In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, we give you Julian Tavarez, who makes an alcohol analogy regarding his signing with the Washington Nationals. Tavarez compares joining the Nationals to trolling for women in dive bars in the wee hours of the night while inebriated (which I'm sure some you will be doing later, so don't judge.)
"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavárez said on Sunday. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
When Julian Tavarez learned that the Red Sox left him off their playoff roster last fall, he had a pretty funny response: "That's OK. As long as we get the ring and the big check." In hindsight, it seems he didn't care about the ring very much at all. Red Sox Monster found this anecdote in The Capital Times:
Julian Tavarez didn't pitch in the postseason for the Boston Red Sox last season, but for being on the regular season roster, he has a World Series ring.
Somewhere.
It seems the newest member of the Milwaukee Brewers left the $20,000 prize in his locker when the Red Sox designated him for assignment, then released him earlier this month.
"They're going to mail it to me, I'm sure," Tavarez said.
Um, Julian? You might want to check on that. Leaving a $20,000 World Series ring laying around isn't the same as forgetting a couple of shirts at the dry cleaner for a month. If you don't watch out, your ring just might end up paying college tuition for some lucky ballboy.
With Eric Gagne on the disabled list and Seth McClung moving to the rotation, the Brewers bullpen is in pretty sudden need or reinforcing. Instead of looking to the minors, they've elected to go to the scrap heap and pick up Julian Tavarez, who was awful with the Red Sox in nine appearances earlier this year before being cut. From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Brewers' Blog (who actually talked to Doug Melvin this time instead of pushing unsubstantiated rumors and blaming blogs for ending civilization as we know it):
"He hasn't pitched since May 11 but he has been throwing," said Melvin. "We've had to bring up the younger, inexperienced guys. They've done ag ood job but this adds depth.
"It's not the main reason we've been losing ball games but we're just trying to add depth to the bullpen. He's here to add experience. He's a groundball guy, not a strikeout guy. He's versatile; he's done some starting, too."
Along with experience, depth, and versatility, Tavarez will bring a WHIP over 2.00 and an ERA over 6.00 into Milwaukee. And yes, that's only in twelve and two-thirds innings, but it's not like he was a lot better last year. Honestly, what do the Brewers think they're getting here?
The Red Sox haven't traded him to Milwaukee for a sausage, not yet anyway, but they've designated reliever Julian Tavarez for assignment. If he's looking for someone to blame for his possible unemployment, he might want to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It's not related to budget shortfalls in California but to a quote that inspired the guy who looks like he's taken Tavarez's job in the Red Sox bullpen. Craig Hansen was once a highly regarded first-round pick who flamed out in his first tour of duty with the Sox. I'm not sure if he said "I'll be back" when they farmed him out but he did take solace in other words from the Governator.
"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
Hansen was last seen posting a 6.63 ERA with the Sox in 2006 and spent all of last season in AAA. He credits his work with a pitching coach that lives inside the stomach of another pitching coach for turning his career around. While he's chuffed about his return to the big leagues, it did cause him to break a promise he made to Tavarez.
"Remember, Julian, when I promised to kill your career last?"
On Deck is The Fanhouse's look at the day's most intriguing baseball matchups
New York Mets (41-32) vs. St. Louis Cardinals (33-39)-ESPN2 7:05PM Est.
The last time the Cardinals visited Shea Stadium they were dogpiling on the pitcher's mound and preparing themselves to go win a World Series. This time around they're just trying to get back to .500. Mike Maroth will be making his first start for the Redbirds after they acquired him from the Tigers last week. He'll be facing a Mets team that's won three in a row, and looks like it might be coming out of it's June swoon. Jorge Sosa starts for the Metropolitans, and I'm sure he's hoping Paul Lo Duca doesn't throw his catchers equipment at him.
Bleacher Bums is MLB FanHouse's look at those oh so fun fan adventures.
Big ups to Dan Lamothe of MassLive.com's Red Sox Monster for finding this gem. That's Julian Tavarez warming up before a recent Yankees-Red Sox game, interacting with some surprisingly friendly Bombers fans. At first I think Tavarez is kind of annoyed, but he definitely warms up.
He might be setting himself up for trouble, though, because if he ever hits Jason Giambi "in the cabeza" it'll be awfully tough for him to call it an accident instead of an attempt to "knock the steroids out of him."
On Deck is The Fanhouse's look at the day's most intriguing matchups
Oakland Athletics (28-27) vs. Boston Red Sox (37-18)-10:05PM Est.
You know, there is somebody on the Athletics who's not injured, and his name is Dan Haren. I hope by saying that I haven't jinxed him, his arm will probably fall off tonight and I'll feel terrible. If it does, it'll be a shame, because he's been one of the best pitchers in baseball this season. He's 6-2 with a 1.64 ERA this season, and those two losses are misleading. Haren started this season 0-2 even though he only gave up one earned run in his first two starts. It won't be easy for him tonight, as he faces one of the best lineups in baseball, and he'll have to ignore the prowess of Boston's greatest porn star, Julian Tavarez.
Seattle Mariners (28-25) vs. Baltimore Orioles (27-30)-10:05PM Est.
Speaking of young arms with fantastic stuff, tonight's matchup in Seattle should be fun to watch. Felix Hernandez gets the start for the Mariners, and he'll be facing off against Erik Bedard and the Orioles. Felix hasn't been very good since coming off of the DL, going 1-2 with a 6.30 ERA in those four starts, but he gets to face an Orioles lineup that's struggling to score runs lately. Bedard is coming off of his best start this season last week against the Royals, but has trouble with the Mariners. In four career starts he's 1-3 with a 5.73 ERA. If you have Jose Lopez on any of your fantasy teams, you may wanna give him a start today. He's 5-7 with a home run in his career against Bedard.
Philadelphia Phillies (28-28) vs. San Francisco Giants (26-29)-1:05PM Est.
Barry Zito's 5-5 record and 4.21 ERA so far this season haven't really been worth the $126 million he's being paid, but if he can keep throwing like he did in his last start, it will be. Zito went seven innings against the Mets in his last start, striking out seven and not giving up a run. Jon Lieber starts for the Phillies.
On Deck is The Fanhouse's look at the day's most intriguing baseball matchups Boston Red Sox (34-15) vs. Cleveland Indians (31-17)-7:05PM Est.
The two best teams in the American League start a three game series in Fenway tonight. Curt Schilling gets the start against one of the best offenses in baseball. The Tribe isn't the ideal team to face when you've been struggling, and Schilling is struggling right now. In his last three starts he's 0-1 with a 5.71 ERA. Cliff Lee goes for the Indians who are fresh off a sweep of the Tigers in Detroit. Should be a very exciting game, let's just hope Julian Tavarez keeps it in his pants.
Philadelphia Phillies (26-24) vs. Arizona Diamondbacks (29-23)-7:05PM Est.
Two of the hotter teams in the National League square off in Philly. The Phillies have finally started playing like the team they told us they'd be before the season started. They just swept the Braves in Atlanta, and their offense is the highest scoring in the National League. The Diamondbacks just swept the Astros, and have won 4 in a row to put themselves right back into the NL West race. Today's game features two pitchers who've struggled this season in Freddy Garcia (1-3 4.81) and Doug Davis (2-6 3.57), so it could be a high scoring affair.
Colorado Rockies (23-27) vs. St. Louis Cardinals (20-27)-3:05PM Est.
The Rockies just finished their first sweep of the Giants in San Francisco in franchise history. They've also won their last 5 games and start a 10-game homestand with the Cardinals this afternoon. That's good news for the Rocks as the Birds have lost five straight on the road, and ten of their last twelve. The bad news for the Rockies is that Albert Pujols has come to life, and is hitting .489 in the last eleven games to raise his average on the season 63 points to .302.
Seeing the news that Roger Clemens is only a day away from making his first minor league start with the Yankees makes me more and more upset. It makes me upset that the Red Sox just gave up -- let the Yankees have him. They gave a courtesy offer to Clemens, and let the Yankees walk away with the prize. The Red Sox could have pulled the trigger just like they did with Dice K, and they would've left the Yankees dead in the water. See, the sputtering Yanks were struggling immensely (and still are). Steinbrenner panicked and gave Cashman the green light to drop some serious cash in the lap of Clemens. Now, with a healthy rotation, the Yankees will have Chien-Ming Wang, Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Phil Hughes, and Roger Clemens. Tell me you wouldn't take that over Curt Schilling, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Josh Beckett, Tim Wakefield, and Julian Tavarez.
I won't buy any of the excuses. I won't settle for the cocky boasting by Red Sox fans. I've heard it all. Julian Tavarez wanted everyone to know that the Red Sox didn't need Clemens. Baseball experts told you that the Red Sox were already in first by a far margin and there was no need for Clemens. Let me tell you something -- that's horrible logic. See, every player Boston adds, it does so by subtracting from the Yankees. Whether Clemens is worth the money or not is irrelevant; all that matters is that Boston could have kept the Yankees from getting him. There was only one arm out there that could have helped the Yankees close the gap between themselves and the Red Sox -- the right arm belonging to Roger Clemens. And now they have it. And now they are only a few weeks away from seriously contending with Boston, and making a run at the playoffs.
Mark my words, the Yankees will make the playoffs, and Roger Clemens will play a serious role in them getting there. But could you imagine how devastating the Red Sox would have been with The Rocket? Schilling, Clemens, Beckett, and Dice K in the playoffs? Could it get any better? Do you see my point here? I don't care how much it would've cost to outspend the Yankees -- the Red Sox had a serious chance to deliver a lasting knock out punch to the Yankees, one that would've set the Evil Empire back for years to come. One that would sent all of New York in turmoil. If there was ever a move worth going into debt over, it was for Boston to sign Roger Clemens for one year, pay that $30 million, and see the Yankees fail.
In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, we give you Julian Tavarez, who makes an alcohol analogy regarding his signing with the Washington Nationals. Tavarez compares joining the Nationals to trolling for women in dive bars in the wee hours of the night while inebriated (which I'm sure some you will be doing later, so don't judge.) 
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