FanHouse ChrisSimon

A couple of weeks ago, TSN hockey analyst Gord Miller came to the conclusion that in order for the Pittsburgh Penguins to remain competitive in the NHL, they would have to deal the league's leading scorer, Evgeni Malkin, for a first-line winger, a No. 2 center, and "hopefully" a pick or a prospect. It was a laughable proposal.

On Sunday night, Rob Rossi, Penguins beat writer for the Tribune-Review, appeared on a weekly Pittsburgh talk show and suggested the team would be wise to put Sidney Crosby on the trade block this offseason. I guess this is what happens when you go from being two wins away from hoisting the Stanley Cup to being the No. 10 team in the Eastern Conference in a matter of one season.

When you think of what it would take to play in the Russian Super league, if you ever do, what do you think of?

You probably consider skill, speed, puck-handling, and smarts as essential elements needed to play in one of the world's best hockey leagues.

Chris Simon possesses none of these skills, which makes him signing with a Russian Super league team very strange, indeed.

Chris Simon's tumultuous National Hockey League career may have officially come to an end on Saturday when he signed a contract with Vityaz Chekhov of the Continental Hockey League in Russia, according to Russian media reports.

Simon, who has been suspended twice by the NHL in the past 15 months for a total of 55 games, finished the 2007-08 season with the Minnesota Wild. He scored one goal and added two assists in 38 NHL games split between the Wild and New York Islanders last season.

Fighting is not allowed in European leagues, which already negates Simon's #1 skill. With Simon's lack of foot-speed, you know he'll end up taking a lot of dumb fouls, which he's very good at, and hurt his team with many penalties to kill.

I know the Russian Super league loves to sign ex-NHLers, but why sign a 36-year old thug who has just 52 points in his last 177 games?

Well, at least we know the NHL will be thrilled to have the guy out of their hair.

With all due respect to my colleague Jes Golbez, I feel the urge to chime in on Ribeiro Slash-gate. With the amount of Pro-Osgood press the story is getting, I'm a little surprised about how quickly everyone has cleared him of any and all charges. Sure, he took a "Chris Simon" right to the midsection, but was it really that bad? Maybe it's my eyesight, but it doesn't look half as painful as Osgood's acting job. After taking a hit that probably wouldn't have hurt my cat, Osgood crumples to the ice like he had just taken a gun shot.

I'm sorry, but this is not soccer. Hockey players are tough or at the very least try and act like it. Osgood crumples to the ice after getting slashed and writhes in pain as the trainer assists him. It looks serious. It looks like a scary incident. Did he bruise a rib? Worse? Nope. As you can see at the 1:43 mark of this video, Osgood doesn't even need any help getting off the ice. He is actually so hurt that he can get right back up and celebrate a Game Two win with his teammates. Give me a break.

One more point needs to be made before we jump all over Ribeiro -- let's remember that Osgood isn't the only victim here. There's another point to be made, one that can't be seen on blurry YouTube videos. If you check out this video from ESPN, you can clearly see Osgood nail Ribeiro in the face with the end of his stick. He even moved it a bit to make sure he caught the Stars forward. Cheap shot? Absolutely. There's no need for that.

Now don't get me wrong, what Ribeiro did was cheap. It was uncalled for. There is no place for it in hockey. What we have here is a case where nobody is right. Osgood was wrong for catching Ribeiro with his stick (you can clearly seem him move it in Ribeiro's direction as he skates by) just as much as Ribeiro is wrong for taking a swing at Osgood (we have enough Chris Simons and Todd Bertuzzis). The old adage goes "two wrongs don't make a right" and in Game Two, that certainly seemed to be the case.

Using the word "fight" might be pushing it here, as Chris Simon of the Minnesota Wild just absolutely owns Devils winger David Clarkson in this brawl during New Jersey's 4-3 skills competition victory last night. Check out the textbook pugilism on display from Simon here: The way he unstraps Clarkson's helmet to pummel the back of his noggin, and using a judo chop to try and knock Clarkson's fist from its death-grip on his Wild jersey.



The judges at HockeyFights.com give Clarkson credit for hanging in there, and are critical of Simon for taking on what can be termed as a middleweight in NHL fighting terms. Hell, I'm just happy to write about Chris Simon without using the words "suspension" or "psychopath." Until I just did...

Imaginations are a beautiful thing. They can take us to all kinds of places and entertain us exponentially. All of us have them as kids, but many of us lose them as we enter our teenage years and adulthood. Lots of people still have them after they turn 18, but the majority of those people are usually stoned or insane. Luckily for you, I'm neither. Arguably insane, but probably not. The moral to this lead in story? Fake trade rumors are fun! Enjoy ... Oh, and feel free to create your own!

Toronto interested in the services of Maurice Richard's ghost. This is one of the oddest rumors that has been circulating this week, hell this year, but is interesting nonetheless. Are the Leafs trying to bolster their already potent offense? Or are they just trying for the ultimate jibe at their rivals? One thing is for sure, at this point in his career Richard can take a hit better than anyone in the NHL. It's almost impossible to knock him off the puck. You know, thanks to being transparent and all. This makes me wonder if Jacques Plante is next ...

Sharks attempting to rid themselves of all home dates? It's no secret that the San Jose Sharks have been an exceptional team on the road this season, and exactly the opposite on home ice. They're pulling a serious Jekyll and Hyde with a 7-9-2 record at home, followed by a stunning 16-3-2 record away from HP Pavilion. Sharks GM Doug Wilson is rumored to have been calling other Western Conference teams about the possibility of trading home dates for draft picks. The Phoenix Coyotes, who the Sharks play in the desert a week from today, have not budged on the subject. Due to slumping attendance the 'Yotes have no interest in adding home dates. On the other hand, the Edmonton Oilers are offering two picks and a jar of Mark Messier's tears. There is no word on what round the picks are at this time ...

Flyers in need of a goon? The word out of Philly at this hour is that the Flyers' brass does not believe their team is tough enough. Despite all the suspensions and antics of Steve Downie, the team is looking for another goon to shoulder the load on their second line. Unconfirmed reports have the team inquiring about the status of New York Islander Chris Simon, but talks broke down after Garth Snow reminded the Flyers about Simon's suspension. Talks about Simon pulling a Bobby Valentine have been circulating, but there is nothing concrete right now ...

That's all for today ... Stay tuned to see if Hillary Duff trades Mike Comrie for Ben Affleck and the latest on Fin and Pamela Anderson!

When it comes to awards, the NHL basically has things covered. Nothing your friendly neighborhood FanHouse puckheads might develop could possibly rival the historic significance of the Lady Byng Trophy or the functionality of the William M. Jennings Trophy, which doubles as a delightful chili con queso bowl. But we can try, dammit. Here's four of the eight categories in our lusty gaze at 2007 in the review mirror (sans Mirtle, who decided to check out on life to concentrate on the true meaning of Boxing Day this holiday season.)

NHL Man of the Year

JP: Brian Burke. Wins a Cup, lets MacT overpay for Penner (while adding some great drama to the whole situation), only has to pay for half a year of Niedermayer but still finds himself just a stone's throw from first place in the division (granted, that's 8th place in the Conference). You may not like the way the game behind the game is played, but Burke sure is playing it. Oh, and he secured Edmonton's first pick in the upcoming draft as part of the Penner compensation, and that could very well be the #1 overall pick (i.e. Stamkos).

Earl Sleek: I'd guess Crosby is the man, but I could see a case for Pronger (has anyone been robbed of two Conn Smythes in a row?) or even Sammy Pahlsson -- that guy killed this year, though in a very non-celebratory way.

Kevin Schultz: After some dirty hits in the playoffs, I can't see Pronger getting MOTY.

We all know that Chris Simon holds the all-time record for number of suspensions given for various infractions, but who is #2?

Ulf Samuelsson? Bryan Marchment? Todd Bertuzzi? Claude Lemieux?

Nope! The answer is Chris Pronger, who has seven career suspensions and seems rather 'surprised' of his feat.

But there's a difference, says Pronger, between outlandish acts of violence that are so far over the edge they warrant 25- and 30-game bans, and the grey area that he spends so much time in.

"We're talking number of times suspended, not games," he said, quick to point out that he's only been hit with more than two games once (four games for slashing Pat Peake on the throat in 1995). "Because my things weren't that bad. They were borderline calls. Sometimes I guess the league felt they needed to send a message, but I don't think it's ever been anything really blatant or malicious."

Nothing blatant or malicious? Try telling that to Dean McAmmond, who was the recipient of a Chris Pronger elbow to the head. How about Tomas Holmstrom, whose face was smashed into the glass by a Pronger cheap shot? Nothing malicious there, right?

We all know that Chris Pronger has been let off easy because of his star status and nothing else. It's very easy to make an example of a goon like Chris Simon, who few will miss. Pronger? He's a star, and the NHL doesn't want to be without its stars.

Pronger is one of the dirtiest players to ever play the game, and it seems he just doesn't understand why his suspensions have been so lenient. With his attitude, we can probably expect more suspensions in his future, albeit little ones.

The release of the hotly-anticipated Care Bears - 25 Years of Caring DVD couldn't come at a better time. The world has lacked a force that can battle all of the hatred and anger in the world with the power of love. The world has generally been an angry place, as we've seen by such hateful incidents as the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, or just about anything the Philadelphia Flyers do.

As hockey is a physical sport, we expect some members of the league will harbor a lot of anger, more so than they really ought to. Despite the fact that the NHLers are some of the best in the world at what they do, and get well compensated for their efforts, it just doesn't seem to be enough to make them truly happy.

Since we all lack the power to stand together and radiate light from our respective tummy symbols, we can, instead, give these gentlemen a good ol' Happy Holidays Hug.

1. Dion Phaneuf (pictured). Despite the fact that he's one of the brightest young stars in the league, and probably has enough groupies to fill up ten Persian palaces, Phaneuf has a permanent sourpuss look on his face. Perhaps he's pissed off that his mother named him 'Dion', or he's tired of listening to Keenan's tirades. Still, that's no excuse to go skating around with a bug up your ass like life sucks. Try smiling sometime, son!

Much like legally operating a motor vehicle and gaining access to the NFL Network, playing in the NHL is a privilege rather than a right. We've been reminded of that fact in the wake of Chris Simon's latest history-making suspension, as the Islanders forward is shattering more infamous records than Mike Veeck and Steve Dahl. For the first time, I've heard serious discussion from hockey observers as to whether a player with Simon's track record should ever be allowed to play in the League again.

Elliott Pap of the Vancouver Sun polled a few Canucks players on the notion of a lifetime ban for repeat repeat repeat offenders like Simon. Naturally, they're skeptical and generally opposed to the idea; former NHLPA president Trevor Linden thinks his former teammate is already paying a high price:

"Could I see a lifetime suspension for someone? Anything is possible," Linden replied. "But compared to other things we've seen, what Simon did was not as significant. He's paying the price because of his past history ... Chris is a gentle guy, a very caring guy, a good guy and a good teammate but, unfortunately, he obviously snaps. He gets frustrated and he loses it. Now he is paying the price for it, which I think most players want because they want to see that stuff out of the game."

While we all try and reconcile the notion of a "gentle guy" using another player's head as a piñata during a game, Linden makes an interesting point, and a telling one from a Players' Association perspective.

Every day from Monday to Saturday, The Ice Sheet will take a look at the biggest stories in the league that happened on the ice and elsewhere the night before.

The big story of from Wednesday was, obviously, the record-setting 30-game suspension handed down to Chris Simon for getting all stompy. The suspension prompted all sorts of reactions and emotions from interested parties all around the league.

The NHLPA is 'baffled' at how long Simon was suspended for, thinking their boy would get 15 games, at most. If Chris Simon does appeal, the NHLPA would lend their full support. It would also show that Simon really doesn't have any remorse for his actions nor understand the punishment he received.

Speaking of remorse, commenter 'jw300' made a great point about how Simon doesn't seem to care about how his actions affect the people he's intending to injure.

Simon HAS made a statement and it goes like this: "I want to start off by making it clear that there is no excuse for my actions on Saturday night and I apologize to everyone involved." The Islanders and I agree that the right thing to do is for me to take some time away from the team."

Again, he doesn't specifically apologize to the victim. Instead he makes a generalized, blanket apology. I agree that psychologically, that says a lot. This guy has some short circuited wires in his brain and he needs serious help and a lifetime ban from the NHL.