FanHouse WeWillWin

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Mavs Man.

I CANNOT HEAR YOU! C'mon Mavs fans, I really can't hear you. <clears throat> LET'S GO DAL-LAS! <clap clap clap-clap-clap> LET'S GO DAL- ... oh, screw you all. I'm not your monkey. <walk off the court>

Mavs Man, it's a weird existence, you know? Like, other mascots have an identity beyond their job. Moondog tends bar in a hotel lounge in the offseason. Coyote writes essays for Yankee Pot Roast. Stuff plays bass in a Yes tribute band. The Raptor was a stunt double in Good Luck Chuck.

But me? I mean, my name is Mavs Man, for crissakes. It's very limiting. And these unsightly cracks in my skin? I wasn't born with those; Cuban made me get them tattooed on to look "more authentic" for the fans. Yeah, more authentic. I don't even know what the Hades I'm supposed to be?! Man, when I signed up for this gig I figured I'd be rocking a Tommy Lee Jones type outfit, or at least John McCain. I had no clue I'd be getting sunglasses permanently implanted onto my face and tattoos to give me cracked "authentic" skin. I had no idea I'd lose the name my mother, God rest her soul, gave me.

Being a mascot looks fun, sure. We get to wear roller blades at work. We can carouse with cheerleaders and Jack Nies. We can shoot t-shirts at children and stare at women without anyone knowing. Yeah, it looks like glitz and glamour. But there's a cost, a real heavy cost. You gain worldwide fame and notoriety ... but you lose yourself. You lose yourself.

Go Mavericks.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop | Rocky | Clutch | Spirit | Hooper

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Detroit's Hooper.

<speaks to woman in passenger seat> Can you see out of the windshield now, Kathy? Yeah? Good. You would not beeelieve how messy running down a mutant rabbit can be. That idiot got his Hip-Hop all over my H2. For that reason only do I hope Orlando beats Toronto. The Raptor might cause a ding.

Can you believe these freaking gas prices? I was talking to Tay this morning at the practice facility (working on him my lats, can you tell?) and he said his crew was rollin' in Priuses now. I'm like, you make $8 million a year man! You don't need to downgrade, just like I don't need to downgrade from my H2 to a Yaris or something. <maniacal laughter> Yaris! Can you believe such a world, where champion mascots from the National Basketball Association drive fuel-efficient cars to save money?

But Tay, you know, he was talking about making a stand against foreign oil, so his crew bought these Priuses ... like four of them. They took them to the Junkyard Dog's mod shop to get the gasoline part of the system changed to biofuel. Tay's got a hookup on peanut oil -- he does commercial for this Chinese food joint over in Midtown, but instead of cutting that check they pay him in used peanut oil! Sucker smells like wonton soup! You can actually smell his fleet like two blocks away. He says it's cool, it makes him stand out, he's helping the planet. I'm like, "Whatever man, you smell like wonton soup."

<looks at pump, which clicks off> $86! Are you f@$#ing kidding me?! I wasn't even on E yet, damn. <pokes head in passenger window> Hey Kat, call up Tay. I need to discuss some peanut oil procurement with dude.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop | Rocky | Clutch | Spirit

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: a real live hawk/minority owner named Spirit, as translated by Atlanta great Dominique Wilkins.

Spirit: <screeeeeeeech, screech screech>

'Nique: Spirit says that the Hawks organization is proud to be eligible for postseason play for the first time in nine years. Controlling ownership of the franchise, a group of which Spirit is a member, would like to congratulate the Hawks players and staff on a truly remarkable achievement. He would also like to thank the fans for sticking in there during the down years, and hopes they feel as excited about the team's bright future as he is.

Spirit: <screeech, screech screech>

'Nique: However, due to extenuating circumstances, the Hawks regret to announce we will be forced to forfeit Games 1 and 2 of our first-round playoff series against the Boston Celtics. Postseason travel expenses were not accounted for in the organization's annual budget planning process. We have looked at the numbers, and unfortunately will not be able to squeeze in the costs of jet fuel for the round trip to Boston. We looked into every option, including but not limited to: renting a party bus, stowing away on an aircraft carrier, and hitchhiking. However, management has determined that none of these options are feasible, necessitating the forfeit off both games slated for Boston.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Clutch, representing the Houston Rockets.

That's the last time you put green dye in my bottle of Axe body wash, you scabby intern. Hell, that's the last time you do anything! Mwahaha! <all laugh> Thanks for the help, Shane and Brooksy. But, um ... why are you guys so gleeful all of a sudden? You were pretty teed off when I told you I ... uh ... took care of an intern.

Aaron Brooks: We thought it was the other intern, the cute one. This one was a d-bag.

Clutch: Ah, OK. Glad we're cool, glad we're cool. Welp, thanks again! <Battier and Brooks leave> I can't believe this jackhole turned my green. ... Well, at least we're not playing the Celtics or Sonics, right? Ha, the Sonics. What a madcap advantage that is. Morey's always talking about Presti, like, "Some boy genius! How many wins he got? 12? Mwaha!" Morey's so awesome. Carroll Dawson was awesome too, but Morey's just like, he just gets it, you know? Like that Luis Scola thing. It's like, Carroll would have never even called R.C. Buford, you know? Morey was just like, "what it is R.C.? Gimme Scola sucka!" Dawson was like just scared of the great GMs, you know?

This one time, Jerry West was trying to trade Nick Van Exel and Vlade Divac for two second round picks and Eldridge Recasner, but Carroll was getting tacos, so Jerry got the answering machine. So Carroll got the message when he got home, but it was like 8 p.m., and Carroll heard Jerry goes to bed early, so Carroll said he would call in the morning. But he never called him! He was too scared of being robbed by The Logo! But Morey? He pulled off that Battier trade with Jerry West his first day on the job! And he's not even afraid of calling GMs at home or on the cell phone, not at all! He even text messaged Danny Ainge on a Sunday once! That's balls, man. That's balls.

So yeah, Morey's way awesome, and he's put together a really hot team with a ton of talent. As long as these f$@##@&% interns don't mess things up -- and this one won't be, mwahaha! -- the Rockets are doin' it, baby. We're doin' it.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop | Rocky

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Rocky, representing the Denver Nuggets.

Lunch money, now! I know you're holding out on me! I saw what car your dad drives! Give it up, pipsqueak! <45 cents falls out of pipsqueak's pocket; Rocky drops pipsqueak on bark; pipsqueaks run; Rocky collects change> Yeah, baby! Daddy's got enough for a maple bar!

What I just did there, what you just saw? That's what the Nuggets did to the Warriors last week. We embarrassed them. We harassed them. We made them cry. We scared them into hiding out, shuddering with weepy eyes and hollow hearts in the dank corner of a broom closet, wishing they could unsee the events pressed upon them. The difference: this abuse cost that pipsqueak but 45 cents, less than half a dollar. It cost the Warriors a chance at repeated postseason glory. It cost the Warriors ... the Warriors.

And it will cost the Lakers the same. See, Los Angeles, you were represented in this playground bully episode by the pipsqueak's friend. You saw the carnage. You saw the tears. You know, deep in the crevices of your soul, that you are next. Sleep well tonight, sleep well tomorrow. This weekend, unicorns and lollipops will cease to exist in your dreams. Devastation awaits, Lakers. Are you ready? Because we are.

<disappears in a burst of flames>

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Hip-Hop, representing the Philadelphia 76ers.

WHOSE KID IS THIS?!? OHMYGOD THIS THING IS TOXIC! Cheeks, help me out man! Rescue me from the nuclear waste! <drops kid> Whew, close one. Almost as close as we were to the sixth seed ...

Can you believe that call?! Attention, league: Don't give LeBron James a post-game high-five, you might get called for a foul on it. I'm surprised 'Dala didn't get hit with a tech for helping "The King" up in the second quarter. I mean, really Stern? You can't hide it a little better than that? If that's going to happen in Game 81, I can't wait to see what you have in store for the Wizards. You might as well remove DeShawn Stevenson's limbs now.

We aren't here to talk about the Cavaliers, though. This is all about 76ERS BASKETBALL! Playoffs, man, playoffs. We're taking about ... the playoffs. We ain't talking about the regular season, we're talking about ... playoffs. (Get it? Get it? LOL) This team is a fine stew Billy King whipped up, and Ed Stefanski came in with one fine move as the garnish. Cap Space has played great for us down the stretch, he's been a solid option off the bench. Future Draft Pick has also been a spark; he's a great chemistry guy, too ... almost no ego. Brilliant master stroke, Stef!

Orlando, Detroit, the Mon*Stars -- we don't care. Bring it on, East. Philly's ready.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Bear, representing the Utah Jazz.

Helloooo ladies. Who said a guy can't have a little fun in the Great Salt Lake? Ask these fine Jazz dancers if a guy can't have a little fun in SLC, amirite?

Damn. Check me out. Man, those protein shakes have been work-ing. I think I'm going to arm-wrestle 'Los. Hey 'Los, let's wrestle!

Carlos Boozer: What?

Bear: Wanna wrestle?

Boozer: ... No.

Bear: ... Ah, alright. ...

Boozer: Ahhh, just kidding buddy! Come here, big hug! Big hug!



Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Orlando's Stuff, apparently a magic dragon who moonlights as a kangaroo boxer.

Get your cod-dammed fist outta my schnoz, Jack! Don't you know who I am? ... No? Oh. Sorry. I'm Stuff, yeoman mascot for the Orlando Magic. Other mascots, you'll notice, are one or maybe two colors. I have twelve shades of fur. Dragons aren't even supposed to have fur! That's just how superlative representatives of the Orlando Magic organization are. Everyone from Stan Van Gundy on down to Dancer Royce ... we're all in it to win it.

Everyone lauged at the Rashard Lewis signing. Ha ha ha! Ha! So funny, huh? "$118 million blah blah overpaid blah blah blah bidding against themselves mwa ha ha." Who's laughing now? You think the Seattle Supersonics are laughing now? (Yes. -- Ed.) Remember how everyone ripped the renouncing of Darko? How'd that work out, Memphis? Having fun with the Darko era? Got a nice little twin-towers thing going with Gasol, eh? Blocking some shots, scoring some hoops there? Stopping opponents in the lane, yeah? Playing a little defense, building for the future? How's that coming? Still working on the blueprint? Still mulling things over? Yeah?

Question The Great Otis Smith at your own peril, b&$@#es.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. The Lakers, because they are freedom-hating commies, do not have a mascot. Therefore, we have asked the de facto mascot of the extended Lakers family to share her thoughts. Enjoy.

Straight up now tell me do you think anyone can beat the Lakers? (No no no.) Showtime's back, baby! The Forum is rockin', the stars (like me!) are out, and everyone's having a good time. I might not rush (rush) to the arena as much as I'd like, but I'm a forever your Lakers girl, and I'll be there this spring when L.A. leaves all the pretenders knocked out.

Our cold-hearted snake is the MVP; his K.O.B.E.ology reigns supreme. (He's got me pumped, in the groove. Yes, I'm in the funky way.) Times were tough since Shaq left, but with Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum we meet the promise of a new day. In the race for home court advantage this weekend, we took two steps forward (the Hornets and Spurs took two steps back). It ain't fiction, just a natural fact: The Los Angeles Lakers are back.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Washington's G-Wiz.

Hey hey hey, kids. G-Wiz, representing D.C. on FanHouse. Representing America's capital. Think about that: I'm the only NBA mascot representing America. You going to root against America, America? I did not think so. If you do root for LeBron, you are a defeatist and you are giving comfort to the enemy. You root against the Wizards, representing the capital city of America, and you had might as well urinate on Lady Liberty or the Big Boy. Shame on you. Shame on you, Cleveland.

Check out how patriotic I am, hand over the chest during the anthem. You know how few mascots show this simplest of respects to our country? You think Lucky can pull himself away from the bottle long enough to show a little respect to the Red, White and Blue? You think Moondog can take two seconds apart from chasing skirts to take his damn hat off and listen to interpretations of our oral national pride? Don't even get me started on that Molson-lovin' dinosaur ... his short arms don't even reach his chest! Moron.

It's clear, America, the Wizards are the only choice this year. Are you going to vote for the same old status quo? Or are you going to embrace change? Vote with your hearts, America ... and when I say hearts I mean your American hearts, that love liberty and freedom and the Washington Wizards. Vote 'Zards 2008, and we will win.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | The Phoenix Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.