Clay Travis Posts

Dear Commissioner Mike Slive,

I know this has been a rough month for you. What with everyone suggesting that the SEC officials want to see Florida and Alabama in the SEC championship game no matter what the actual game results might be. Furthermore, I know that generally speaking the SEC's issue has been with judgment calls, celebration penalties on A.J. Green, personal fouls on some Arkansas defensive players -- it's okay, no one knows anyone's name that plays for Arkansas other than Ryan Mallet, it will be our secret -- missed calls in favor of Florida against Mississippi State, allowing Terrence Cody, the largest man on earth who still resembles a girl, to play without his helmet on. But this latest move, ignoring a clear interception by LSU's Patrick Peterson, has me steaming mad. What's the point of instant replay if you're going to use it and still get the play wrong?

That's why I'm making you an offer, I will work as instant replay reviewer for any televised SEC game.

For free.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is, be still my beating heart, my coaching crush Mike Leach. As if it weren't enough that he went on "Friday Night Lights" -- spoiler alert, I have to wait until January to watch the show because I don't have DirecTV -- after the loss to Texas A&M, Leach blamed the loss, partly, on the players' "fat little girlfriends." Given the status of bingo wings in Florida, Urban Meyer should file this excuse away. It's much better than blaming the flu for poor performances.

Not to be outdone, as reader Chris V. e-mails, "There is now a website up selling apparel at fatlittlegirlfriend.com.

Outstanding.

On Friday, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive fined Urban Meyer $30,000 for criticizing the officials in the wake of the Georgia-Florida game. When questioned by the media about a non-call on a late hit against Tim Tebow, Meyer responded, "That should have been a penalty, in my opinion. Obviously, it should have been. You've got to protect quarterbacks. That's the whole purpose. It's right in front of the referee."

In announcing the penalty, Commissioner Slive stated as follows: "Coach Meyer has violated the Southeastern Conference code of ethics. SEC bylaw 10.5.4 clearly states that the coaches, players and support personnel shall refrain from public criticism of officials. The league's athletics directors and presidents and chancellors have made it clear that negative public comments on officiating are not acceptable."

On Oct. 24, Justin Paschall, a 13-year-old eighth grader at Southside Elementary in Lebanon, Tenn., went to his first Alabama-Tennessee football game. He traveled to Tuscaloosa with his grandfather, Ray Todd, as huge of an Alabama fan as there is in the Southland and two cousins, also Alabama fans. Justin says his first question upon being told that his grandfather had tickets for the game, his first ever Tennessee game, was, "Can I wear my orange jacket?"

Grandpa Ray Todd, Alabama born and bred and now residing in Tennessee, said that he could wear his orange, and on Friday the foursome traveled to Tuscaloosa for the game. Come Saturday, Justin woke up and took wearing orange to a whole new level.

Last week Mike Slive, the Montgomery Burns of the SEC, threatened Lane Kiffin with a suspension and rewrote the SEC policy when it comes to commenting on officiating. All season, Slive has been besieged by officiating errors, coaches sniping at one another, and the continuing onslaught of media coverage having a brand new television contract and two top-ranked teams has brought.

Now, Slive (pictured right) is backed into a corner. Just a few days after Slive announced his new policy on officiating, Urban Meyer teed off on officiating once more, taking a shot at the non-call on a late hit that Georgia delivered to Florida quarterback Tim Tebow.

"That should have been a penalty, in my opinion," Meyer said, "Obviously, it should have been. You've got to protect quarterbacks. That's the whole purpose. It's right in front of the referee."

One of the most frustrating cliches trotted out by college football's BCS defenders is this banal line: Every game counts. I hate this three-word cliche with the fury of a thousand blazing suns. I hate the smugness with which it's delivered, I hate the fact that no one points out the obvious -- name a sport where the games don't actually count-- but I hate the fact that it isn't even true the most.

In fact, this phrase is positively Orwellian because it leaves off the final part of the sentence. Every game counts ... except some games count more than others. How else to explain the fact that everyone can brush off Boise State's win over Oregon because it happened the first game of the season?

I understand we're dealing with a broken system, but right now Boise State is continuing to plummet as they win. I wrote about the glass ceiling that Boise had reached a couple of weeks ago, but has it really reached the point where we just ignore the first week of the season?

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- By the end of the first quarter Saturday, outside the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party in Jacksonville, a drunken mass of humanity sprawls in baking parking lots and beneath cool shade trees, the largest collection of people in America who cannot walk in straight lines. By now, the ratio of men to women has shifted, perhaps for the only time all day, to something approaching equal numbers. Women wearing bikini tops and tight dresses warble on flip flops or bare feet, men, Florida fans mostly, have discarded their shirts and stand bare-chested in the bright sunshine propositioning women as they pass.

"We still got beer left," a group of shirtless Florida fans, Cocktail party Romeos, call to a group of bedraggled Georgia girls, Capulets in red heels.

"We're looking for liquor," says one of the girls, moving past.

A scalper stands off to the right of the passing couples, four tickets held tightly in his right hand, jaw clenched.

"Game's going to be close boys, don't you want to go inside?" he asks, squinting his dark brown eyes to avoid the sun's rays. It's Halloween in Jacksonville, and all the world outside the Cocktail Party is a stage.

By the time you read this, I'll be on a Southwest flight to Jacksonville for the Cocktail Party. Already your costume suggestions are arriving, and I have to say, I think we have a winner. The suggestion is actually genius. It involves a Baby Bjorn, aviator sunglesses, and ... the pictures will be ready soon. But leaving that aside, let me give you a tip this weekend, the time changes. The f'ing time, it always screws you somehow. Even if, to be fair, the night after Halloween is a pretty epic time for an extra hour of sleep.

I've always hated the time change because I live in Nashville, right at the beginning of the central time zone. This means that during the winter it gets light at 3AM and dark here at 3PM. This is only a subtle exaggeration. The worst thing about this city is that it encourages people to get up way too early in the morning. I've lived on the East Coast, in the Caribbean, and in Europe. In all of those places, it isn't considered an asset to get up at dawn. (Right: Nashville, approaching evening cocktails at 6AM)

Here? It's an asset.

In the minutes after he was hired at Tennessee, Lane Kiffin's wife, Layla, shot to the forefront of Google search results. At the time she was pregnant with her third child. None of that mattered. Vol fans, and college football fans across the country, were immediately amazed with how far Lane Kiffin had outkicked his coverage. Layla's good looks and Lane's recruiting offered tangible proof, if any was needed, that my theory -- the hotter the wife the better the recruiter -- was gold.

Now, having delivered her third child, rumors swirled Friday morning that Layla would be posing for Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue. As first reported by the Sports Animal radio station in Knoxville, the rumor swept the Internets and sent pulses racing and subscription rates surging in the Tennessee Valley. Alas, it was not to be. "Absolutely not true," said Tiffany Carpenter, director of UT public relations.

There is no more beloved Georgia Bulldog football player than Herschel Walker and no more beloved Florida football player than Tim Tebow.

Disagree if you like, but I feel pretty confident in both statements. Sadly, these gridiron warriors are separated by a generation and never will get the chance to play one another in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. By the time Tebow arrived at Florida, Walker was only in the news alongside Tebow for acknowledging his multiple personality disorder.

Until now. Saturday, Tebow, who trails the Georgia running back by one rushing touchdown for his career, is likely to break Walker's all-time rushing touchdown total in the SEC.

Or is he?