FanHouse Marvin Lewis

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

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CINCINNATI -- As losses go, this one was a stinker. Flying high off yet another last-minute intra-divisional win, the Bengals showed up for a home game Sunday against the Texans and had just about everything go wrong. They lost, 28-17, most important, and they also saw key defensive lineman Antwan Odom and Domata Peko go down with injuries. Odom's is a torn Achilles' tendon, which means they've lost him for the season. Bad, bad loss.

But the message Bengals coach Marvin Lewis delivered to his team in the wake of this bad loss was the same, simple two-word mantra he delivered on the first night of the season, after a goofy last-minute bounce cost the Bengals a game against the Denver Broncos:

"Don't flinch."

CINCINNATI -- If Cedric Benson were going to make this climb from the NFL scrap heap to the top of the rushing list, it only makes sense that he'd do it here, among the well-known collection of misfits and ne'er-do-wells that league observers and HBO subscribers know as the Bengals.

This is in many ways the perfect spot for someone like Benson, who was unwelcome in Chicago before he even arrived and who drank himself out of town without ever delivering on the promise that comes with being the No. 4 pick in the draft. Here by the muddy banks of the Ohio River, in the shadow of the creaky Roebling Bridge, a team that's had only two winning seasons in the past two decades is happy to make Benson feel at home.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

Consider this hypothetical: what if two coaches met in a dark alley and threw down in a no-holds-barred brawl? Who would emerge victorious?

First, some background: back when I was in high school, when my friends and I were pretty creative in finding ways to avoid actually paying attention in class, we'd create brackets (think NCAA Tournament) where we'd pit our teachers against each other**. Whoever we thought would win in a fight advanced to the next round. It always ended with our offensive line coach against our wrestling coach in the finals and a huge argument as to who would come out on top.

Anyway, last week, the Back Porch staff somehow ended up discussing whether Rex Ryan or Tom Cable would win in a old school playground scrap. I passed along the above information, and shortly after that, an idea was born -- NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament.

Training camps have wrapped up, the NFL season is right around the corner, and it's still hot as sin outside. But instead of cooling you off with a warm island song, FanHouse break out ye old heat check for our 2009 NFL Season Previews. " We'll rate each club in 5 categories on a scale of 1 to 10, high score wins.

They don't allow you to take a mulligan in pro football. If they did, one has to believe the Cincinnati Bengals would take it for the whole 2008 season. An injured quarterback, problems on defense, and a controversial and somewhat unproductive wide receiver conspired to take Cincinnati down. After a 4-11-1 campaign, the Bengals are ready to (sort of) start over.

Andrew Simon is a Bengals fan. That makes him -- by default -- slightly more tortured than most football fans. And you know what? Sometimes the pain of being the fan of a perennially horrible football team just becomes more than one person can bear.

That's when it becomes time to hire an airplane to fly over Bengals training camp imploring the organization to, ahem, shake some things up. Okay, that's probably not the proper reaction, but you can't really fault Simon for doing just that vis a vis a banner that read, "101-187-1... Hire a GM!"

It happens every year at training camp, yet every year seems worse than the ones that preceded it: players get injured, sometimes seriously, and an offseason worth of plans suddenly become meaningless.

The Eagles will be without middle linebacker Stewart Bradley for the season, and things aren't looking good for Falcons wide receiver Harry Douglas (and this is while the club tries to negotiate an extension with Roddy White).

And on Sunday, the Ravens' No. 2 wideout, Mark Clayton, strained a hamstring that will keep him out 2-3 preseason games. Compared to Bradley or Douglas, that's good news, but Baltimore also doesn't have much depth at receiver. More than that, quarterback Joe Flacco is just in his second season. Spreading the offensive burden seems like the best strategy to build on the success he had last year, but that becomes problematic if Flacco doesn't have anybody to throw to. Or maybe it doesn't.

After saying that he and Carson Palmer "were like Brokeback Mountain," it only made sense that Chad Ochocinco would move in with the Bengals quarterback this summer. That was the plan (according to Mr. Ochocinco), anyway.

Palmer's wife -- and I'd assume Palmer, too -- had other ideas. The family just had twins, and even if they hadn't, I'm not sure they would be interested in introducing crazy into their home. Via the Dayton Daily News' Chick Ludwig:

Update: Mr. Ochocinco has indeed tweeted that the tats are fake because his grandma would have killed him otherwise. So, yeah, everything's back to normal in Cincinnati. Next stop: AFC North title. Obviously.

The term "jumping the shark" jumped the shark a few years ago, but dated references aside, it perfectly describes Chad Javon Ochocinco. When Chad first began acting out -- silly touchdown celebrations sandwiched between sillier sound bites uttered through gold fronts -- we all thought it was funny.

Like when a puppy nips at your hand in between tail-chasing sessions -- it's harmless and cute. Except that it becomes less so when, four months later, the dog is chewing through everything in the house and you end up putting him on doggy Prozac.

That's Mr. Ochocinco.