FanHouse DougMientkiewicz

LOS ANGELES -- Manny Ramirez came bouncing down the stairs, baggy uniform and dreads flapping, and Dodger Stadium erupted.

They had been waiting all winter, through months of contract negotiations that ended precisely where they began, to see this sight. The love affair between Ramirez and Los Angeles has picked up right where it left off.

This is the biggest image of Doug Mientkiewicz I could put alongside this post without going off on a sixteen paragraph rant about how it had to be the PIRATES who gave this guy a minor league contract and then were bad enough to need him in the bigs. Imagine if Kevin Maas just showed up out of nowhere playing for the Nationals. It'd be "Maas Hysteria~!" all over again.

Tonight's Dugout is basically one joke that 0.05% of the regular readership of the Dugout, a readership that makes up about 0.005% of Fanhouse traffic, will enjoy. Nothing is truer to the spirit of the old Dugout than a joke that nobody gets or enjoys!

Tumbleweeds and the rest of the Dugout are after the jump.

Every year one or two poor veterans ends up stranded on a hopeless baseball team as they try to prove to the world they can still play and prolong their careers. This year, Doug Mientkiewicz took a minor league deal with the Pittsburgh Pirates, made their roster as a utility man, and is having a respectable year that should ensure that he gets another somewhere in the bigs. But the futility of playing for a team that has lost 19 of their last 26 games has really gotten to him. After last night's listless drubbing at the hands of the Dodgers, he had this to say:

"... It's just embarrassing. It really is. You've got three guys who run balls out right now. It's frustrating. Just frustrating. The whole thing is frustrating."

He motioned with his right arm to the rest of the clubhouse, no players left and only a vacuum humming in the opposite corner.

"I mean, look at this place. It's a ghost town."

Another shake of the head.

"I don't know. What are you going to do? Nothing you can do. Just pick up and try again tomorrow, I guess."

Anyone that's watched the Pirates play in the last month or so would have a hard time disagreeing with Mientkiewicz. I guess Doug's not planning on keeping his locker at PNC Park for much longer. If he wants, the Pirates would probably sign him on for one more year so they can totally crush his spirit and he can join Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, and the host of other veterans who's careers have died with the Pirates in the past ten or so years .

Baseball fights rule. We all know that. Usually though, they're not simply a result of a batter taking too long. But that was the case last night, as Doug Mientkiewicz teed off Randy Johnson by taking too long in the batter's box.

Basically, Doug (we're not friends, I'm just trying to save my CTRL button) stepped out of the batter's box as Johnson was winding up. This angered the tall, mulletted gentlemen who has killed small animals with baseballs before. (Shocking, I know.) And the result was an empyting of dugouts sans any actual violence. Unless you count the words. They were kind of violent, even later on (emph. mine).

'It didn't really bother me at all,' Johnson said. 'If it would have, he'd probably be in a stretcher and I'd be out of the game.'

[...]Said Mientkiewicz: 'I just wanted to get set in the box. I don't get many at-bats, and I want to make the most of them. But I also understand that he's going through the delivery there.'

That is so sad on so many levels. First of all, poor Doug and the only so many at bats statement. Sheesh. And Unit just comes off as psychotic at this point, since, you know, he basically said he would send Mientkiewicz to the hospital if he ever angered the tall fella.

Or maybe the Pirates knew this would knock Unit off of his game just threw Doug to the wolves. Either way, the lesson, as always, is not to do anything that would cause you to get in the way of Randy Johnson's fastball.

Yesterday afternoon, Doug Mientkiewicz took a step towards effectively ending his career. Maybe he thought that signing a minor league deal with the Pirates would give his career some legs, but he's got a couple things working against him there. First off, signing a minor league deal with the Pirates is a pretty crappy omen. Second off, journeyman vets tend to not really find other places to play after they flounder in Pittsburgh for a year.

That probably seems like hyperbole to you, but the following Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, and Chris Stynes have all had their careers ended by the Pirates since 2004 and Dan Kolb may not be far behind them. Randall Simon had to spend a year out of baseball as penance for his time in Pittsburgh, and his "career" since Pittsburgh consists of 38 at-bats in 2006. Does the Eye Chart fit into the same mold as these players? I'd say yes.

What's really a mystery to me is why Mientkiewicz had to sign a minor league deal with the Pirates. He doesn't have much power, but he's put up OPS's of .770 and .789 in spot duty over the past two years, which is just about league average. He's left-handed and still a decent fielder. The problem for him is that first base is probably the only position the Pirates' don't need a league average player at with Adam LaRoche, Xavier Nady, Ryan Doumit, and prospect Steve Pearce all able to play first and better than Mientkiewicz. It seems insane to me that there wasn't a better situation for him somewhere else in the league.

You may remember as Jonathan Papelbon --- Mr. Awkward, Funky Jig Man himself -- recorded the final out of the World Series with a strikeout, Jason Varitek plopped the ball into his back pocket. We speculated he may have pulled a Doug Mientkiewicz with the move. But alas, Varitek said he'd give the ball "back to the team." Done deal, right?

Wrong.

... Varitek said after the game that he'd give the souvenir to the team, but on Wednesday he said he gave it to closer Jonathan Papelbon.

"I already gave it to Pap," Varitek said. "It's out of my hands."

Papelbon does not know where the ball is, his agent, Sam Levinson, said Wednesday.

[ .. ]

Lucchino said in Colorado that a team archivist was working on retrieving the 2007 last ball. The team was not aware that Papelbon had the ball, spokesman John Blake said Wednesday.

"We will discuss it internally when everything dies down a little bit," Blake said.

Oh boy, Jason: what have you done with this ball? And Pap, you are having your agent speak for you? This reeks of conspiracy, folks. I just grabbed my trenchcoat and magnifying glass out of my closet, I'll see you in Boston ... or should I start in Denver first? I'll give Columbo a call, he'll point me in the right direction.

Previously on FanHouse:
Did Jason Varitek Pull a Doug Mientkiewicz?

Among the many debate-worthy things about the Yankees' early 0-2 deficit to the Indians -- not least among them A-Rod's total responsibility therein -- a minor argument about whether or not play should have continued during the midge infestation has crept up. Its main proponents? You guessed it: the Yankees:

If Roger Clemens had been making the call, the New York Yankees really would have bugged out.

Clemens viewed Friday night's insect invasion at Cleveland's Jacobs Field from both the dugout and a television in the clubhouse, and he concluded it was too distracting an environment to pitch in.

"I would have probably pulled us off the field," Clemens said Saturday at Yankee Stadium.

Clemens' logic is pretty fallacious, especially when you consider that the Indians had to deal with the exact same conditions over the exact same stretch of play. I far prefer Doug Mientkiewicz's explanation, actually:

"The joke around the guys was that we all have Derek Jeter's Driven on," he said. "Joba looked like the movie, 'Bees.' He had them all over his neck and his back. But then again, so did their guys."

At least Mientkiewicz understands that all's fair in cologne and war, especially when the Canadian Soldiers invade. Or something like that.

With Jason Giambi out with a dubiously convenient injury and Doug Mientkiewicz possibly dead, the Yankees are hurting for a first baseman, and hurting bad.

One option: why, Johnny Damon, of course:

Spotted taking ground balls and making throws at first during batting practice yesterday at Fenway Park where he wasn't in the starting lineup, Damon was asked if he was doing it to kill time or with designs on playing there.

"He told me to work there and in the [outfield] corners," Damon said of Joe Torre. "I am going to play [first] eventually. I am OK with it."

Wow. I wonder if, in his wildest dreams, Damon imagined becoming a glorified utility man when he signed that contact with the Yankees after the Red Sox' dream 2005 season. Now the Red Sox are storming away with the division, and the Yankees are toiling idly, hoping Roger Clemens (also injured!) can ride in on a pinstriped stallion and save them. Oh, how times have changed.

Previously on the FanHouse:
Roger Clemens Joins Long List of Yankee Injuries
Somewhat Convenient: Jason Giambi Is Injured

Photo Credit: Getty Images

On Deck is The Fanhouse's look at the day's most intriguing baseball matchups

Boston Red Sox (37-17) vs. New York Yankees (23-30)-ESPN 8:05PM Est.

How many more injuries will the Yankees suffer today at the hands of Mike Lowell? Lowell knocked Doug Mientkiewicz out after colliding with him at first base yesterday. Mientkiewicz suffered a concussion, cervical sprain, and a broken bone in his wrist and has been placed on the disabled list. He wasn't Lowell's only victim, as Robinson Cano received a Lowell shoulder to his midsection while he tried to break up a double play in the fourth inning. The Yankees also found out they lost Roger Clemens for another two weeks as his groin is fatigued. I'm not sure what that has to do with baseball, Rog. Just take some damn Cialis and get out there. Also, if you're a big fan of this rivalry, you'll definetely want to watch tonight as these two teams won't meet again until the end of August.

Milwaukee Brewers (31-25) vs. Florida Marlins (27-29)-2:05PM Est.

This game provides one of the day's better pitching matchups as Dontrelle Willis will face off against Ben Sheets. Willis is 7-3 on the season thanks to a lot of run support, and the Marlins have won nine of the twelve games in which he's started this season. He's also had a lot of success against the Brewers in his career, going 3-1 with a 2.57 ERA. Sheets hasn't had much success against the Fish, going 2-4 despite an ERA of 3.42. If the Brewers can win today, it will be their first series victory since they swept the Nationals back on May 9th. Of course, they play in the NL Central, so it's not like losing games will cost you your division lead or anything.

Pittsburgh Pirates (24-31) vs. Los Angeles Dodgers (32-23)-1:35PM Est.

Brad Penny will look to continue his dominance so far this season. Penny is 7-1 with a 2.06 ERA, and comes into today's game without giving up a run in his last 13.1 innings pitched. The last time Penny started a game at PNC Park it was last year's All-Star Game, in which he continually hit 101 on the radar gun. I don't think he'll have to throw a hard against the Pirates to get the job done. It should also be noted that Penny is yet to give up a home run this season in 70 innings. He's the only pitcher who's thrown more than 40 innings this season that can say that. Tom Gorzelanny starts for the Pirates.

Photo Credit: Getty Images