FanHouse JoeTheismann

Jon Gruden is the new Tony Kornheiser. Just about everybody not working for NFL Network is cool with that.

Mr. Tony the columnist and Pardon the Interruption co-host was nothing like Mr. Tony the third wheel in the Monday Night Football booth, and his departure -- whether on his own terms or otherwise -- is a welcome change. Before ESPN named Gruden to replace Kornheiser, NFL Network had similar plans: they wanted Chucky to move into Cris Collinsworth's seat (Cris graduated to Sunday Night Football after John Madden retired) and work alongside Bob Papa on the eight Thursday night games.

The last time I thought about Fran Tarkenton I was in elementary school and he was on That's Incredible, cast as the third wheel opposite John Davidson and Cathy Lee Crosby. That was 25 years ago.

I bring it up not to point out that Fran was to reality teevee what Joe Theismann was to Sunday Night Football (and who, coincidentally, was linked to Crosby ... until he sued her, anyway), but to emphasize that professional athletes bound for the Hall of Fame can retire from the game -- and the media glare -- with some dignity.

I'm guessing Ray Lewis didn't expect to be five days into free agency and still without a team. Surely the Cowboys, a club in need of a locker room leader, would throw millions at Lewis to lure him to Dallas. Or even more likely: new Jets head coach -- and former Ravens' defensive coordinator -- Rex Ryan would bring the cornerstone of those suffocating Baltimore defenses north to New York, whatever the cost.

A month ago, both scenarios seemed eminently plausible. Now, after the Jets signed former Ray-Ray teammate Bart Scott to a six-year, $48 million deal, and the Cowboys opted to go with low-key Keith Brooking, Lewis' options have been reduced to ... well, the Ravens. A team he allegedly declared dead to him on Friday morning only to change his mind when it became clear that nobody else was interested in services.

Yesterday we found out that Joe Theismann was unimpressed with Chris Cooley inadvertently posting nudie pics of himself. And today, in part two of Dan Steinberg's wide-ranging interview with the former Redskins quarterback, we learn that Theismann still has lingering feelings about how things went down on Monday Night Football, and, in particular, former boothmate Tony Kornheiser.

"I still think Tony's out of place," he said. "Tony was hired to do a job in a football booth that, first of all, didn't suit him. And it didn't suit the venue, the venue being football, period. Tony doesn't belong in a booth. What he adds and what he brings, ok, has a place. But it doesn't have a place in the booth, and I think he's gonna retire after this year....

"And you've got to remember, I got fired from ESPN because I talked about football. And now, their main emphasis after two years of trying to do it the other way, is going back to talk about football."

I was as down on Theismann, teevee analyst, as anybody, but I can't disagree with his contention that "Tony's out of place." That's a nice way of putting it, I'd say. Between playing the role of village idiot and fawning over Brett Favre like he's Peter King, Kornheiser has squandered much of the credibility he earned during an impressive 30-year stint as one of the country's best sportswriters. Solid work, that.

I have no idea if Mr. Tony will retire after the 2008 season or if this is just wishful thinking on Theismann's part, but, well, I don't think many people would miss him. It's sorta sad, really. Not to worry, though; there's always room for one more buffoon on Around the Horn.

Last week, the Sports Bog's Dan Steinberg had the pleasure of talking with former Redskins great and Mr. Tony adversary, Joe Theismann. It was a wide-ranging discussion that, as Dan writes, touched on everything from politics to the Redskins to Chris Cooley's private parts. Because, really, no conversation about the 'Skins is complete without a mention of Cooley's man bits.

For the uninitiated, Cooley, Washington's Pro Bowl tight end, "accidentally" photographed his penis in a recent post on his blog. (Hey, it happens. I guess). He promptly apologized and took down the image, but head coach Jim Zorn still had to explain to his players why it's generally a bad idea to post your junk (or the team playbook) online.

Predictably, Theismann had some thoughts on Cooley's nekkidness:

" I haven't seen [the photos of Cooley's wang] but I've heard about it. It's inexcusable. Chris's situation is inexcusable....First of all, how can you put something on a blog, a picture. It's your blog. It's got your name on it. It's just like having a sign out front that says 'This is mine,' and not be responsible for its content. Especially when you know so many kids look at it, men and women. That was totally, totally irresponsible."

To be fair, it's sorta hard to put a sign on your stuff that says "This is mine" and then not be responsible for, um, it's content. Travis Henry can attest to DNA testing ruining any chance of that.

So it begins. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of the Patriots 2008 season. New England's first game in the post-Brady era comes against the New York Jets, coached by Bill Belicick's former protégé-turned nemesis, Eric Mangini.

Throw in the Brett Favre and Matt Cassel subplot, and the game most of us thought the Pats would win handily just a week ago, suddenly becomes much more competitive. Surprisingly, New England fans have been relatively measured in the aftermath of Tom Brady's knee exploding,

Maybe it's hubris, or denial, or, perhaps, they're right: New England is without it's on-field leader, but there are plenty of other guys on the team capable of stepping into that role. If that doesn't convince you, this certainly will: Troy Aikman AND Brad Johnson have faith in Matt Cassel.

"There's no doubt that you don't lose a Tom Brady and get better," said Troy Aikman, the former Cowboys star quarterback who is Fox's lead NFL analyst. "But I think that this team is resilient enough, we've seen it for too many years. I believe this team is still going to have a really good year. I expect Matt Cassel to play well, I really do.

Kurt Warner stepped in and [the Rams] won a Super Bowl [in 1999]. That's how Tom Brady got his opportunity. I know this, there's something about Matt Cassel that they saw that they liked when they drafted him."

Being a football fan in New Jersey with no allegiances to the locals has been an interesting experience in the last couple of weeks, to say the least. As Favremania has gripped the region, there haven't been a lot of rational thinkers out there -- just a lot of hysteria. I couldn't get away from it. I sought refuge at last weekend's All Points West festival, where I figured the hipsters, hippies, and Radiohead fanatics would reject any semblance of professional sport. But, no, there was this.

Through it all, I've seen nothing but bad ahead for Brett Favre and the Jets. The opinion is probably more prevalent across the nation, but in my little vacuum this is the best thing to happen to the area since The Beatles played Shea, or, you know, The Sopranos. I've been a lonely voice in my homestate.

But Joe Theismann and former Giant quarterback Jeff Hostetler have my back. Both cite the location more than the decision itself as a mistake. Theismann thinks that New York is simply a "void-filler" for Favre, and that his lack of desire to play there will ruin him. Hostetler thinks that the prickish fanbase will turn on him and render him paralyzed from culture shock (my words, not his).

Both men (surprisingly, in Theismann's case) make excellent points, and they're well worth considering for any Jets fan who has conveniently forgotten the phrase "buyer beware." Hate to ruin the puppy dog parade, Jets fans, but it's better to be prepared than smacked by reality.

Thanks to the reminder from eagle-eyed reader Paula LaBourdette, I owe ESPN's Chris Mortensen an apology for questioning his reportin' skillz. Earlier this month, Mortensen said Brett Favre was contemplating un-retirement, Favre denied the rumors, and I accused Mort of being wrong (again).

That's what I get for putting all my eggs in the "No way Favre comes back" basket. In any event, Chris was right, I was wrong. Virtual high-fives and group hugs all around.

Related to all this, Joe Theismann, who has been hiding in a bunker somewhere since he left the WWL last year, has some thoughts on where Favre will likely end up. Jeff Garcia will not be happy.

"I think the odds are better than 50-50 Favre ends up with the Bucs," former Pro Bowl quarterback Joe Theismann said Wednesday. "If Brett Favre plays football in 2008, I think it's in Tampa."

The Tampa Tribune's Ira Kaufman writes that the Buccaneers have done nothing to quell the rumors which, again, can't make Garcia all that jazzed about the current situation. In fact, during a Tuesday conference call, general manager Bruce Allen "had every opportunity to declare ... Garcia will remain the starting quarterback this fall after leading Tampa Bay to an NFC South title in 2007. ... Instead, he suggested that reporters should talk to the Packers or Favre himself."

Not only is Lawrence Taylor proficient at breaking Joe Theismann, he's also clairvoyant. Earlier this week, Taylor predicted the rift between the Dolphins front office (specifically Bill Parcells) and Jason Taylor would be a non-issue once JT hit the field.

Yesterday, head coach Tony Sparano was a guest on WQAM 560 and offered this (via PFT):

But one of the issues that we really did want to get out there and I wanted to make a point to Jason about is we as an organization and, certainly me as a head coach, want to see Jason Taylor back here with the Miami Dolphins in uniform, out on the field, doing what he does best for the Miami Dolphins, and that's running after quarterbacks and sacking quarterbacks.

(Evidently, one of the occasional side-effects of heavy coke use is telepathy. Nice work, LT.)

Earlier this spring, Jason Taylor suggested that Parcells and general manager Jeff Ireland brushed him off in an awkward scene at Dolphins HQ, but apparently everybody (but Parcells) is on the same page now: Ireland and Sparano showed up at Taylor's charity event Sunday night, a gesture Mr. DWTS appreciated.

Given that Taylor says he'll play another season, and that the Dolphins don't have anybody on the roster to replace him, Sparano's doing the right thing. I'm guessing Parcells won't be sending Taylor any conciliatory text messages anytime soon, but that's because he's out of touch with a lot of today's athletes.

It's official: ESPN announced yesterday that Tony Kornheiser will return to Monday Night Football for a third season. Virtual high-fives all around. In January, Kornheiser said he had "no reason to believe" he wouldn't be back, but Joe Theismann expressed similar sentiments about 15 minutes before Ron Jaworski showed up at his office door holding one of those "you've just been fired, dude" moving boxes.

Of course, Theismann was the guy taking shots at Mr. Tony last season, suggesting that MNF had become a "three-hour Tony Kornheiser show." Well, play-by-play guy Mike Tirico disagrees:

''It's not Tony Night Football,'' Tirico said ... But, he said, "You have to pay more attention with what you're doing with Tony because he's not qualified to get on there and talk about pulling guards.''

I think that was supposed to be a compliment. Although, as I wrote a few months ago, after Theismann got the boot, Kornheiser seemed to find his niche: "observations from the perspective of a sometimes buffoonish sports fan with no real understanding of football. Hey, whatever works."

Which explains why "he's not qualified to get on there and talk about pulling guards." Or be expected to know who LaDainian Tomlinson is.

Yes, Kornheiser's shtick can get tired, but he's harmless enough. Plus, Tirico and Jaworski more than make up for it. My only suggestion would be to have Jimmy Kimmel on more often.