FanHouse Super Bowl Swag

Continuing with the theme of Super Bowl art, we present this ... well, this "art"-like substance.

I know what you're thinking. "Any paste-eating fourth-grader could have done this." And maybe that's true (check out the rack on that cheerleader, though).

But it's not like this isn't being sold as some fantastic work of art. It's an ACEO, sort of like a little trading card that artists trade amongst themselves, or use as like a little personal calling card. And hey, the asking price is 99 cents. That still might be a little high for approximately 45 seconds of work, but still ... no one's asking you to break the bank.

The artist who created the listing is actually quite a talented artist ... observe his eBay store, or his website. Or this line from a profile about him here.

"Davini's abstract work has an existential quality that challenges and lures the viewer into searching for relationships that may elucidate or deny the unexplainable."

Also, he puts hooters on stick-figure cheerleaders.

Rare is the item that serves as both an elegant piece of Super Bowl art and a weapon with which you can bludgeon to death a fan of the opposing team. eBay, right now, features one such item.

It's a welded steel sculpture by artist Chris Jaworski (you're certainly not going to get any quality art out of Ron Jaworski) designed to memorialize Super Bowl XLI. It appears to be a bunch of small pieces of metal welded together in the form of a Bear, a Colt, and the Roman numeral XLI, with what I think is a football above it (hi-res image here).

That's the Bear on the left, and the Colt on the right ... and it's not like this is just useful for the Super Bowl. When the season ends, you can also use the Colts statue to support your other favorite team, the Diseased Pterodactyls.

I kid. I think it's honorable that someone made an honest effort to produce original Super Bowl Art. It's certainly more unique and lasting than any t-shirt or commemorative SI issue that you're going to get, even if the price is a little steep ($3500 with no bids right now).

I never thought I'd see a jacket as beautiful as this one again. And ... well, I was right right, the Warren Moon jacket is still unmatched, but this thing is at least in the neighborhood. If you've ever waken up one day and said to yourself, "I have gone my last day on this planet without having a California sunset, the word "Pasadena" in cursive, and the Lombardi trophy" featured on my back ... then I have just the jacket for you.

This polyester dream is available right now for just $7.95. It has six snaps on the front (no respectable jacket closes without snaps), and two pockets. And the really cool thing ... well, I'll let the auctioneer explain:

THE REALLY COOL THING IS THAT TEH JACKET ALSO HAS ALL OF THE TEAMS LOGO'S ALL AROUND THE JACKET, SOME ARE THE VINTAGE OR OLD SCHOOL LOGOS!!!!! ADDITIONALLY, IT HAS 2 ****MASSIVE**** SUPER BOWL 27 LOGO'S WITH THE DATE OF THE GAME AND PASADENA, CALIFORNIA ON BOTH SLEEVES!!!!

!!!!

That's nine exclamation points and eight asterisks and you're not going to buy this thing? What's wrong with you?

Anything that commemorates Super Bowl XXVII is a valuable piece of merchandise. After all, it's the Super Bowl where O.J. Simpson performed the ceremonial coin toss ... so if you're ever wearing this jacket, and you run into O.J., you two will have something to talk about while he's murdering you. It's also the game that featured the Leon Lett play and the Michael Jackson halftime performance, so ... it's something to be celebrated.

There are times when you're hanging out with a group of old people, and maybe you're not having a very good time ... until you see an older guy wearing something awesome, and you think, "this guy's 85, but he's still my kind of guy." And then you get him drunk, buy him a hooker, wreck a marriage that had lasted sixty-five years, and forget about the guy the next day ... I believe that this is an item that could spawn a tremendous friendship like that.

They are Super Bowl I cuff links, still in their original box. Cuff links as Super Bowl merchandise ... imagine. You don't see that anymore. And even if you did, they wouldn't have the character of these things. No colors, no flashy jewelry ... just simple, solid, engraving. I really love these things. Not enough to spend two large on them, but ... I could see why someone would.

With emphasis on "film." If you happen to own a 16mm projecter and are a huge fan of the 1969/70 Super Bowl Champion Chiefs, then today is your lucky day.

People today still refer to game footage as "film," even though they probably have it on DVD or in some other digital film. But in my opinion, such modern conveniences are for sissies. Wow your friends with this ... invite them over, tell them you have some game film on the Super Bowl IV Champion Chiefs ... and watch their jaws drop in envy when you dim the lights and fire up an actual projector. This is for only the manliest, technology-hating football fans.

And who knows what you're going to see on this thing. The auction says it's season highlights of of the Chiefs '69/'70 campaign, but when I see something that's been kept alive on actual film, I think there could be something sketchy going on with this. I wouldn't be surprised if, at the end of this, there was a few minutes of a Len Dawson snuff film.

If you're looking for a good conversation piece at your Super Bowl party ... I don't know that you could do any better than this.

It's an actual, legitimate, "Super Bowl" ring ... kind of. The auction describes it as an "AUTHENTIC SUPER BOWL V NFC CHAMPIONSHIP RING," though I think it would be more accurate to just call it an NFC Championship ring. Unless you want to call it a loser's Super Bowl ring.

The Cowboys were participants in Super Bowl V, though they lost the game to the Colts (since then, the Cowboys have a little bit better history with the Super Bowl). This particular ring belonged to Cowboys defensive end George Andrie, a five-time Pro Bowler.

I didn't even know they made rings for conference champions. Do they still do this? Is there any player out there who seriously values their conference championship ring? Does Peyton Manning have one? If he loses on Sunday, will he wear it around? Will people laugh at him? Do you like question marks?

At any rate, the fact that it's a conference championship ring makes it easier to understand why George Andrie donated it to charity. How it ended up being hocked on eBay, I couldn't tell you. But the thing already has 25 bids and is up over $6,000. It's evidently very expensive to celebrate Super Bowl losers these days.

If you've ever had an argument with someone in your office about who was the bigger Bears fan ... here's how you can win. Stroll into work one day wearing this beauty.

I absolutely love this thing. It enables the owner to simultaneously adhere to the company dress code and disrespect it at the same time. This tie says, "You don't think I can stick to your fancy dress code and still look like an idiot? Guess again, chief. I've got Walter Payton and a bear's head hanging from my neck."

This thing commands respect, no matter where you are. In the board room, it says "I love the Bears enough to risk my own career to wear this thing." During after work drinks, it says that you are the guy who's ready to party.

You wear this thing, and women will be leaving Brian Urlacher to snuggle up to you.

It can be difficult to figure out what to wear to a Super Bowl party. If your favorite team is playing, you'll be in a jersey or some kind of team gear ... but how do you make a statement if your team isn't in the game? You wear this hat, my friend. You wear this hat, and nothing else.

As you may have gathered, this hat doesn't have a lot to do with the actual Super Bowl ... but "super bowl" was listed in the eBay auction title, and we have really low standards for inclusion here.

I know a guy who onced dressed himself entirely from head-to-toe in Natural Light cases for Hallowen, and went as the "(Suck)y Beer Enforcer." These hats are so much more refined and cultured. This thing is not just a beer case, refolded into a hat. I mean, that's what it is, but that's not all it is. They've coated the cardboard with urethane or plastic, they've put some wiring in the bad boy, and it even has elastic inside, making it "one size fits all."

They're available at TheBeerBoxHat.com in Miller Lite, Miller High Life, Miller Genuine Draft, Coors, Coors Light, Milwaukee's Best, and Keystone Light. I don't imagine that the Keystone Light is a big seller.

This is the MVP Limited Edition Super Bowl XL Opus Book, complete with autographs of 34 of the 35 Super Bowl MVPs. And if this seems familiar to you, it should ... the were being sold last year for the exact same price. In a few days, we'll have a Super Bowl that's not even covered in this giant monstrosity, and they still want 40 grand for it.

Only 400 of these are in existence ... and the fact that the NFL is still trying to pawn them off on people is evidence that they are not selling like hotcakes ... unless you know someplace that sells hotcakes covered in dirt and rhinoceros sweat. It's somewhat comforting to know that there are fewer than 400 people out there that are both rich enough and dumb enough to order this thing.

Some details:

• The pages are edged in silver leaf
• Comes with white cotton gloves "to ensure the pages stay pristine."
• Weighs over 80 lbs.
• Comes in a silk clam-shell box
• Every play of every Super Bowl game is charted
• Book owners are invited to be photographed by Walter Iooss, Jr. of Sports Illustrated.

The white cotton gloves amaze me. The only thing I've ever buy that came with white cotton gloves is a night with a hooker in a French Maid outfit.

If you're ordering this, I can only assume that you also use $100 bills as snotrags and that you bathe yourself daily in Krug Champagne. I also hope you get mugged immediately.

Who's the handsome gentleman in that picture to the right? None other than former Bears punter Maury Buford. It figures that if there had to be a player in the NFL named "Maury Buford," he would be a punter.

And how does this qualify as Super Bowl Swag? Well, Maury won a Super Bowl with the Bears in '85 ... and this EBay auction was listed as "1985 MAURY BUFORD SUPER BOWL PUNTER." I think that qualifies it as Super Bowl memoribilia.

And here's something else you might not have known about Maury Buford, and to me, this just raises the value of this priceless picture ... Maury played the Cowbell on the original 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle song.

Guess WHAT. I've got a FEVER. And the only PRESCRIPTION ... is MAURY BUFORD.

This beautiful 8x10 of a bemulletted Super Bowl punter can be yours for just $8.50 (shipping is an additional $5.50). Shockingly, as of right now, there are no bids.