FanHouse

All That and a Bag of Mail: Fat, Little Girlfriends Edition

Clay Travis — 2009-11-06T20:20:00 00:00

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is, be still my beating heart, my coaching crush Mike Leach. As if it weren't enough that he went on "Friday Night Lights" -- spoiler alert, I have to wait until January to watch the show because I don't have DirecTV -- after the loss to Texas A&M, Leach blamed the loss, partly, on the players' "fat little girlfriends." Given the status of bingo wings in Florida, Urban Meyer should file this excuse away. It's much better than blaming the flu for poor performances.

Not to be outdone, as reader Chris V. e-mails, "There is now a website up selling apparel at fatlittlegirlfriend.com.

Outstanding.

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Urban Meyer Fined $30,000 for Criticizing SEC Officiating

Clay Travis — 2009-11-06T13:24:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Florida, SEC

On Friday, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive fined Urban Meyer $30,000 for criticizing the officials in the wake of the Georgia-Florida game. When questioned by the media about a non-call on a late hit against Tim Tebow, Meyer responded, "That should have been a penalty, in my opinion. Obviously, it should have been. You've got to protect quarterbacks. That's the whole purpose. It's right in front of the referee."

In announcing the penalty, Commissioner Slive stated as follows: "Coach Meyer has violated the Southeastern Conference code of ethics. SEC bylaw 10.5.4 clearly states that the coaches, players and support personnel shall refrain from public criticism of officials. The league's athletics directors and presidents and chancellors have made it clear that negative public comments on officiating are not acceptable."

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When Tennessee-Alabama Became Grandpa's Game

Clay Travis — 2009-11-06T11:47:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Alabama, Tennessee

On Oct. 24, Justin Paschall, a 13-year-old eighth grader at Southside Elementary in Lebanon, Tenn., went to his first Alabama-Tennessee football game. He traveled to Tuscaloosa with his grandfather, Ray Todd, as huge of an Alabama fan as there is in the Southland and two cousins, also Alabama fans. Justin says his first question upon being told that his grandfather had tickets for the game, his first ever Tennessee game, was, "Can I wear my orange jacket?"

Grandpa Ray Todd, Alabama born and bred and now residing in Tennessee, said that he could wear his orange, and on Friday the foursome traveled to Tuscaloosa for the game. Come Saturday, Justin woke up and took wearing orange to a whole new level.

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Slive & Gold: The Root of SEC's Troubles

Clay Travis — 2009-11-05T15:10:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Florida, Tennessee, SEC

Last week Mike Slive, the Montgomery Burns of the SEC, threatened Lane Kiffin with a suspension and rewrote the SEC policy when it comes to commenting on officiating. All season, Slive has been besieged by officiating errors, coaches sniping at one another, and the continuing onslaught of media coverage having a brand new television contract and two top-ranked teams has brought.

Now, Slive (pictured right) is backed into a corner. Just a few days after Slive announced his new policy on officiating, Urban Meyer teed off on officiating once more, taking a shot at the non-call on a late hit that Georgia delivered to Florida quarterback Tim Tebow.

"That should have been a penalty, in my opinion," Meyer said, "Obviously, it should have been. You've got to protect quarterbacks. That's the whole purpose. It's right in front of the referee."

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Starting 11: Every Game Counts, Except Some Count More Than Others

Clay Travis — 2009-11-03T20:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Boise State, Florida, Oregon, Tennessee

One of the most frustrating cliches trotted out by college football's BCS defenders is this banal line: Every game counts. I hate this three-word cliche with the fury of a thousand blazing suns. I hate the smugness with which it's delivered, I hate the fact that no one points out the obvious -- name a sport where the games don't actually count-- but I hate the fact that it isn't even true the most.

In fact, this phrase is positively Orwellian because it leaves off the final part of the sentence. Every game counts ... except some games count more than others. How else to explain the fact that everyone can brush off Boise State's win over Oregon because it happened the first game of the season?

I understand we're dealing with a broken system, but right now Boise State is continuing to plummet as they win. I wrote about the glass ceiling that Boise had reached a couple of weeks ago, but has it really reached the point where we just ignore the first week of the season?

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Outside, the Life of the 'Cocktail Party'

Clay Travis — 2009-11-02T17:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Florida, Georgia, SEC

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- By the end of the first quarter Saturday, outside the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party in Jacksonville, a drunken mass of humanity sprawls in baking parking lots and beneath cool shade trees, the largest collection of people in America who cannot walk in straight lines. By now, the ratio of men to women has shifted, perhaps for the only time all day, to something approaching equal numbers. Women wearing bikini tops and tight dresses warble on flip flops or bare feet, men, Florida fans mostly, have discarded their shirts and stand bare-chested in the bright sunshine propositioning women as they pass.

"We still got beer left," a group of shirtless Florida fans, Cocktail party Romeos, call to a group of bedraggled Georgia girls, Capulets in red heels.

"We're looking for liquor," says one of the girls, moving past.

A scalper stands off to the right of the passing couples, four tickets held tightly in his right hand, jaw clenched.

"Game's going to be close boys, don't you want to go inside?" he asks, squinting his dark brown eyes to avoid the sun's rays. It's Halloween in Jacksonville, and all the world outside the Cocktail Party is a stage.

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All That and a Bag of Mail: Nashville Dawn

Clay Travis — 2009-10-30T14:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: All That and a Bag of Mail

By the time you read this, I'll be on a Southwest flight to Jacksonville for the Cocktail Party. Already your costume suggestions are arriving, and I have to say, I think we have a winner. The suggestion is actually genius. It involves a Baby Bjorn, aviator sunglesses, and ... the pictures will be ready soon. But leaving that aside, let me give you a tip this weekend, the time changes. The f'ing time, it always screws you somehow. Even if, to be fair, the night after Halloween is a pretty epic time for an extra hour of sleep.

I've always hated the time change because I live in Nashville, right at the beginning of the central time zone. This means that during the winter it gets light at 3AM and dark here at 3PM. This is only a subtle exaggeration. The worst thing about this city is that it encourages people to get up way too early in the morning. I've lived on the East Coast, in the Caribbean, and in Europe. In all of those places, it isn't considered an asset to get up at dawn. (Right: Nashville, approaching evening cocktails at 6AM)

Here? It's an asset.

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Layla Kiffin Denies SI Swimsuit Rumor

Clay Travis — 2009-10-30T13:05:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Tennessee, General CFB Insanity

In the minutes after he was hired at Tennessee, Lane Kiffin's wife, Layla, shot to the forefront of Google search results. At the time she was pregnant with her third child. None of that mattered. Vol fans, and college football fans across the country, were immediately amazed with how far Lane Kiffin had outkicked his coverage. Layla's good looks and Lane's recruiting offered tangible proof, if any was needed, that my theory -- the hotter the wife the better the recruiter -- was gold.

Now, having delivered her third child, rumors swirled Friday morning that Layla would be posing for Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue. As first reported by the Sports Animal radio station in Knoxville, the rumor swept the Internets and sent pulses racing and subscription rates surging in the Tennessee Valley. Alas, it was not to be. "Absolutely not true," said Tiffany Carpenter, director of UT public relations.

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Tebow's Touchdown Mark, Trick or Treat?

Clay Travis — 2009-10-30T08:05:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Florida, Georgia, SEC, Fans, General CFB Insanity

There is no more beloved Georgia Bulldog football player than Herschel Walker and no more beloved Florida football player than Tim Tebow.

Disagree if you like, but I feel pretty confident in both statements. Sadly, these gridiron warriors are separated by a generation and never will get the chance to play one another in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. By the time Tebow arrived at Florida, Walker was only in the news alongside Tebow for acknowledging his multiple personality disorder.

Until now. Saturday, Tebow, who trails the Georgia running back by one rushing touchdown for his career, is likely to break Walker's all-time rushing touchdown total in the SEC.

Or is he?

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Lil Wayne Name Drops Lane Kiffin in Latest Rap Song

Clay Travis — 2009-10-28T15:12:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Tennessee, Media Watch, General CFB Insanity

Lane Kiffin's off-field comments have twice earned him reprimands from the Southeastern Conference this season. But now he's finally getting mad props -- assuming people still give mad props -- thanks to the rapper Lil Wayne. In Lil's newest track, Banned From TV, the Southern rapper includes this line, "Smoke weed, talk s--- like Lane Kiffin." Now Lane Kiffin has acknowledged the endorsement via Twitter, tweeting today, "looking forward to another great practice today and a huge game Saturday ... also a huge shout-out to Lil Wayne for boosting our street cred!"

Yep, two of the South's top gangsters are already in fine form. As for fans? Well, UT fans, are already talking about, wait for it, the recruiting benefits of Lil Wayne's lyrical endorsement. Wrote a reader, Alan, this morning in an e-mail to me, "Should help with recruiting. Especially in South Florida, Louisiana, Atlanta and Memphis."

But why stop with recruiting help? Now that he's been bound and gagged by the SEC, Lane Kiffin should hop on the gangster train and play this for all it's worth.

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When a Taco Isn't Just a Taco

Clay Travis — 2009-10-28T13:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Media Watch

During ESPN's broadcast of the Minnesota-Ohio State game on Saturday, the network cross-promoted a NASCAR race by showing a graphic listing the top five drivers. Chris Spielman, Bob Griese's partner, asked where Juan Pablo Montoya was. Griese responded that Montoya was "out having a taco."

Montoya, who is Colombian, has declined comment, saying he has no idea who Griese is, but unfortunately for its announcer, ESPN has not remained silent. Despite twice publicly apologizing Saturday, ESPN has suspended Griese for this week's telecast. In a statement released Tuesday, ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz says the network has spoken to Griese and "he understands the comment was inappropriate."

In fact, contrary to lazy stereotypical belief, tacos are not a popular cuisine in Colombia. And everyone with a Spanish surname is not, you know, from Mexico. Now Griese will have a weekend outside the broadcast booth to think about the error of his ways. Question for you, would Griese have even gotten in trouble if he'd said that Montoya was "out having an arepa" or "out having a sancocho?"

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Starting 11: From BCS Title to Toilet Bowl

Clay Travis — 2009-10-26T21:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Cincinnati, Florida, Iowa, Oklahoma State, SEC

I'm convinced there's an epidemic currently afoot in America that receives no attention: Cell phones dropped in the toilet.

I have five different friends who have confessed to this via sheepish e-mails (presumably not from the toilet-ed phones). They're trying to reprogram a new phone. This problem is of epic importance, particularly with the importance of smart phones, which can cost upwards of $500. Do you know how much money we've lost by having to replace a BlackBerry or an iPhone because of fumbles during urination? If this happened to Warren Buffet, and he hadn't backed up his information, we'd need a new stimulus package. What if Obama's BlackBerry vanished down the toilet?

I'm convinced that every day in America we throw away the equivalent of the GNP of Moldova in dropped cell phones in toilets. The issue struck me on Saturday as I tailgated and went inside a disgusting port-o-potty. Because a drop here is even worse. How much would it ruin your day if instead of the home bathroom your cell phone went into a port-o-potty? Because, be honest, you might be willing to reclaim a phone dropped at home? But a port-o-potty? It's with the effluvium for all eternity.

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SEC Reprimands Kiffin, Again

Clay Travis — 2009-10-26T14:24:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Alabama, Tennessee

In the wake of Tennessee's 12-10 loss to Alabama, Lane Kiffin expressed displeasure over the penalty disparity -- Alabama received one penalty for 10 yards while Tennessee received eight for 68 -- the lack of a penalty on Terrance Cody on the game's final play, and even suggested that the referees were the reason he chose to kick the field goal from 44 yards rather than run another play to move closer.

"You run another play and you throw an interception or they throw another flag on us," Kiffin said Sunday. "I wasn't going to let the refs lose the game for us there and some magical flag appear."

The SEC fired back today, reprimanding the Tennessee coach.

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Alabama-Tennessee: Quest for Silence

Clay Travis — 2009-10-25T19:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Alabama, Tennessee

When you take a road trip as a fan, you dream about moments like these. Four seconds to play, a hated rival on the ropes, your team lined up for a final play with victory or defeat hinging entirely on that one play. After over three hours of even football, it all comes down to this one final snap. And you want one thing more than any other: complete silence to soak through the stadium while your team pours onto the field in celebration, their celebratory shouts no louder than the dribble of a basketball on a court hundreds of yards away, echoing over the stunned home crowd. For a moment you might even contemplate, like I did, simply closing your eyes and allowing the crowd reaction to tell the story of the field goal. But instead, I watched.

Tennessee came achingly close on Saturday to delivering the most agonizing loss to Alabama at Bryant-Denny Stadium in a couple of decades, maybe ever. But then they ran into a mountain of a man.

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Mailbag: From Rome to Boardwalk

Clay Travis — 2009-10-23T16:02:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: All That and a Bag of Mail

By the time you read this I'll be at book signing in Birmingham. Then I'll be hanging out on the radio in Birmingham and Memphis for Friday. Getting prepped up for the UT-Alabama game. Which brings me to the above link, remember when you were a kid and you'd watch old games that your dad had seen and think they looked ancient. Well, meet the CBS introduction to Tennessee-Alabama from 1996.

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Volunteering My Beard for Tennessee Bet

Clay Travis — 2009-10-22T20:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Alabama, Tennessee

Alabama opened as a 16.5 point favorite over Tennessee. So I did what any self-respecting Tennessee fan would do when faced with this obstacle: I wagered my beard that Tennessee will cover that spread with Memphis radio host Chris Vernon, the man behind the cult classic video, Colonel Reb Is Crying. Given that I've been rocking the beard since 2002, I'm very confident in my bet, almost as confident that this will be a single-digit game that isn't decided until the fourth quarter. I'll explain why as I break down the game, but know this, right now Alabama fans are rolling their eyes and banging on their their talking typewriters -- as computers have yet to reach Alabama -- "Your an idiot," they're about to type in their magic invisible letters -- you know it as e-mail -- to me.

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Deadspin's Barrage on ESPN Raises Legal Questions

Clay Travis — 2009-10-21T22:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: ESPN, Sports Media

Editor's Note: Clay Travis, a senior writer at FanHouse, was employed at Deadspin as an associate editor and writer from July 2008 to December of '08.

More Coverage: ESPN Issues Statement to FanHouse on Deadspin

Earlier Wednesday Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio went to war with ESPN in retaliation for stonewalling from inside Bristol about the Steve Phillips affair. In a post that went up at noon ET, Daulerio unloaded on ESPN for denying any impropriety on Phillips's behalf when he asked them about it in September.

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Jeff Fisher Dons Peyton Manning Jersey At Nashville Fundraiser

Clay Travis — 2009-10-20T17:50:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Colts, Titans, NFL Coaching, NFL Video

Jeff Fisher's Tennessee Titans are 0-6. This week the Titans are on a bye, and Fisher appeared at a Rocket Town fundraising event alongside former Colts head coach Tony Dungy. In so doing Fisher chose to make light of the Titans failure. How? By taking off his trench coat to reveal that he was wearing a Peyton Manning jersey underneath.

Seriously.

As if that weren't enough, he then said, "I just wanted to feel like a winner today."

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Political Action Committee Takes on BCS

Clay Travis — 2009-10-20T16:45:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: General CFB Insanity, Bowl Games

We've had BCS outrage across the land, two anti-trust hearings in Congress, and enough fan anger to power a trip to Mars (if spaceships ran on rage). None of it has changed the BCS. At least, not yet. Now there's a new front in the fan war against college football's broken system. Meet the Playoff PAC, a political action committee, that is raising money to fight the powers-that-be in the BCS. Their goal? Donate money to candidates who also support a college football playoff until they've remade Congress in their pro-playoff image.

Don't believe me? Read their mission statement including this stirring finale "To that end, Playoff PAC helps elect pro-reform political candidates, mobilizes public support, and provides a centralized source of pro-reform news, thought and scholarship." Already the PAC has received the commendation of three elected officials in Congress, Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Representatives Neil Abercrombie of Hawaii and Joe Barton of Texas.

More Coverage: Visit PlayoffPac.com

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Starting 11: When a Wedding Causes a Football Separation

Clay Travis — 2009-10-20T05:00:00 00:00

by Clay Travis

Filed under: Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Kentucky, Fans, General CFB Insanity

On Saturday, I didn't see a single snap of a single college football game. Not one. This has never happened before in my life. Instead I was an usher at my friend's wedding in Atlanta. This means that this week's ClayNation Starting 11 is going to be a primer on my day in a fall wedding.

The wedding featured a bride who had graduated from Auburn and a groom who had graduated from Kentucky. Are the alarm bells going off yet? The two teams played Saturday night. Seven of the 11 groomsmen and ushers graduated from Kentucky, all of the bridesmaids went to Auburn. The result was a near riot. But that comes in the future. First, the beginning.

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