FanHouse DavidGlass

Oh my God.

Pending a physical, journeyman relief pitcher and personal performance icon Kyle Farnsworth has agreed to a two-year, $9.25 million dollar contract with the Kansas City Royals. It is a deal that helps nobody, really. Unless you count us.

Step aside, respected bloggers. We got this. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Deep breath.

You bolt out into the wilderness. You don't know what Cuban has planned, but it can't be good. You go trudgin' across the tundra mile after mile for what seems like forever. You're getting colder and colder and you think it's all about to end. You see what appears to be a group of Eskimos in blue parkas playing baseball on a field of snow. You must be hallucinating. You sit down in a snowbank when suddenly one of the bundled blue characters approaches you.

"M-m-manny Ramirez? Is that you?" It's Trey Hillman, manager of the Kansas City Royals.

"What are you doing here?" you chatter.

"David Glass stopped paying rent on our field and told us that we could play for free here, so here we are, holding winter practice."

You stop. Something strange is happening.

"Trey, you're turning in to a penguin. Stop it."

"That actually is a penguin."

"Oh."

"You look awfully cold, Manny. I can get you a parka. Maybe some BP will warm you up."

You take Trey's parka and start taking batting practice. It's cold, but it feels good. You're warming up, launching blasts all over the plains of ice. You're just playing baseball. When Dayton Moore sends you a one-year contract for minimum wage, you sign it and go to Kansas City. The Royals still aren't very good, but they love you in Kansas City.

With no pressure, you hit 50 home runs and re-up for another year. You never win another World Series, but you hit 650 home runs. And you're happy.

THE END.

(Not sure how you got here? Want to begin again? Start Choose Your Own Adventure: Manny Being Choosey in Free Agency from the beginning.)

A few days ago, our Baseball is Boring Buddy Tom Fornelli (Dugout SN: StLunaticsRapFornelli) reported on Alberto Callaspo's collapse-o in Kansas City. It turns out he was busted for DUI and put on the disabled list for "evaluation and treatment of an undisclosed medical condition," the Major League Baseball equivalent of Hollywood's "severe exhaustion," which basically just means that he's an adult acting like a stupid idiot and is an eff-up. The worst thing is that it happens as the Royals climb out of the cellar for the first time since... well God, are any of us old enough to remember that?

What we bring you today is the police report of the DUI bust, which, as you may have guessed, did not go as planned. It didn't involve Alberto Callaspo going over to, say, Bono's house and getting busted for gay drug bongo sex and having his wife leave him for, oh, let's say Matthew Sweet or anything, but I mean I guess it's fairly interesting.

After the jump, the dark story behind Alberto's Last Gasp-o... and a look at the sinister forces that could be lurking in the shadows to keep the Royals down.

To be honest with you, I'm not all that surprised that the Royals are off to a 6-3 start on the season. They have a lot of young talent on the roster, and a pitching staff that's pretty underrated. If this team finishes at or just below .500, I wouldn't be surprised.

What has surprised me, though, about Kansas City's start is the teams they're beating. So far the Royals have played six games against the Yankees and Tigers, the two highest payrolls in baseball, and they've compiled a 5-1 record against them. It's something owner David Glass has noticed as well, and he's pleased with what he's seeing.

"It really comes down to the fundamentals," Glass told me. "The Twins have proven over the years that (it's not about payroll). If you execute and play the fundamentals and don't beat yourselves, you can compete and you can win.

"What I have liked so far is that we're not beating ourselves. Last year and the year before, you could sense that there were games we lost just because we beat ourselves. I think we'll do a lot less of that this season."

What Glass says is true, but there's one important thing he left out. The biggest difference between the Royals now and the Royals of a few years ago is Dayton Moore. Moore came into the organization from Atlanta, and unlike previous general manager Allan Baird, Moore actually has an idea of what he's doing.

When the Royals hired Moore back in May of 2006, I knew it was only a matter of time before the team started to matter again, though I didn't expect it this soon. In all reality, it's only been nine games, so I can't say for sure the Royals are going to keep winning all season. Still, with Moore in charge and no longer wasting what little money the Royals have on underachieving veterans instead of young talent and pitching, this team isn't going to be a doormat much longer.