FanHouse Cowboycurts

Since learning how much of a misanthropic jerk Lenny Dykstra is capable of being, it's been harder and harder for the public to hold any sympathy for him, even when his plight gets worse and worse. The reluctance is completely justified.

With that said, The Dugout now undertakes the unenviable, and perhaps foolhardy, task of writing Dykstra as a sympathetic figure. Read it after the jump.

The Astros exceeded expectations last season, but they still have some changes to make if they want the baseball world to see them as a serious contender. First, the bottom half of their tentative rotation (Brian Moehler, Russ Ortiz, the half of Mike Hampton that hasn't crumbled off) is looking pretty dicey. And second, their logo continues to look like that of an Internet service provider. Ever wonder why the cable guy never shows up on time? He's busy playing mediocre baseball in Texas.

Astros fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

When I was little, I wanted to be just like Lenny Dykstra. I wanted to work hard, practice every day, and earn the respect of my peers. Wait, no, hold on, I wanted to be just like Cal Ripken, Jr. My friend Kevin from across the street wanted to be just like Lenny Dykstra. He had a mental disease and used to put dirt in his mouth. Yeah, that's right.

Anyway, Lenny was in the news this week because of an unpaid debt here or there, but the real news is that after this dignity nonsense is taken care of, the magazine entreprenuer and car wash mogul Dykstra is planning to expand his empire and pitch an Internet video game to Curt Schilling.

Yeah, I don't know either. I'm just going to copy-paste the transcript of their post-trial period and let you make sense of it. I can barely even look at this guy.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Great, now we're getting to that point in the offseason where every news update is about how the Yankees are "interested in" the big free agents and how some guy from some network interviewed them and they totally said they'd love to play for the Yankees, and on and on and blah blah blah. We've been doing this comic long enough to know the two great truths about the Yankees, and they are presented to you in chatroom form below.

Have the Yankees considered getting new uniforms? It works for everybody else. Maybe they can get a mascot. Make him a vague, shaggy grey thing named "OPS the Dog!"

Tonight's giant-sized Dugout is after the jump.

Pitching wins ball games, right?

If you've got a couple hundred-mil to throw around (or thirteen minor leaguers to trade to Baltimore) you can pick up some real pitching gems this offseason. Unfortunately there is an equal number of belly-itchers, and in the case of Mark Prior, "guys who accidentally cut open their belly with their fingernail and are in need of medical assistance."

Curt Schilling, Mark Prior, and Bartolo Colon are all coping with their injuries and comebacks in different ways. In conclusion, baseball is a land of contrast. After the jump, three All-Star pitchers go into a courtroom, find a note tied to a bird's foot, and cause all kinds of mayhem with a firehose and an improper hat-removal procedure. Or, uh, something.