fanbases into a tizzy when he said Notre Dame remained his "dream job" and that he could see himself coaching there down the road. Naturally, this made everyone crazy, and Meyer was -- and probably is -- going to be barraged with questions about it until he dies or takes the job.

But this should come as a relief to Florida and Michigan and USC fans everywhere:

In an emphatic effort to clear the air, Florida Coach Urban Meyer twice said on Tuesday he plans to be in Gainesville a "long, long time." ...

"Our staff has given our life to Florida football for four years," Meyer said. "We plan on giving our life to Florida football for a long, long time."

Word, Urban, word. You stay far away from any program Michigan plays on a regular basis and we're buds. You go to Notre Dame and I'll have to give you the evil eye, and neither of us wants that.

Of course, this does mean that over the next twenty years Urban is going to have to live through five separate Notre Dame coaching searches; he's going to rue those comments for a long time.

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Surprise: Gary Danielson Upset at Tebow Diss

Brian Cook — 2008-12-17T13:30:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Florida, Oklahoma, Media Watch

Raise your hand if you saw a Gary Danielson hissy fit coming after the Tebow Child was inexplicably passed over for the Heisman by a guy with 18 more touchdown passes than he has. Okay, that's everyone.

Cue fit. Danielson is talking about Tebow losing the award despite being first on the most ballots:

Well, because it's a strategy ...That's exactly why it's done. That's why I gave up my Heisman vote about four or five years ago. I just thought this thing is a joke and I don't want to be a part of it. And by the way, I resigned from the Davey O'Brien award this year for the same reason.

The Davey O'Brien wanted me to vote for the outstanding quarterback in college football and here were my choices: Colt McCoy, great player, Sam Bradford, great player, and Graham Harrell, great player. But how can all three of the great players be from the same league? I mean come on, if you're going to have an award, you got to have Tim Tebow on that award this year don't you?

Danielson used to have a semblance of balance in his reporting until such point as he was hired by CBS, at which point he turned into a shill. I have heard the man credit a fumbled exchange to the sheer intimidation power of the defense. I have heard the man praise horrible pass interference penalties, horrible interceptions, and horrible blocks in the back. Nothing ever goes wrong in the SEC anymore, other stuff just goes more wonderfully right.

Also, please note that all four quarterbacks mentioned here run the spread, which Danielson declared dead all year to anyone who would listen. Danielson: always incorrect, always pro-SEC, no more worth listening to than your average houseplant.

I tire of this man. Someone put him in a box and ship him to Mongolia. I offer a shiny quarter for this service.

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Humanitarian Bowl Ticket Sales In The Dozens

Brian Cook — 2008-12-15T14:26:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Boise State, Maryland, Nevada

No, seriously.

Buried at the end of a positive article on the Humanitarian Bowl "hoping for a big turnout" that matches the whopping 26,000 that showed last year is this stark reminder of what happens when your bowl game is played in Boise, Idaho:

As of Monday afternoon the University of Maryland says it's sold about 16 tickets to the game. The University of Nevada says it's sold 8 so far.

"About" 16 tickets? How can the word "about" ever be followed by the number 16? If I worked in the Maryland ticket department I would at all times have a completely accurate number of tickets sold in my head: 16.

It will remain 16 until the game, at which point it will remain 16 for all time. If I run in to someone who worked at the Maryland ticket office in 2088 I will immediately query them about the number of tickets sold to the 2008 Humanitarian Bowl and if I do not get the answer "16" I will pull the mask from their face, revealing the supposed Terrapin to be a googly-eyed alien invader. This, I predict, will save the planet.

You're welcome in advance.

(HT: ONBUG)

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Everybody Hates Gene Chizik

Brian Cook — 2008-12-14T12:30:00 00:00

by Brian Cook

Filed under: Auburn, Iowa State

At right, Track 'Em Tigers reacts to the Chizik hire. It's been clear that the people running Auburn's athletic department were kind of petulant little babies for a while now -- ever since the Petrino planegate fiasco -- but the extent was unknown until Tommy Tubberville was fired or forced out or resigned or whatever and Auburn didn't immediately hire Brian Kelly or Paul Johnson.

Submitted as a rule: if you're Auburn and you're going to can a guy who's won six of seven versus Alabama and has the kind of record Tubby has, you had better reel in an exciting head coaching candidate. A 5-19 record is not exciting, and Auburn blogs know it. A sampling of the reaction out there follows.

The War Eagle Reader:

I wanted my life back.
I got kicked in the balls.

... the balls of my Auburn heart.

Some random guy pissed off enough to stalk Auburn AD Jay Jacobs to the airport and heckle him:

Freshman Iowa State receiver Darius Darks:

"I understand business is business, but this man lied. At a team meeting, he was sitting there saying 'I told your mother, Jerrod Black, and I sat on your auntie's couch, Darius Darks, and I told her I would take care of you while you was up here at Iowa State.' Where's that n---- at now? Auburn University."

And, finally, the Joe Cribbs Car Wash:

It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem like they could possibly be so shortsighted. I'm going to spend tonight trying to figure out how to react. That, and drinking.

Right now, my reaction is to really hate the Bill Stewart hire last year because this prevents me from claiming this to be the worst hire in at least eight years. (Bobby Williams, if you were trying to connect the dots.) The Stewart analogy is apt: both WVU and Auburn had successful long-term coaches that seemed happy where they were. The coach's unexpected departure was a symptom of a diseased organization, and the hire made in the aftermath is a definitive diagnosis.

(Heckler via the Georgia Sports Blog.)

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