Yeah, I know what you're thinking, smart guy. You're thinking this post should be one letter long, and that letter should be 'F.' It's true that the Big Ten did little to advance its reputation during the season, and even less during the postseason. In spite of it all, there are still a few diamonds among the, um, whatever else it is the diamonds are scattered among.
They're scattered among things like 35-3, a 1-6 bowl game record, the fall of the Michigan dynasty, a tragically unwarranted and completely unjustified preseason overrating, several regressions to the mean, and the worst sendoff since the last episode of "Seinfeld."
So we'll go through the league team by team, painful as that is, to build up the successes and try to understand the failures of Big Ten football in 2008. Yes, I used "success" and "Big Ten football" in the same sentence without the connecting phrase "lack of." Deal with it, Buck. Every team gets an overall grade and a quick look at its prognosis for the 2009 season. For you Big Ten fans, I promise you it's not all bad news; for you Big Ten haters, I promise you it's not all good.
FanHouse correspondent Steve Franklin covers East Carolina football for the Washington Daily News, so from time to time, Steve will deliver in-depth gridiron reports from the South. In his first installment, Steve talks to talented UConn running back Donald Brown, who was the lone bright spot in the Huskies' road loss to UNC.
Folks around Storrs, Connecticut began to take notice of Donald Brown when he first stepped onto the football field donning the blue and white of the University of Connecticut in August of 2006.
In his collegiate debut, as a redshirt freshman, the Huskies' running back toted the ball 18 times for 118 yards and quickly became a fan favorite of UConn followers.
Two years later, the rest of the college football world is finally figuring out what those from the Nutmeg State have been saying for the past year and a half: Donald Brown is one of the best college football players in the country.
"Wow, that kid is good," said University of North Carolina defensive tackle Marvin Austin after Brown rushed for 161 yards and a touchdown in the Tar Heels' 38-12 victory on Oct. 4. "He's a great back. Definitely one of the best we've seen. He runs hard and he's quick. He's the total package."
RIGHT: One of these is the alpha cub. But which one is it?
They're 6 and 1. They've lost to the only good team they've played. Their signature win thus far is over a team that, in retrospect, may not really be that good. They're solid on one side of the ball but they have issues on the other. Quick, which 6-1 Big Ten team am I talking about?
Answer? All of them. Ohio State, Minnesota, Michigan State, Northwestern ... on some level, they're all the same team. You know about OSU. Lost to USC, has a gutty win over Wisconsin which seemed huge at the time, solid defense but an offense that suddenly isn't doing so hot. Minnesota lost to the Buckeyes but beat Illinois. So have two other teams. The Gopher defense is much improved but still isn't great. No complaints about the offense.
Northwestern has seen tremendous improvement in its defense. coupled with an inexplicable drop in its offensive production. The Cats' biggest win is over ... who? 3-2 Duke? Or 4-3 Iowa? 3-2 Southern Illinois? Those are the only teams NU has defeated who currently have winning records, and SIU doesn't really count, being a 1-AA Football Championship Subdivision squad. When the Fightin' Fitzgeralds went up against Michigan State, a team with a pulse, they got flounced.
Oh, and what about Sparty? Does Mark Dantonio's team break the pattern?
RIGHT: Let's face it, this is what everybody's talking about in the Big Ten this week.
We're now two weeks into the conference season and already things are starting to sort themselves out. It's clear that Penn State and Ohio State are going to duke it out for the conference title and a Rose Bowl berth, unless Penn State wins out and gets some help from the Big XII and SEC. It's clear that Illinois, Michigan State, and (probably) Northwestern constitute the conference's second tier. Just below them, put Minnesota (gadzooks, how long has it been since you could put the Gophers ahead of anybody in this conference?) and ... yeesh. Is Minnesota all alone in the third tier?
That leaves us with five teams who right now are fighting for one bowl slot, unless two Big Ten teams wind up in the BCS. Early estimates would favor Wisconsin, though it's starting to look like the Badgers may have been overhyped. (I'll save you the trouble, SEC fan: "All teams in the Big Ten are overhyped!" Oh, look, none of your teams have beaten Vanderbilt!)
Iowa is a strange case, as usual. The Hawkeyes have been more unlucky than awful in their three-game skid, but there aren't any easy games left, except maybe this week. Purdue, Indiana, and Michigan? Stink, stank, and stunk.
ABOVE: Wisconsin's Jonathan Casillas couldn't catch the above quarterback, who is not John Elway. Perhaps if Casillas had a motorized vehicle of some sort ...
Okay, I know it's still quite early in the season, but I think we've seen the Horrible Pants-Blasting Loss of the Year. Not to take anything away from the Wolverines, but when you look at the box score from last Saturday's Wisconsin/Michigan game, you can't help but come away thinking, "How on Earth did the Badgers lose that game?" Up 19-0 at halftime against a team that had only scored 19 points once in three games, with a clock-gobbling running game and a usually stifling defense ... and they gacked.
Sure, there are some good reasons why they lost. Allan Evridge is an inexperienced quarterback. Then again, he's more experienced than Steven Threet, who looked like John freakin' Elway in the fourth quarter. (Okay, he looked like Elway would have looked if Elway had been able to run. I haven't forgotten all the O.J. Simpson jokes, you know.) Again, you have to give Michigan credit for doing what it took to win that game ... but how did Wisconsin lose it? You can only reach one conclusion: Pants-blast.
Other teams whose lower body laundry you wouldn't have wanted to do last week: Indiana, Iowa, and Purdue, who I think became the first team ever to not intercept Jimmy Clausen. How will these teams rebound this week? Hint: like a dead cat.
ABOVE: A rare photograph of a Michigan player holding on to a football somewhat securely.
Conference play finally starts this weekend, which should bring a temporary halt to the chorus of "... but they haven't played anybody yet" coming from all corners of the college football universe. With the real games ready to start, let's take a look back at some notable accomplishments in the non-conference season. Best win: Wisconsin over Fresno State, though I imagine Minnesota's beatdown of Florida Atlantic felt pretty good after what happened last season.
Worst loss: Notre Dame over Michigan. Yeah, OSU lost by more points and looked bad doing it, but at least the Buckeyes lost to a good team.
Worst win: Ohio State over Ohio, a sloppy game which told us the Bucks had no chance against USC the following week.
Best loss: California over Michigan State, thanks to some last-second Cal heroics. Would be Oregon over Purdue, if only the Ducks hadn't lost to Boise State.
Most improved team: Minnesota, which apparently has discovered the importance of putting up at least a token defense. Puking up pastry: Indiana, who had two seemingly impressive wins over Western Kentucky and Murray State nullified by a Lehman Brothers-like meltdown against Ball State. And speaking of those Hoosiers ...
Ah, mediocre football. The annual rite of late summer where fans of middling programs congregate and tell each other things like "if our offensive line is solid then I don't see why we can't go to a New Year's Day Bowl." Soon, of course, love and hopes are, well, amended.
By "amended," of course, we mean "discarded in favor of bloodthirsty savages on sports talk radio complaining about the coordinators and accusing the team of not wanting to win." It's a strange reaction to a 7- or 8-win season, of course, one that ends up in a warm climate in late December (grisly exception: Motor City Bowl, war-torn Bosnia Detroit). The fans never seem to get it: it could be so, so much worse. Look at Minnesota last season.
While Michigan, Ohio State, and (usually) Penn State represent the perennial powerhouse typification for the Big Ten, the conference usually hosts quite a few more mediocre programs. 2008 is no exception. Let's look at some of the programs that, let's be honest, don't stand a prayer of taking the Big Ten crown this season.
He's easily on pace to set some kind of NCAA scoring record today. But then, so was Mississippi State quarterback Interception McGee with six through three quarters before he was mercifully benched.
His line: 7 carries, 65 yards (9.3 average), 3 touchdowns
Fellow backfield mate Javon Ringer is having a great day himself. Ringer has rushed for 69 yards on 7 carries (9.9 average). Michigan State leads UAB 21-0 near the end of the first quarter.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking, smart guy. You're thinking this post should be one letter long, and that letter should be 'F.' It's true that the Big Ten did little to advance its reputation during the season, and even less during the postseason. In spite of it all, there are still a few diamonds among the, um, whatever else it is the diamonds are scattered among. 
FanHouse correspondent Steve Franklin covers East Carolina football for the 
Every Thursday, 
Every Thursday, 
He's easily on pace to set some kind of NCAA scoring record today. But then, so was Mississippi State quarterback Interception McGee with six through three quarters before he was mercifully benched.
