FanHouse Bewarethedugoutsofmarch

To recap: when The Dugout set forth to preview every team in baseball, we skipped over the Phillies and Braves. Some of you were disappointed, and I attempted to get cute by previewing the Montreal Expos in response. That's when one of our esteemed commenters got mad [sic]:

you do a dougout on the damn Expos? Where is the Braves 2009 preview? How about the damn world champion Phillies?

you suck

I would like to profusely apologize, and I hope to make it up to you by presenting a sober, informed look at both the Phillies and Braves. You can read it after the jump.

The Blue Jays are one of The Dugout's forgotten teams. It's not intentional, it's just that they're a little thin in the wacky hijinx department.

In fact, I'm not certain that they even exist. How can we know for sure? We can't. As such, the Blue Jays chat room is an immense dark void, populated only by a reflective, curious Cito Gaston. What would happen if gravity suddenly worked in reverse? Is Marco Scutaro really an everyday player at the major league level? The answers to these questions are grasped for in this evening's Dugout, after the jump.

Hey, what do Prince Fielder and American macrobrews have in common? They ain't got no hops.

Hey, what do routine grounders and Alcoholics Anonymous members have in common? They tend to miss Weeks.

Hey, what do the Milwaukee Brewers and beer jokes have in common? They're relevant, but disappointing. Your Brewers Dugout is after the jump.

How times change. Fifty years ago, the Cold War was escalating, and the Soviets were adding to their nuclear stockpile. In 2009, the Reds may start dismantling their arms. Manager Dusty Baker, of course, has a reputation of working pitchers into the ground. It's possible that our perception of him is overblown, and that he does not literally shove pitchers' arms into wood chippers, but given the impressive young pitching talent on the Reds' roster and in their farm system, there's at least anecdotal reason to worry.

Cincinnatians, finish your subway and then read this morning's Dugout, after the jump.

The Astros exceeded expectations last season, but they still have some changes to make if they want the baseball world to see them as a serious contender. First, the bottom half of their tentative rotation (Brian Moehler, Russ Ortiz, the half of Mike Hampton that hasn't crumbled off) is looking pretty dicey. And second, their logo continues to look like that of an Internet service provider. Ever wonder why the cable guy never shows up on time? He's busy playing mediocre baseball in Texas.

Astros fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

As longtime readers of The Dugout are aware, the Royals are one of our pet franchises. We tend to ignore teams like the Astros, mostly because we're too busy writing story arcs about an obscure Royals utility infielder possessing superhuman abilities, or the Royals' owner assuming the role of a contemporary Satan, or the Royals' manager living out of a grocery cart.

Kyle Farnsworth's acquisition certainly does not help with this. Neither does Sidney Ponson's. By the way, I'd like to point out that in the Dugout universe, the Royals captured acquired Ponson months before it happened in real life. Another example of life imitating Dugout. Sidney Ponson is horrible. Today's Dugout is after the jump.

After a disappointing 2008, the Tigers are aiming for a slightly less disappointing, but still disappointing, 2009 season. They just need a focused, distraction-free Spring Training to get back on track. Now if, say, Magglio Ordonez elected to exercise his right to free speech by endorsing a controversial head of state...

Whoops! Political controversy is afoot! Nothing kills a party faster than a layman's political discussion. In fact, it even managed to ruin their Spring Training Dugout, which is after the jump.

The picture to the right deserves a Pulitzer nomination.

Today, The Dugout continues its month-long series of team previews by visiting the Dodgers' team chat room. Perhaps more importantly, we're resurrecting the personality of everyone's favorite Fauknerian man-child Dugout character. Wait, maybe he's the second favorite. Wait, how many Faulknerian man-children does The Dugout have? I'm guessing at least a hundred, but Manny's up there.

Fresh Prince fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout continues to meander through every team in the major leagues, stopping briefly to superficially mock each one. On Tuesday we visited the Rangers and their horrible pitching staff. This time around, we visit the Seattle Mariners and their horrible hitting.

The Mariners disappointed on the field in 2008, and the team responded by firing general manager Bill Bavasi, manager John McLaren, and everyone on Earth who has ever heard of the Mariners. Their most celebrated personnel move, though, has been the re-acquisition of Ken Griffey, Jr. Meanwhile, the team's negotiations with Penny Hardaway and the "Dan vs. Dave" guys continue to progress.

Mariners fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

Every March, The Dugout covers every team in baseball and offers a largely disappointing glimpse of what's to come.

We're kicking things off with the Texas Rangers. Pictured at right, the one-two punch of the 2009 Texas Rangers' rotation: Scott Feldman and a nondescript sheet of drywall. The Rangers possess the worst starting rotation in the history of Mankind. The upside, of course, is that when OPS legend Milton Bradley snaps his ACL in a freak accident, it won't really matter.

Any Rangers fans out there? No? Well, too bad. A Rangers Dugout is after the jump.