FanHouse RogerClemens, Yankees

I don't understand the Fanhouse feedback, sometimes. Some unsatisfied customers of our high-price service have called us a "humor blog," suggesting that they "don't get it" and that they could better obtain a type of currency called "lulz" elsewhere. This could not be further from the truth. We are not a humor blog. These are actual transcripts from the official chatroom of Major League Baseball. I don't think we've ever hidden that fact. It's like found art. A tampon in a teacup.

For example, today's Dugout is an excerpt from Roger Clemens' court hearing, an event that happens in the future and involves some random cursing and references to popular culture. Why would we write this? This is for your information.

Roger Clemens explains his screen name in detail after the jump.

So after Monday night's Jays-Yanks mash-up, which saw the Jays throw behind A-Rod, Jorge Posada and Matt Stairs get plunked, and a couple hard slides, I predicted further high-jinks for Tuesday. And the lads didn't disappoint.

For those keeping score, the bad blood runs back to May, when A-Rod pulled his now-classic "Mine!" manuever in Toronto. The Jays were perfect gentlemen during their next series in New York, apparently choosing to wait till the Yanks were up in the Great White North to exact their revenge.

During last night's game, things got ugly fast, with Josh Towers drilling A-Rod in the leg to kick off the third, causing the benches to empty as A-Rod tried to advance toward the mound before being restrained.

"It was heated," Joe Torre said. "I'm just glad we didn't come to blows; it could have gotten ugly. I guess yesterday wasn't a mistake. [A-Rod] got thrown behind yesterday, so this other thing probably set him off a little bit."

A few innings later, Roger Clemens, never one to shy away from retailiation, hit Alex Rios in the back, earning an instant ejection while the benches cleared yet again.

Interestingly, one of the most animated characters on the field was Yanks base coach Tony Pena, who spent the better part of the game jabbering at Towers, prompting a post-game war of the words.

"I was like, 'What is this guy running his mouth for?' He's a quitter," Towers said. "He was managing a team (the Royals in 2005) and he quit in the middle of a season, because he couldn't hack it. Hey, he's going to run his mouth at me? It had nothing to do with Alex."

"I don't care," said Pena when informed of Towers' comments. "I have no comment. Just let him talk."

Don't miss Part Three, kids. Tonight at 7:07pm.

The embarassment of getting booed off the mound at Yankee Stadium last week? I'm sure Roger Clemens will be able to shake that off with a little help from his wife and a big-ass plate of meat. But this god-awful commercial from 1986, featuring a dubbed Rocket lip-synching the Zest Soap jingle? Chances are his grandkids will be living this sucker down eons from now.

HT: NESN's Boston Sports Blog.

Sure, his contract with the Yankees -- which included a bazillion dollars, spectacular perks, Hummers, hovercrafts and a secret base on the moon -- seemed a tad excessive. But never let it be said that Roger Clemens doesn't give a little something back.

This piece from yesterday's New York Times tells us that when the Rocket arrived back in the Apple, he had a little sumthin' for all his fellow Yanks:

When Roger Clemens joined the Yankees last month, he gave T-shirts to his new teammates. On the front is Clemens's Rocket Man logo, and on the back, in bold letters, is a personal slogan: Tough All Day.

As someone who's seen grown men get into fist fights during T-shirt night at the local tavern, I'll never be one to underestimate the allure of the free T. But that's kinda like your rich Uncle Fred showing up at Christmas with a sack of T-shirts for the whole family -- T-shirts with his face on them, no less.

Of course, it could have been a rhinestone jacket. So perhaps it's not so bad after all.

You can snark all you want about his private jets, afternoons off, baggage handlers, personal chefs and open invitation to Steinbrenner family reunions; Roger Clemens is all about the team. Why else would the dude make a rare relief appearance -- his first in the regular season since 1984 -- during yesterday's loss to the Giants? Against Barry Bonds, no less? Because he cares.

Sensing the Yankees' pen stretched thin after Saturday night's 13-inning extravaganza, Clemens made himself available for relief work, according to Lisa Olson in today's Daily News.

Roger Clemens stuck his head into the visiting manager's office yesterday morning and told Joe Torre he had at least 50 pitches in him. Clemens was (and still is) meant to start Wednesday's game against the Orioles, but the Yankees had lost in 13 innings here one day earlier and barely made it out Colorado earlier in the week with their arms still attached. So Torre said, "Fine, I'll take 20."

So Clemens got the nod in the seventh to face Bonds. But what could have been a highlight clip for the ages -- I admit to wondering aloud if Roger would knock him on his ass -- turned out to be less riveting than a game of "Clue" at the local retirement home. Bonds walked on five pitches.

Anticlimactic, yes. But like Dante Hicks in Clerks, Clemens wasn't even supposed to be there, as his contract allows him to skip road trips on which he's not scheduled to start. That's dedication to the cause, my friends.