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Every Thursday, Pickin' on the Big Ten previews the upcoming weekend's games and ponders the meaning of it all, staring into the yawning existential void and calling a fullback dive on third-and-seven.

With one more loss, Michigan will become ineligible for a bowl game for the second season in a row. This has not happened since W.A. "Brad" Thornwhistle's disastrous first two seasons in 1847 and 1848. To avoid this horrible dishonor, all the Wolverines have to do is to beat Ohio State on Saturday. That will keep them alive for the Little Caesar's Pizza! Pizza! Bowl Bowl.

One little loss to Northwestern can change everything. Iowa looked like the team to beat in the Big Ten title race, but now that it has fallen to the Wildcats and Ohio State has beaten Penn State, all the momentum has moved back to Columbus. Technically, both the Hawkeyes and Buckeyes control their own destiny. Whichever team wins Saturday's game is the presumptive conference champion.

Now go try to figure the odds that Iowa can win in the Horseshoe with a redshirt freshman quarterback making his first career start with no run support to speak of.

Bobby Bowden turned 80 on Sunday, but he wasn't in the mood to celebrate.

Bowden's Florida State Seminoles lost a key ACC game at Clemson and also their starting quarterback, Christian Ponder, possibly for the season with a separated shoulder in the process on Saturday. Talk about a family funk.

Bowden's son, Terry, whose coaching staff includes younger brother Jeff, saw his undefeated and top-ranked Division-II North Alabama Lions tumble in four overtimes on Saturday, too. And Bowden's son-in-law, Jack Hines, the defensive coordinator at Colquitt County High (Ga.), opened the weekend with a defeat on Friday.

"Our whole family got whipped. We ain't celebrating nothing," Bowden quipped Sunday.

We finally figured out what sort of misfortune Iowa's Cardiac Kids couldn't survive. They couldn't survive losing Ricky Stanzi. As a result, No. 8 Iowa fell to unranked Northwestern on Saturday, 17-10.

The junior quarterback left just before halftime after Northwestern's Corey Wootton tackled him in the end zone. Stanzi sprained his right ankle and fumbled the ball. As Northwestern's Marshall Thomas recovered the fumble for a touchdown, Stanzi remained on the Kinnick Stadium turf. He would walk off the field on his own power, but Stanzi would not return to the game. Neither would Iowa's offense.

Every Thursday, Pickin' On the Big Ten stays late to run the TPS reports on the coming weekend's games.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his or her level of incompetence.

The above statement is better known as the Peter Principle, and if it doesn't make sense to you, join the club. I didn't get it the first 1,378 times I read it. Now I recognize it for what it is. It's an overly intellectual way of saying "People who do a good job keep getting promoted until they wind up in a job they can't do."

So what does this have to do with Illinois, you ask?

Every Thursday, Pickin' On the Big Ten previews the weekend's action, even when the truth is ugly.

It was a bad week for vowels.

The seven Big Ten schools whose names start with consonants played anywhere from OK to brilliantly this past weekend. The four that start with vowels -- Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, and Ohio State -- all dropped a pantload on the field.

Illinois gets a partial pass because Missouri has been on a nice run lately. Ohio State played a Navy team that usually goes bowling. Indiana struggled with a Division I-AA FCS school, but they're Indiana; you kind of expect these things from them after a while.

That leaves one school. Iowa. And if I was an Iowa fan ... wait. I am an Iowa fan. Make the jump and see what has me feeling punchy. I promise I'll get around to the games eventually.

Chess or checkers?

The way Joe Paterno figures it -- and he has figured plenty as Penn State's 82-year-old coaching icon, not to mention the winningest coach in D-I history with 383 wins -- football is more like chess than checkers.

"In checkers, everybody does the same thing. In chess, different people can make different moves, have a different impact on the game," Paterno pointed out Thursday during Penn State's media day.

The college football season is fast approaching, with many fall camps set to open this week. Thus it's time to lay aside our interregional bickering and turn our thoughts to, you know, what might actually happen on the field.

The big question in the Big Ten this season is whether Penn State's conference championship was just a momentary burp in the conference's Buckeye-dominated food chain, or whether things might actually be shifting just a bit in the conference. Do the Buckeyes claim the title again? Will the Nittany Lions defend last year's crown and make a run at the national title? Will there be some giant, world-rocking surprise team that comes in and knocks them both out of the BCS?

Make the jump and all shall be revealed.

James McDonald, a backup wide receiver on the Penn State football team, has been kicked off the team for reasons which are technically undisclosed, at least by the PSU athletic department.

However, McDonald was cited for DUI on July 9th after being pulled over for an expired registration. Couple that with a suspension for "undisclosed violations" back in 2007, and it isn't hard to see why McDonald is now an ex-Lion.

While Florida State's appeal of its sanctions for academic malfeasance goes on, potentially ruining Bobby Bowden's chance to finish his career as the Football Bowl Subdivision's winningest coach of all time, Joe Paterno is yawning. And it isn't because he's 82 years old and wants a nap.

Probably.

In an interview with the Reading Eagle newspaper, Paterno made it clear that he doesn't care if he winds up with the all-time wins record or not. "When they put me underneath, it won't make any difference whether I'm one win ahead or 10 wins behind. I've enjoyed my career. I've been lucky. I've never really thought about that kind of legacy."