FanHouse UltimateSuperBowl

The Super Bowl is a mass market spectacle that usually draws in nearly every American demographic, but rarely satisfies any one of them. The Ultimate Super Bowl examines what would happen if the NFL could focus on one demographic at a time.

Target audience: Members of Congress.

Ultimate Super Bowl: I'm sure there are some silly bets going on this week between congressmen from New York and congressmen from Massachusetts. But hoping the team from their home state wins isn't what I have in mind for the ultimate Super Bowl from a congressman's perspective.

No, the most important thing to our elected officials is that the Super Bowl remains G-rated. As you may recall, when Janet Jackson's breast was exposed during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show, Congress jumped into action: FCC fines were raised, hearings were held, and we were all assured that our elected officials were working to protect us from ever having to see a breast again. Our elected officials would no doubt prefer to work on more important things, and they're hoping they won't have to hop back on their soap boxes after this year's Big Game.

The other thing that could make this the Ultimate Super Bowl for members of Congress is if they can get free tickets to the game. The disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff admitted when he pleaded guilty to conspiracy, mail fraud and tax evasion that he used a Super Bowl trip to bribe at least one member of Congress.

Chances of anything like this happening: I would hope the chances of members of Congress accepting a Super Bowl trip from a lobbyist are slim. The chances of a G-rated halftime show, however, are good. The NFL learned its lesson last time and knows that no more nipples can be exposed.

The Super Bowl is a mass market spectacle that usually draws in nearly every American demographic, but rarely satisfies any one of them. The Ultimate Super Bowl examines what would happen if the NFL could focus on one demographic at a time.

Target audience: Fox executives.

Ultimate Super Bowl: For Fox executives, it's all about eyeballs. They want as many people watching the game as possible, not only for the commercials that companies pay for, but also for their own efforts to promote their other programs.

So Patriots-Giants is a good match-up, in the sense that it has two of the most attractive teams from a ratings perspective, although Patriots-Cowboys or Patriots-Packers probably would have done a little better. But at this point, the most important thing is that the game stays close enough that people keep watching into the fourth quarter. A blowout would be bad, a close game would be good, and overtime ... Fox executives can dream, can't they?

One other note: Fox executives don't want to be hauled in before Congress and fined by the FCC the way CBS executives were four years ago after Janet Jackson's breast appeared on TV for half a second. So the folks at Fox hope the halftime show is non-controversial.

Chances of anything like this happening: Considering that the Patriots are two-touchdown favorites, it seems fairly unlikely that the Giants will make it a down-to-the-wire thriller. But at least Tom Petty is unlikely to have a wardrobe malfunction.

The Super Bowl is a mass market spectacle that usually draws in nearly every American demographic, but rarely satisfies any one of them. The Ultimate Super Bowl examines what would happen if the NFL could focus on one demographic at a time.

Target audience: People who watch for the commercials.

Ultimate Super Bowl: The Apple 1984 ad is often labeled the greatest Super Bowl commercial ever:

But I would argue that while the famous MacIntosh ad was compelling, it wasn't the kind of thing viewers really want to see. People who watch for the commercials are at parties, with their friends, trying to enjoy themselves. They don't want to look at an Orwellian dystopia.

What they want to do is laugh. So the Ultimate Super Bowl for commercial lovers would feature a healthy dose of humorous ads. Cedric the Entertainer spraying Bud Light on his date. The relationship between a Coke truck driver and Pepsi truck driver. Horses playing football with the zebra as the referee.

The Ultimate Super Bowl for commercial lovers would also include ads featuring athletes (Michael Jordan and Larry Bird playing HORSE was one of the best ever), as well as a lot of movie previews -- the Super Bowl has in recent years become the unofficial launch of the ad campaigns for summer blockbusters. Everyone likes a good trailer.

Chances of anything like this happening: Unfortunately, not great. In recent years we've seen a lot of Super Bowl commercials that are designed to -- gasp! -- give viewers information about the company, not to entertain. That probably makes business sense, but it makes the game less fun.

The Super Bowl is a mass market spectacle that usually draws in nearly every American demographic, but rarely satisfies any one of them. The Ultimate Super Bowl examines what would happen if the NFL could focus on one demographic at a time.

Target audience: Hard-core football fans.

Ultimate Super Bowl: For starters, the Ultimate Super Bowl for hard-core fans wouldn't feature any of those much-celebrated Super Bowl commercials. That's not what the real fans tune in for. Ditto for the halftime show. Let's axe the musical numbers and replace them with analysis of the first 30 minutes of the game.

What the broadcast would feature is Ron Jaworski as the analyst. Jaws is universally praised as the man who has put the Xs and Os back into Monday Night Football, and he's a treat for fans who care more about a quarterback's throwing mechanics than his girlfriend.

And as for the game on the field? The Ultimate Super Bowl for real fans would feature the two best teams in the league, which, with all due respect to the Giants, we don't have right now. The Giants beat the Cowboys and Packers fair and square, but both of those teams would give the fans a better game against the Patriots than the Giants will.

Chances of anything like this happening: For the no commercials part, zero, unless the Super Bowl goes pay-per-view some day. But giving the hard-core fans what they want as far as graphics and announcers may be only as far away as the day when technology gives us the option of multiple audio feeds when we watch TV. That technology already exists for bilingual audiences. Why not expand it to include those who like Xs and Os, and those who like fluff?