In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, we give you Julian Tavarez, who makes an alcohol analogy regarding his signing with the Washington Nationals. Tavarez compares joining the Nationals to trolling for women in dive bars in the wee hours of the night while inebriated (which I'm sure some you will be doing later, so don't judge.)
"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavárez said on Sunday. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
When Julian Tavarez learned that the Red Sox left him off their playoff roster last fall, he had a pretty funny response: "That's OK. As long as we get the ring and the big check." In hindsight, it seems he didn't care about the ring very much at all. Red Sox Monster found this anecdote in The Capital Times:
Julian Tavarez didn't pitch in the postseason for the Boston Red Sox last season, but for being on the regular season roster, he has a World Series ring.
Somewhere.
It seems the newest member of the Milwaukee Brewers left the $20,000 prize in his locker when the Red Sox designated him for assignment, then released him earlier this month.
"They're going to mail it to me, I'm sure," Tavarez said.
Um, Julian? You might want to check on that. Leaving a $20,000 World Series ring laying around isn't the same as forgetting a couple of shirts at the dry cleaner for a month. If you don't watch out, your ring just might end up paying college tuition for some lucky ballboy.
With Eric Gagne on the disabled list and Seth McClung moving to the rotation, the Brewers bullpen is in pretty sudden need or reinforcing. Instead of looking to the minors, they've elected to go to the scrap heap and pick up Julian Tavarez, who was awful with the Red Sox in nine appearances earlier this year before being cut. From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Brewers' Blog (who actually talked to Doug Melvin this time instead of pushing unsubstantiated rumors and blaming blogs for ending civilization as we know it):
"He hasn't pitched since May 11 but he has been throwing," said Melvin. "We've had to bring up the younger, inexperienced guys. They've done ag ood job but this adds depth.
"It's not the main reason we've been losing ball games but we're just trying to add depth to the bullpen. He's here to add experience. He's a groundball guy, not a strikeout guy. He's versatile; he's done some starting, too."
Along with experience, depth, and versatility, Tavarez will bring a WHIP over 2.00 and an ERA over 6.00 into Milwaukee. And yes, that's only in twelve and two-thirds innings, but it's not like he was a lot better last year. Honestly, what do the Brewers think they're getting here?
The Red Sox haven't traded him to Milwaukee for a sausage, not yet anyway, but they've designated reliever Julian Tavarez for assignment. If he's looking for someone to blame for his possible unemployment, he might want to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It's not related to budget shortfalls in California but to a quote that inspired the guy who looks like he's taken Tavarez's job in the Red Sox bullpen. Craig Hansen was once a highly regarded first-round pick who flamed out in his first tour of duty with the Sox. I'm not sure if he said "I'll be back" when they farmed him out but he did take solace in other words from the Governator.
"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
Hansen was last seen posting a 6.63 ERA with the Sox in 2006 and spent all of last season in AAA. He credits his work with a pitching coach that lives inside the stomach of another pitching coach for turning his career around. While he's chuffed about his return to the big leagues, it did cause him to break a promise he made to Tavarez.
"Remember, Julian, when I promised to kill your career last?"
Getting left off the playoff roster can trigger different emotions in baseball players. Some rail against their managers and the coaching staff and anyone else who comes to mind. Others just quietly accept it, praying that they'll get their chance if the team advances to the next round.
But the best reaction to being left off the ALDS roster comes from -- who else? -- Boston's Julian Tavarez. As noted in today's Boston Globe, the guy's clearly got everything in its proper perspective:
"That's OK," Tavarez said. "As long as we get the ring and the big check."
Since Tavarez' most notable postseason moment, at least around Red Sox country, is giving up a game-winning home run to Mark Bellhorn in the opener of the 2004 World Series -- the turning point from which the Sox took off and never looked back -- his absence in the bullpen will probably mean a slight drop in Maalox sales. But his ability to keep his teammates loose -- this is a guy, after all, who claimed he wanted to be a porn star, had his head rubbed by Manny Ramirez in a now-classic YouTube moment, and sported cleats emblazoned with David Ortiz' face -- makes him a valuable clubhouse presence for the October grind.
For further proof that nothing's sacred in the ongoing rivalry between Red Sox fans and Yankees fans, we present this bit of news:
The Yankees' page on Wikipedia, according to a message posted by the Powers That Be, has been shut down for any further editing until late August, due to "vandalism."
The Red Sox page, at least as of this writing, is still open for business -- of the editing sort.
Now, we have no proof that the responsible party was a Red Sox fan. Hey, it could have been a Mets fan or perhaps even an Astros fan, still lamenting the loss of Roger Clemens. Or maybe even a pesky Pirates fan, trying to throw us all off the trail.
On Deck is The Fanhouse's look at the day's most intriguing baseball matchups
New York Mets (41-32) vs. St. Louis Cardinals (33-39)-ESPN2 7:05PM Est.
The last time the Cardinals visited Shea Stadium they were dogpiling on the pitcher's mound and preparing themselves to go win a World Series. This time around they're just trying to get back to .500. Mike Maroth will be making his first start for the Redbirds after they acquired him from the Tigers last week. He'll be facing a Mets team that's won three in a row, and looks like it might be coming out of it's June swoon. Jorge Sosa starts for the Metropolitans, and I'm sure he's hoping Paul Lo Duca doesn't throw his catchers equipment at him.
Guys like Ichiro and Manny may get all of the pub for being a little "out there", but Julian Tavarez, in my humble opinion, is just as entertaining as those two superstars. He not only threatens bleacher bums with physical violence, but he's also unafraid to tell the truth. For instance, sometimes, he just doesn't feel like coming in to work:
"I wasn't even in the mood to be here today," said Tavarez after allowing just three hits in an 11-0 rout of the Atlanta Braves.
"There's nothing wrong, it's just how it is. I've been in the major leagues for 12 years, and if a major league ballplayer tells you they want to be in the ballpark every day they're lying to you because it's not true. Sometimes you come to the park because you have to."
I, for one, applaud Julian for his refreshing honesty. Just because you're paid millions of dollars to play a child's game doesn't necessarily mean that you're always looking forward to doing your job. Next time you hear a pro athlete say they love to come to the park every day, do like Ichiro, and punch them in the face.
Bleacher Bums is MLB FanHouse's look at those oh so fun fan adventures.
Big ups to Dan Lamothe of MassLive.com's Red Sox Monster for finding this gem. That's Julian Tavarez warming up before a recent Yankees-Red Sox game, interacting with some surprisingly friendly Bombers fans. At first I think Tavarez is kind of annoyed, but he definitely warms up.
He might be setting himself up for trouble, though, because if he ever hits Jason Giambi "in the cabeza" it'll be awfully tough for him to call it an accident instead of an attempt to "knock the steroids out of him."
On Deck is The Fanhouse's look at the day's most intriguing matchups
Oakland Athletics (28-27) vs. Boston Red Sox (37-18)-10:05PM Est.
You know, there is somebody on the Athletics who's not injured, and his name is Dan Haren. I hope by saying that I haven't jinxed him, his arm will probably fall off tonight and I'll feel terrible. If it does, it'll be a shame, because he's been one of the best pitchers in baseball this season. He's 6-2 with a 1.64 ERA this season, and those two losses are misleading. Haren started this season 0-2 even though he only gave up one earned run in his first two starts. It won't be easy for him tonight, as he faces one of the best lineups in baseball, and he'll have to ignore the prowess of Boston's greatest porn star, Julian Tavarez.
Seattle Mariners (28-25) vs. Baltimore Orioles (27-30)-10:05PM Est.
Speaking of young arms with fantastic stuff, tonight's matchup in Seattle should be fun to watch. Felix Hernandez gets the start for the Mariners, and he'll be facing off against Erik Bedard and the Orioles. Felix hasn't been very good since coming off of the DL, going 1-2 with a 6.30 ERA in those four starts, but he gets to face an Orioles lineup that's struggling to score runs lately. Bedard is coming off of his best start this season last week against the Royals, but has trouble with the Mariners. In four career starts he's 1-3 with a 5.73 ERA. If you have Jose Lopez on any of your fantasy teams, you may wanna give him a start today. He's 5-7 with a home run in his career against Bedard.
Philadelphia Phillies (28-28) vs. San Francisco Giants (26-29)-1:05PM Est.
Barry Zito's 5-5 record and 4.21 ERA so far this season haven't really been worth the $126 million he's being paid, but if he can keep throwing like he did in his last start, it will be. Zito went seven innings against the Mets in his last start, striking out seven and not giving up a run. Jon Lieber starts for the Phillies.
In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, we give you Julian Tavarez, who makes an alcohol analogy regarding his signing with the Washington Nationals. Tavarez compares joining the Nationals to trolling for women in dive bars in the wee hours of the night while inebriated (which I'm sure some you will be doing later, so don't judge.) 
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Getting left off the playoff roster can trigger different emotions in baseball players. Some rail against their managers and the coaching staff and anyone else who comes to mind. Others just quietly accept it, praying that they'll get their chance if the team advances to the next round.
For further proof that nothing's sacred in the ongoing rivalry between 
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