FanHouse

Antonio Puerta: Dead at 22

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-28T13:07:00 00:00

Filed under: Soccer, International Soccer

Antonio Puerta, the Sevilla wingback who suffered two heart attacks yesterday including an on-field cardiac arrest, has died in hospital today at the age of 22. Puerta collapsed on-field yesterday during a match with Getafe, but walked off under his own power before suffering a second heart attack in the locker room that required resuscitation by medical staff.

Sevilla's match against AEK later today has been cancelled due to the tragedy. And that is the right word: tragedy. A 22 year old with all the promise in the world has something completely outside of his control-- arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy--end his life before it's even really started, robbing a wife of her husband, a child of its father, and Sevilla fans of a budding young star in front of their eyes. Tragedy is a word with too much mileage, sure--but with something this random and stunning, it's the only word to use.%Gallery-5350%

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Antonio Puerta's Horrifying Collapse

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-27T18:15:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: International Soccer

Sevilla's Antonio Puerta collapsed during the first half of a match with Getafe on Saturday, suffering what doctors only referred to as "cardiac arrest" caused by "repetitive serious ventricular arrhythmias." In short: his heart's not beating right, they don't know why, and it's way, way serious. Sky Sports is reporting that Sevilla's president is calling them "heart attacks" now.

We warn you that though lacking gore, the video below is still quite disturbing in that it features a perfectly healthy athlete in top condition collapsing unconscious for no discernible reason.

Though he walked off the field with assistance, Puerta suffered a second cardiac arrest in the locker room and had to be revived by medical staff. Puerto remains in critical condition in a hospital in Seville, waiting out the effects of the heart attacks, including what doctors referred to as "brain suffering."

(Sky Sports is reporting that Sevilla's president is calling them "heart attacks" now. )

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Japanese Arm Wrestling Machines Will Break You

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-22T16:00:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature

The Japanese do not half-step when it comes to anything, most especially video games, where hardcore gamer geeks have oohed and ahhed over game systems that come out in Japan years before they hit the American market.

So to those who remain convinced that while you pound away at your XBox 360, there sits a Japanese kid with a chip in his head who's playing Halo 4 in his mind during math class, this should come as no surprise: Japanese arm wrestling machines will break your freakin' arm in half.

A Japanese game maker said Wednesday it would withdraw arm-wrestling machines from arcades after three players -- two of them foreigners -- broke their arms..."We had done careful simulations on the possibility of injuries before putting it on sale, but unexpected accidents can happen with game machines when people are too excited or fail to follow instructions," a company spokeswoman said. "But I'm afraid some foreign nationals couldn't understand the instructions well as it was written only in Japanese," she said.

If we're to learn anything from this, it's that you always need to read the instructions before using anything. This may be standard operating procedure in Japan, but like most Americans we'd be hogtied if we read the instruction manual before using anything: toasters, rocket launchers, cars, that home death ray we've been dying to put together...

So we'll just shorten it to this: if you're using a Japanese Arm Wrestling machine, and you start to lose, just let go. Because it will break your arm in half and not even give you so much as a Hello Kitty doll as an apology.

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Discount Everest: Sounds Like a Great Idea

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-22T14:04:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature

You can buy a lot of things on discount. Plane tickets. Dodgy produce. An autographed Mike Vick...well, anything, really. It's not always a good idea, of course, but we're not saying it is. We're simply saying you can buy all of those things on the cheap if you're timing's right.

Add one more thing to the list: an Everest Expedition.

Nepal will slash climbing fees for Mount Everest in the off-season to lure mountaineers to the world's tallest peak and boost tourism hit by years of a Maoist conflict, a senior minister said on Wednesday.

Take the offer now, even though most climbers prefer not to go in the fall and winter because of the lack of warm weather and less sunlight than climbers might prefer. But who needs warm weather and sunlight at 29,000 feet? Wimps, that's who. If you can't stand fifty below for a little fun, you need to consider some wimpy peak in the Andes, son.

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Vladimir Putin: Shirtless, Lame Fisherman

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-20T08:06:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Fishing

You won't see him hauling in boatloads of striped bass like competitive bass fishing's Michael Iaconelli--or screaming after hauling one in, either--in fact, you shouldn't see Putin reeling in any fish at all after his performance as an angler last week in the Yenisei River with Prince Albert of Monaco.

Despite the carefully leaked photos of Putin practically glowing with health (pun intended) and fishing shirtless on Siberia's Yenisei River, Russia's most muscular of presidents caught exactly zero of the river's prized taimen, the chief sport fish of the area that allegedly grows to up to 200 lbs in weight.

Keith Elliott of the Independent says the pic screams of shameless photo op, similar to old photos of Mao Tse-Tung swimming in the Yangtze River to demonstrate his virility. First, Putin's holding the fishing rod by the very end of the rod, which no sensible angler would do--you're begging to have it yanked from your hand. Second, going shirtless in Siberia in the summer equals a serious loss of blood thanks to hordes of mosquitoes. Barring a dousing in industrial grade DEET or other insect repellent, Putin's merely showing off for the cameras.

As Keith Elliott notes, pointing this out is just asking for a radioactive sushi lunch. We, too, will avoid taking any free lunches or drinks over the next few days.

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Australians and Norwegian BASE Jumping Do Not Mix

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-16T09:52:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature

As Fark.com so eloquently put it: "Norwegian Cliffs 3, Australia 0." A 28 year-old Aussie base jumper died in Norway this week when his chute failed to open during a BASE jump from the cliffs at Sunndal in western Norway. BASE, for those who did not pay attention during the EXTREME 1990s, stands for Building, Antenna, Span, and Earth, the four types of structures divers leap from in the sport.

While the jumper did puncture our theory of complete and total Australian invincibility by dying during the jump, we can only hope reports surface of him taunting the ground "to hit him with your best shot" just before impact.

The real tragedy: if only the jumper had been wearing the infamous "wingsuit," he could have soared out into the fjords, where he could have at least stood a miniscule chance of surviving a water landing. If you're thinking about ever trying anything you see in the video below...call us. You sound like 100% fortified fun.

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Abby Wambach Is A Beast: US 6, NZ 1

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-15T18:01:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: International Soccer

The machine that is United States Women's Soccer grinds on, merciless and scoring buckets of goals without the marquee names of Hamm, Foudy, and Chastain. Who needs them when you have Abby Wambach, who has scored 75 goals in 94 games, including 34 on headers, a stat that is testimony to her height, strength, and relentless approach to the beautiful game. Her roommate's best comparison is that Wambach is "like a raging bull."

Wambach was on the rampage on Monday, scoring two of the United States' six goals in the 6-1 World Cup preliminary trouncing of New Zealand in Chicago. The Americans fired 10 shots at goal in the first half alone, springing to a 3-0 lead before the break. Midfielder Carli Lloyd added two goals, as well.

The Americans now make a swing toward Asia for a September 11th match with North Korea in Chengdu. Hopefully the team can acclimatize to the rich, "spicy" Olympic air while they're there.

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The Quiet and Unprecedented Death Of Discovery Cycling

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-15T16:00:00 00:00

by Orson SwindleProof positive that doping scandals have bent the once-upward trend of cycling's growth as a sport in the US and perhaps abroad: the quiet announcement this past week that Discovery Racing, the dominant team Lance Armstrong rode to seven Tour de France titles, was disbanding and ceasing operations.

The leadership cadre at the team (which included Armstrong) announced they were stepping aside for a number of reasons, and most definitely not because they could not find a sponsor. If you'll pull out your political communications handbook, it will tell you that almost certainly means it's because the group could not find a sponsor for the team, even though Lance Armstrong says they had a deal "90 percent" done before negotiations broke down.

Consider if Man U, the Yankees, or the Dallas Cowboys vanished overnight. That may be exaggerating just a tad for effect, but that's effectively what just happened to cycling: an instant disappearance of what was the most dominant squad in the sport over the past decade. That's the cost of doping scandals made horribly clear on the market, with the most valuable commodity cycling has to offer left sitting on the shelf to expire, potential sponsors too scared of the future of the sport to even consider taking a flyer on the immediate future of the sport.

(Reader Clare T. Pass points out that Lance won his first six with U.S. Postal, not discovery. Sponsors change, but the team remains the same, a clarification that needs to be made. However, the entity owned by Tailwind, Inc that was called U.S. Postal/Discovery is what's been broken up here.--OS)

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Australia Tops In Medalmaking

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-15T13:12:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: International Olympics

Unusual Maps has a fascinating illustration of the world filtered by the number of Olympic medals won per million people. The results surprise: among the top countries for number of medal athletes per million you'll find Australia, Norway, Belarus, Cuba, Bulgaria, and Hungary as the leaders in producing Olympians per capita in the world.

There are some logical reasons for this. Cuba boasts a large, state-sponsored Olympic program based on the old Soviet model that cranked out medals during the Cold War as a symbol of national pride and international status. Norway dominates winter sports, perhaps the most Eurocentric of the Olympics in that you need to be from a cold place, and you have to be able to afford expensive equipment and facilities. And as for the Eastern European contingent, we're positing that they're still cruising on the fumes of the old state-sponsored Communist athletic programs. (In Romania's case, gymnastics.)

The Australian contingent, though, may just benefit from being a small but sport-mad population that's spread across a vast territory. Besides our theory of innate Aussie awesomeness, this might be the only explanation for their high ranking.

The other discovery from the map, and an unsurprising one: it takes
money to succeed in the Olympics. Poor countries are all a uniform
blue on the map, indicating a dearth of medal winners per million.

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Cricketer's Kidnapped Niece Recovered After Kidnapping Attempt

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-15T02:30:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Cricket

Being a cricket superstar from Trinidad certainly has its perks, but there are distinct disadvantages to being one of the greatest batsmen in the history of the sport and coming from a small island: everyone asks you for autographs, you probably get hit up for personal loans more often than you'd like, and sometimes people hold your relatives for ransom.

That last one's especially troublesome, and it's exactly what happened to legendary cricketer Brian Lara. Lara's niece was abducted during an attempted carjacking in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad when thieves realized she might earn a hefty ransom. She was held for a week until Trinidadian police found the young woman tied up in a house this past Sunday, abandoned by her kidnappers, perhaps because such a high-profile abduction brought even more attention than they'd wanted in the first place.

Lara was out of the country for the whole ordeal. Trinidad, like many countries in Latin America and the Caribbean, has a bit of kidnapping problem, with the abduction of Lara's niece being the seventh in the country in 2007.

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Mike Richter In Retirement? Still Making You Look Small

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-13T11:26:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Rangers, International Hockey

Mike Richter, seen above making a freaky save on a goal you could not have possibly prevented, has found a few more things to do in post-hockey life to make you feel small, you sad little person, you.

Aside from raking in piles of cash as a partner in a private equity firm, raising three sons with his wife and finishing a degree in ethics, politics, and economics at Yale, Richter has decided to start a little side gig as a triathlete.

Last summer, Richter competed in his first half-Ironman. Last month in Lake Placid, N.Y., he took part in his first Ironman: He swam 2.4 miles, cycled 112 miles and ran 26.2 miles in 12 hours 49 minutes 10 seconds.

Richter, just to make you feel bad, also just finished his advanced level Sudoku in two minutes and seeded a Pomegranate without staining his hands in one minute and twenty-three seconds. Oh, and this one's for real: he's running the ING New York City Marathon on November 4th, too, and doing it for charity. Take that, Mr. "30 minutes on the elliptical machine and I'm good."

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The Next Great Frontier for Golf: Mongolia

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-13T09:10:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: International Golf

In case you lose sleep at night wondering things like, "Can one play golf in Mongolia," the answer is a resounding yes. (Warning: "Mongolian rap song" included in background of this clip includes non-Mongolian English profanities.)

The country seems ripe for golf, being mostly flat grasslands, few water hazards, and only one large sandtrap called the Gobi desert to avoid. (And if you can't avoid a thousand mile-wide bunker, you're beyond any golf pro's help.)

These guys are clearly amateurs in the sport of Mongolian golf, though, compared to Andre Tolme, who in 2004 walked 1,234 miles across the country in the process of literally golfing his way across the length of the country. Tolme lost 509 balls on the way to shooting 12,170 strokes. In case you wondered, Mongolia is a 2,322,000 yard hole that Tolme estimates to be a par 11,880.

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Beijing 2008 Update: The Air in Beijing Is Kung Pao Spicy

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-13T06:28:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: International Olympics

The video you're seeing shot by a tourist on Tiananmen Square is what constitutes problem number one for the organizers of the Beijing Olympic games: the deplorable and possibly dangerous air quality prevalent in all major Chinese cities including the capital and host city of Beijing.

With under a year to go until the opening ceremonies of the Games, the problem remains a serious enough one for Olympic Committee Chairman Jacques Rogge to announce that certain endurance events might have to be postponed due to the air quality in Beijing, something authorities have vowed to tackle by limiting the number of cars on the road during the games. A test run was supposed to take place this month, but as with most decision in China, a mysterious cancellation occurred, and Beijing's air remained thick enough to paddle through with a sturdy oar.

How bad is the air in Beijing on the average day? The Canadian Women's Soccer Team trained briefly in Beijing earlier in 2007, and the results were disturbing. According to an NPR report, the players suffered "low grade inflammation" in the back of their throats and a "burning sensation in the lungs" after training for even short periods in Beijing. Greg Anderson, a physiologist working with the team, also reported that the best pollution index they saw while in China was a 170, with the worst being a 240. In comparison, Washington D.C. at its soupiest ranks somewhere around a 40 on the pollution index, with 90 being the level where public health authorities warn people to stay indoors.

If there's no other benefit to this, though, the sight of a marathoner lighting up an unfiltered Marlboro to catch their breath should be comic relief enough. If only golf were an Olympic sport again--we'd send the only man for the job, and his name ain't Tiger. John Daly, Beijing could have been your masterpiece.

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Sumo Wrestler Locks Self In Apartment, Freaks Out

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-10T11:19:00 00:00

by Orson Swindle

Filed under: Sumo

Big men don't cry--unless they're sumo wrestlers who've just suffered through a major scandal and are "on the verge of a nervous breakdown," as yokozuna Asashoryu is. Then, yeah, you can cry, because you weigh over 300 pounds and have a very quick first step on the attack.

The scandal began with this video...

...which shows a shockingly nimble Asashoryu, winner of the 21st Emperor's Cup, playing soccer in a charity game in his native Mongolia. (Note that at that weight, he's just a few cheeseburgers north of Ronaldo's physique, actually.) Asashoryu was dribbling around in Mongolia while he was allegedly too injured to appear in a summer exhibition tournament, a big no-no for most wrestlers and a definite faux pas for the high-profile yokozuna.

With the appearance of the video, the Japanese Sumo Association suspended Asashoryu for two tournaments and docked his pay 30 percent for four months. Both are unprecedented punishments. The Mongolian has responded by locking himself in his apartment and hovering close to a nervous breakdown.

Psychiatrist Masaki Honda examined him and said the wrestler was depressed and could be on the brink of a nervous breakdown due to a shock from the punishment. He said the wrestler was barely able to talk, and his trainer said Asashoryu was "holding back tears."
In a summer of athletes being indicted for dogfighting, allegedly giving Jessica Alba herpes, and up and killing their whole families...this seems appropriate. More than anything else, though, all the big man probably needs is a hug, along with three hundred pounds of popcorn chicken and the latest edition of Microsoft Outlook to keep his dates straight.

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Skateboarder Pulls Off Amazing Trick: $500K in Theft

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-08T18:15:00 00:00
by Orson Swindle
Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature
And we thought executing an ollie over a trash can was a big deal. As it turns out, our sadly depleted dictionary of essential skateboarding tricks culled from repeated watchings of old Bones Brigade videos needs a refresher course, since promising Albuquerque skater Nick Jojola pulled off an amazing trick, indeed: stealing over a half million dollars from local big box merchants, often while masked and drunk.

Jojola, 17, seen executing a precise stair drop above, wasn't quite as precise with his costuming, as he and his accomplices robbed stores with disguises but also without, leading to an easy video ID for prosecutors looking for the culprits. Jojola was originally charged with up to 80 counts total, many of which he claims he was too drunk to remember even doing. He plead guilty to eight charges, earning a year in juvenile detention as part of the plea and avoiding real jail.

We'd say that robbing stores after hours was a most dangerous and inadvisable thing to do, and it is. However, if the alternative is taking some of the risks skateboarders take, we might choose a one-time appointment with a Best Buy and a crowbar, though---especially if the alternative is something like Jake Brown's punishing return to earth in last week's X games. If those are the hypothetical choices, then hand us the ski mask, please.

(HT: Lat34)

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ToughMan 2007: Non-Brits Need Not Apply

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-08T13:45:00 00:00
by Orson Swindle
Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature
It's time for Britain's Tough Guy competition, a semiannual competition involving a six mile course loaded with massive haybales, ramps, cargo nets, mud bogs, electrified wires, underground tunnels, flooded trenches, and ghastly combinations thereof designed for the abuse addict in you.

The competition is the brainchild of Willy Mouse, who owns the property west of Birmingham where the competition takes place. Mouse has run the event in one form or another for over 20 years, and suggests that if you are American and thinking about showing up, don't.

"Don't bother to come," Mouse said. "You can't compare to the English."
Hasn't he seen American Gladiators? Nitro could have aced this thing blindfolded, all while getting nary a speck of mud on his glittery jumpsuit. Nationalist egotism aside, we totally want to do this. As in, like, this afternoon kind of doing this. Ted Nugent's backyard should be perfect. Anyone got his number laying around?

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The Speed Channel Gives Us the Wienie Bite

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-08T07:15:00 00:00
by Orson Swindle
Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature
As an announcer, you might think the nadir of your career would be the point someone looks at you and asks you to explain the technique involved in eating a hot dog dangling off a string while riding very slowly on the back of a motorcycle. It gets worse, though, when you're asked to break down this:

"Yeah, she's got that technique down pat." As an announcer covering the Wienie Roast, you have no choice but to a.) announce the entire event in Spanish, or b.) commit suicide on air before the event begins. And even that wouldn't be the most awkward moment in the whole thing, which comes when the winning contestant says her husband "makes my job easy."

Damn you, Speed Channel. We're going to see this in our nightmares.

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Jelly Beans=Cricket Controversy!

Orson Swindle — 2007-08-01T10:06:00 00:00
by Orson Swindle
Filed under: Cricket
It's time for some tension-filled post-colonial cricket between India and England, and things are already off to a momentous start as Zaheer Khan of India has already accused the English of something truly dastardly: throwing jelly beans at him during India's thumping of England on July 30th.
Zaheer claimed that England's fielders had tried to put him off by throwing jelly beans onto the wicket when he was batting at Trent Bridge on Sunday... He said: "I felt it was insulting - I wasn't sure where it came from but it definitely came from a fielder."
Dastardly indeed! Cricket players sometimes take jelly beans onto the field with them during matches for energy, which explains what they're doing on the scene in the first place. England, who lost to India in a test match for only the fifth time on their soil, made no effort to deny their bombardment of Khan, with Paul Collingwood playing the part of spokesman for the team.
"Zaheer wasn't too pleased - I think he prefers the blue ones to the pink ones."
Should tensions get too high, however, we can always count on Indian squad member Sri Sreesanth to keep things light with his irresistible dancing. Dance, you beautiful man, dance!

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Olympic Theme Song Horrors: Can't You Feel It '88

Orson Swindle — 2007-07-30T13:00:00 00:00
by Orson Swindle
Filed under: International Olympics

If Youtube hasn't done anything else for humanity, it's extended the lifespan of horrible music and images the world would have been better off letting drift off into the oblivion of history. Did we say horrible? We meant awesome, as in the 1988 Calgary Olympic Games and their rockin' theme song, "Can't You Feel It?"

The feeling refers to the pain in your lower intestine you'll feel when you listen to it. The singers must have known how dangerous the song was--being awesome enough to cause your intestines to cramp, they've taken the precaution of wearing red rubber suits for safety, capped with flame-retardant hats to complete the ensemble.

As a bonus, listen to announcers Jim McKay and Peter Jennings exchange solemnities about how absolutely important and serious the closing ceremonies are without a single hint of irony--it made us realize that Anchorman could have actually been a documentary. Also marvel at how wrong you would have been if asked which man would still be alive in 2007: the boyish, urbane Peter Jennings, or Jim McKay, who already seemed ancient in 1988.

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Contador in Yellow: The Tour Straggles to an End

Orson Swindle — 2007-07-30T07:07:00 00:00
by Orson Swindle
Filed under: International Cycling
The Tour de France, c'est fini. The tour closed today with a whimper, not a bang, as 24 year-old Alberto Contador stayed securely in the peloton to cross the finish line in Paris as the nominal winner of what has been a scandal-plagued Tour de France 2007. Contador's individual accomplishments were meritorious enough: superb mountain stage performances, including a thrilling duel with Michael Rasmussen at the finish of stage 14. Contador ran an intelligent and ferocious race, biding his time on the flatter, more sprint-y stages and making his bones in the mountains. Events beyond his control have sadly diminished his accomplishments in sport's most grueling race.

Cadel Evans did Australia proud by finishing just 23 seconds behind Contador, and American Levi Leipheimer squeaked in just eight seconds behind Evans for third.

The controversy, not exactly fini. The fallout from the numerous high-profile doping cases exposed during the tour--most notably Alexandre Vinokourov's positive read for blood doping late in the tour--has unleashed a storm of invective from critics and the accused themselves. The Herald called their post-race analysis "a post-mortem;" the Independent called Contador's victory "hollow."

At least the International Herald Tribune kept its sense of humor, suggesting that the scandals provided entertainment for fans. Which had to be a joke. Right? Right?

And yet...a close race. Yet even with the catastrophic doping scandals, this should not be overlooked: this Tour featured a new generation of riders who, notable and openly punished exceptions aside, rode slower times than prior tours. The rule, suggests Richard Williams of the Guardian, is simple: as older "dope-generation" riders step down from the ranks, cycling will become a cleaner but slower sport.
Hard as it may be for those inside the sport to accept, standards will have to be lowered. The Tour is slower in overall terms this year, probably because fewer people are doping. Yesterday's 211km stage from Cahors to Angoulême, for instance, was ridden at an average of around 40kph, rather than the predicted 42-46kph.
The tour may not be dead...but it's definitely slowing down, a possible testament to doping standards actually working.

And the jerseys are... Alberto Contador wins the yellow jersey of the leader, as well as the white jersey for the best rider under 25. Tom Boonen takes the sprinter's green jersey for the tour, and Juan Mauricio Soler takes the polka-dotted King of the Mountains jersey. Amets Txurruka takes what we have to argue is the most fun ceremonial award of all, the "Most Aggressive Rider" award, for which he gets to wear a special number on his jersey.

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