FanHouse NBABleak

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. The Bucks. Is it still considered tanking if you play all your best players (40+ minutes for Michael Redd, Mo Williams, and Andrew Bogut) and still manage to lose to the Heat, who played only three guys who haven't played in the D-League this year? I think so.

2. The Jim Boylan regime. Boylan could very well get jumped in the middle of a game by half his team, and I wouldn't be surprised. What could possibly be so revolting about his style to illicit such anger from his charges?

3. The Knicks. Signs of life in James Dolan's skull!

4. The Bobcats. March has been loads better than the season-killing 1-11 Ferbuary Charlotte had. But the franchise-high 5-game win streak led to another 5-game losing streak. Charlotte will probably not clear the 30-win mark, after a promising run last year (33 wins). Sam Vincent might be the first rookie coach firing this summer.

5. The Mavericks. Dallas, of course, could still very well win a title this summer. But watching Dirk Nowitzki go down and watching Jason Kidd be so ineffective in late-game situations ... it's got to be a nervous in Big D. And don't forget how old this team is -- they were the 5th oldest before trading 26-year-old Devin Harris for 35-year-old Kidd.)

Others receiving votes: The Kings; The Clippers; The Nets, who should in these playoffs with that much talent.

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. The Knicks. Even awful in green! What can they not ruin? One win in nine games in March ... over the Heat. Playoff push, indeed.

2. Seattle basketball. The losses never end: On the court, in the board room... and Kevin Durant's about to be eclipsed in the R.O.Y. race by Luis Scola.

3. The Bucks. How long until Andrew Bogut shows up to the arena with a paper bag on his head? The sad thing: Michael Redd hasn't been awful, but his contract will get him run out of town this summer. Blame Larry Krystowiak, says I. He has the talent on this team to have better than the worst defense in the league.

4. The Bulls. No one seems to want the 8th seed in the East. You'd think Chicago -- who won 49 games last season with a young team -- might be able to pull it off. And under Jim Boylan, the entire roster has (we repeat) regressed.

5. The brain stems of those who would deny LeBron 31-8-7 James consideration (at the very least) for the MVP award. Jeff Van Gundy left LBJ off his MVP candidate list during Sunday's Rockets-Lakers game because Cleveland is in 4th place in the East. LeBron is not only having the best 2008 of all players; this might be the best individual season of the decade.

Others receiving votes: Smush Parker's sense of chivalry; my frickin' head this morning.

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. The Knicks. As the great Billy Corgan would say shriek: "You know I'm not dead." Does James Dolan need some garlic, or perhaps a silver bullet? Unicorn blood?

2. Ron Rothstein. "You take it from here, Ron. We're going to sit Dwyane, though. ... I don't know, try the Jason Williams-Chris Quinn smallball lineup! Jeez!"

3. The Pacers. When your $20 million center with bad knees and a worsening disposition is the least of your problems, things suck. I mean, the contracts of Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy Jr. are positives for this franchise!

4. Seattle basketball. Not to demean a worthy proposal, but where was Steve Ballmer and his clan of Superfriends last summer? It's not too little, but it is too late.

5. NBA on ABC production crews. Dwyer hit on it Monday, but ... egads. The music choices are awful.

Others receiving votes: Courtside seats in Phoenix; Channing Frye (yes, I'm petty).

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. The Knicks. Isiah Thomas still sits in the throne (despite the NY media's best rumor attempts). Therefore, the Knicks remain at the summit of the Bleakers. Zach Randolph is injured and David Lee still doesn't start! Aaah!

2. The Bucks. Things are so bad (how bad are they?) that Bill Simmons began campaigning for the upcoming GM vacancy... and Bucks fans embraced it. The guy who compared Yao Ming over Jay Williams to Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan and said the Magic were "dumb" if they picked Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor... Bucks fans see that fellow as a massive improvement. That pretty much says it all about the Larry Harris regime, doesn't it?

3. Bulls fandom. This quote from Blog-a-Bull sums up the sentiment, I think: "Jim Boylan is a rube, a boob, a farce, a fraud, a hack, a joke, and proving himself to be completely unqualified to be an NBA head coach." A-yep.

4. The D-League in March. Instead of call-ups for The D's brightest novas, fellows like P.J. Brown, Flip Murray and Tyronn Lue are sliding into the 12th man seat. Remember Moneyball? If there's a market inefficiency in the NBA right now (there are likely two dozen), cheap as $%@* and unattached NBDL players (Justin Williams, Rod Benson) are the centerpiece. A pittance for a rebound every two minutes, people!

5. The Suns. Strange things are afoot in PHX, with noted analyst Tas Melas (of The Basketball Jones) predicting the Suns be watching the playoffs and Matthew Yglesias offering an incomplete but frightening graphic.

Others receiving votes: Seattle basketball; Seattle basketball; Seattle basketball.

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. The Miami Heat. No more do the Boy Wonder and his not-so-superfriends get a Bleakers pass. Clearing carcasses and cap space can only do so much for you -- at some point, you must win a freaking game. The Heat have only one victory since Christmas. No one expected Shawn Marion to save the season, but you expected Dwyane Wade -- a player folks mistakenly placed on higher ground than LeBron James a year ago -- to be able to will his team into the win column once this month.

2. The New York Knicks. You can do it, Knicks! Just one more 40-point loss to break the franchise record! You don't want the Isiah Thomas era to pass without at least one notable achievement, do you? DO YOU?

3. Seattle basketball. One week from today, Oklahoma City voters will approve public funding to renovate an arena which has seen roughly 70 NBA games. Seattle has hosted 41 years of NBA basketball and cannot get help on an arena. And David Stern is eulogizing who? Yep. This world is awesome and fair.

4. Gerald Wallace's skull. After Crash got clubbed in the head by an inadvertent Mikki Moore elbow, news came out that Wallace has suffered four concussions in the past few years. While it fits as a perfect definition of Gerald, it's worrisome and sad to we, his fans. Get well, Crash.

5. Sam Vincent. He has reportedly lost his team, he has Primoz Brezec talking smack about him across international borders, and he's deciding now is the right time to tell Wallace he needs to change the way he plays to save his career? Dude is laid up recovering for AMNESIA and you're laying this on him? Go away, Sam. He was freaking doubling down onto a guy with the ball two feet from the rim. Should he not play defense any more? Is playing with a vibrant motor not what NBA players are supposed to do? Is there an Anti-Coach of the Year Award? Sam's campaigning hard.

Also receiving votes:
The 2008-09 Los Angeles Clippers; Portland's playoff chances; the Larry Krystowiak Fan Club group on Facebook.

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. All-Star Yao Ming. No offense to the Chinese behemoth, but he is about the worst All-Star in memory. Coaches feel obligated to play him big minutes because he's one of the top vote-getters, but he is the anti All-Star, comparable to Bruce Bowen or Michael Ruffin. The kitsch of skyscrapin' centers hoisted threes is understandable (see: Bol, Manute), but Yao's bombs couldn't excite Yao's mum. But yeah, only another 10 years of him in the starting lineup. Enjoy.

2. LeBron James. This isn't a denigration of The Chosen One; he was great all weekend, especially in the hijacking of Daniel Gibson's Friday night halftime interview and his Black Inspector Gadget get-up on Saturday night. But he is roughly 49 hours from seeing all hope of star-laden help disappear for another six months. It's not Danny Ferry's fault (well, Larry Hughes is) -- Cleveland's tradable assets simply couldn't compete with Dallas for Jason Kidd or Atlanta for Mike Bibby. Without either, the Cavs aren't beating Boston.

3. The state of All-Star uniform design. Ugh. Seriously: Ugh.

4. The Knicks. The Bleakers without the Knicks would be like Dwight Howard without a smile or Ric Bucher without orange skin: unnatural.

5. The Bucks. Combine high level of losing with the notion there's no shot Milwaukee will shake things up this week... and yeah, that's bleaksauce.

Others receiving votes: Gerald Green's future TV time; Sean Williams' checking account; the sanctity of NBA broadcasting.

If we don't care about the scourge of the NBA, who will? The Bleaker Rankings will assess the grotesque each Tuesday.

1. The Knicks. Isiah Thomas wishes he had Memphis' roster. And Jamal Crawford wishes he had a reason to go to work more than once every two weeks. (Free David Lee!)

2. The Bobcats. In fairness to Sam Vincent's crumbling regime, it's not his fault Sean May, Adam Morrison and Raymond Felton are sitting the year out.

3. The entire Southeast division. It's really not Vincent's fault! His charges just caught the highly contagious suck bug. What they need down there on the seaboard is a box of nicotine winning patches.

4. Chris Wallace's Christmas card list. First Gregg Popovich reamed Memphis for gift wrapping Pau Gasol for the Lakers. Next? Mark Cuban, of course, followed by Gilbert Arenas. I even heard John Salmons (John Salmons!) on radio ripping the deal.

5. The Bulls. Has any Bull but Thabo Sefolosha gained anything out of this season? Ben Gordon is worse, Kirk Hinrich is worse, Luol Deng is (injured and) worse, Ben Wallace is exponentially worse, Tyrus Thomas is worse, Chris Duhon's the same (there are no negative integers in the NBA). This team has one hot month for the second-year Swiss guard and a good debut for underused rook Joakim Noah -- and that's it -- to show for the first 50 games of the season.

Other receiving votes: Kevin Garnett's inner monologue; Gil's unprogressive views toward sensationally efficient Jose Calderon; the Grizzlies.