In the first installment of the end-of-season report card on the Big Ten, we looked at the schools in the first half of the alphabet. Know what letter is in the first half of the alphabet? That's right. F. But then, all the other grade letters are in the first half of the alphabet too.
Even though it wasn't a great year overall for the conference, there were plenty of bright points and hopeful signs and "wait until next year" moments which should have Big Ten fans excited for next season. Either that, or we'll all look like Charlie Brown did five seconds after Lucy teed up the football. But I digress. Let's take a look at the teams in the second drawer of the Big Ten file cabinet, shall we?
ABOVE: A rare photograph of a Michigan player holding on to a football somewhat securely.
Conference play finally starts this weekend, which should bring a temporary halt to the chorus of "... but they haven't played anybody yet" coming from all corners of the college football universe. With the real games ready to start, let's take a look back at some notable accomplishments in the non-conference season. Best win: Wisconsin over Fresno State, though I imagine Minnesota's beatdown of Florida Atlantic felt pretty good after what happened last season.
Worst loss: Notre Dame over Michigan. Yeah, OSU lost by more points and looked bad doing it, but at least the Buckeyes lost to a good team.
Worst win: Ohio State over Ohio, a sloppy game which told us the Bucks had no chance against USC the following week.
Best loss: California over Michigan State, thanks to some last-second Cal heroics. Would be Oregon over Purdue, if only the Ducks hadn't lost to Boise State.
Most improved team: Minnesota, which apparently has discovered the importance of putting up at least a token defense. Puking up pastry: Indiana, who had two seemingly impressive wins over Western Kentucky and Murray State nullified by a Lehman Brothers-like meltdown against Ball State. And speaking of those Hoosiers ...
Since the Feds have taken over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, you can expect sheer unmitigated chaos in the markets Monday morning. I can't help you with real investment advice, but I can help you find some of the buys, sells, and holds in Big Ten football after two weeks.
Right now I'm making Penn State's Spread HD offense a strong buy. Last season PSU fans would've traded Jay Paterno for some pocket lint and half a Twix bar, but the early returns on his new boy-wonder offense are quite promising indeed. Sure, it helps that the defense is playing out of its heads and didn't miss two suspended starters on the defensive line one bit against Oregon State (yes, yes, I know, I was wrong; it's not like it's the first time), but the offense has been nothing short of brilliant so far. With their next two games against Syracuse and Temple, look for big gaudy offensive numbers and lots of hype heading into the September 27 game with Illinois. And, the way the Illini defense has played so far, they might well have gaudy numbers after that game, too. It might take until October 11th's Wisconsin game to know if the Spread HD is just a dog-and-pony show, but for now, it looks like the real deal. You want in on the ground floor of this one.
In the video below, the Democratic Presidential candidate refers to the school nickname as the "Nittaly Lions". Good thing he's not running for public office or anything.
Not that he needs any excuses, but it's been a long campaign and these mistakes happen to all the candidates, although this one does call back a bit to John Kerry's "Lambert Field" error in Wisconsin. The difference of course being Obama comes across as an actual athlete and sports fan instead of playing one for the cameras.
As part of our College Football preview series, we've been lucky enough to peek into the world of the JoePa Chronicles, where Fake Joe Paterno regales us and those around him with tales of football history, international intrigue, and that one weird story where he probably confused Ki-Jana Carter with Jimmy Carter. Fake JoePa also has lots to say about the upcoming season, and today he talks about the Big Ten.
AND THAT IS HOW LASSIE ACQUIRED THE CANINE AIDS Just for saving a little red-headed boy? That hardly seems NOT JUST ANY REDHEAD, A KNOWN IRISH Whatever. Can I go home now? It's like 8 and all you've done since lunch is watch TV. THIS IS FILM STUDIES, WE HAD A VERY INCONSISTENT YEAR LAST YEAR No, it's not. It's the first season of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. And I think you know that because you've been singing along to the theme song even when it's not playing. GO GO NOW A DANGER I'm leaving. GO GO COWS IN MANGERS
As you're likely aware--or not, whatever--the Big Ten Media Days are this week. While Brian Cook has been dutifully filing updates, the rest of Fanhouse has been specifically barred from attendance after an unfortunate incident last year involving a duck and seven quarts of canola oil. Mistakes were made. Nonetheless, we were able to acquire a full transcript of JoePa's appearance at Media Day for you. And by "acquire" we mean "totally make up."
It seems every paper in Pennsylvania has a reporter dedicated to scouring the seven seas for information about Joe Paterno's pending retirement: is it pending? Like... how pending? Are we talking "imminent" or "his dessicated bones will still lord over us when it's Planet of the Apes time?" And who will they hire? Schiano? Al Golden? Bender?
Players recruited by the Nittany Lions are being assured that when Paterno retires, his replacement will come from the current coaching staff rather than an outside hire.
''Mr. Paterno told me himself that his replacement is already within the staff, so he'll just bring one new guy in and bump everybody up in the ranks,'' linebacker Mike Yancich from Washington, Pa., said.
Any reasonable observer must therefore conclude that the job will go to defensive coordinator Tom Bradley, and outpost of competence amongst-
By Joe Eb from York, PA Jun 20th 2008 at 9:52 am EDT And Jay you should be worrying about the offense of a college football team that has a LOT of questions, not blogging about Obama.
By Jay Paterno Jun 20th 2008 at 10:02 am EDT For your information our offense was #1 in the Big Ten last year in the only two categories that we really look at: the key situations of Red Zone and Third Downs (and to a lesser extent 4th downs where we ranked #7 in the nation).
Yeah. Read the whole thing for inevitable comment deletions, "Zach Mills" never-ending arguments and other hilarity.
Jay Paterno is Penn State's version of Jeff Bowden: the malignant tumor clinging to his iconic coach father's pant leg and turning any quarterback he comes across into a puddle of confused goo. Except JayPa hasn't been kicked to the curb by an irate fanbase yet.
That doesn't mean he's beloved. No one likes him save for Big Ten defensive coordinators. Witness Black Shoe Diariesresponding to this article in which JayPa defends himself from his critics, who are legion:
''I don't worry about any of that stuff,'' said Paterno, the featured speaker at Sunday's Tyrone Golden Eagle Monogram Club induction ceremony. ''I have a lot of faith in what we do and the guys we coach, and I know I'm doing a heck of a job.''
Penn State's junior quarterback Anthony Morelli, a heavily hyped recruit, finished the year 92nd in passing efficiency.
''I have never had a problem with my own confidence,'' he said. ''I know I'm smart enough, I know I know what I'm doing.''
JayPa started coaching PSU's quarterbacks in 1999. No data is available at the NCAA website for his first year, but the seven subsequent have seen PSU rack up the following pass efficiency ratings:
2006: 92nd
2005: 53rd
2004: 111th
2003: 100th
2002: 45th
2001: 83rd
2000: 74th
I know what JayPa's doing, too: screwing up Penn State's quarterbacks.
In the first installment of the end-of-season report card on the Big Ten, we looked at the schools in the first half of the alphabet. Know what letter is in the first half of the alphabet? That's right. F. But then, all the other grade letters are in the first half of the alphabet too.
Since the Feds have taken over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, you can expect sheer unmitigated chaos in the markets Monday morning. I can't help you with real investment advice, but I can help you find some of the buys, sells, and holds in Big Ten football after two weeks.
In the 
AND THAT IS HOW LASSIE ACQUIRED THE CANINE AIDS
Just for saving a little red-headed boy? That hardly seems
As you're likely aware--or not, whatever--the Big Ten Media Days are this week. While 
It seems every paper in Pennsylvania has a reporter dedicated to scouring the seven seas for information about Joe Paterno's pending retirement: is it pending? Like... how pending? Are we talking "imminent" or "his dessicated bones will still lord over us when it's Planet of the Apes time?" And who will they hire? Schiano? Al Golden? Bender?
What about me?
JUNIOR, COME DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT
That apple 
Jay Paterno is Penn State's version of Jeff Bowden: the malignant tumor clinging to his iconic coach father's pant leg and turning any quarterback he comes across into a puddle of confused goo. Except JayPa hasn't been kicked to the curb by an irate fanbase yet. 
