FanHouse Dick Jauron

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

Consider this hypothetical: what if two coaches met in a dark alley and threw down in a no-holds-barred brawl? Who would emerge victorious?

First, some background: back when I was in high school, when my friends and I were pretty creative in finding ways to avoid actually paying attention in class, we'd create brackets (think NCAA Tournament) where we'd pit our teachers against each other**. Whoever we thought would win in a fight advanced to the next round. It always ended with our offensive line coach against our wrestling coach in the finals and a huge argument as to who would come out on top.

Anyway, last week, the Back Porch staff somehow ended up discussing whether Rex Ryan or Tom Cable would win in a old school playground scrap. I passed along the above information, and shortly after that, an idea was born -- NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament.

Fired a week before the start of the season as the Bills' offensive coordinator, an angry and confused Turk Schonert said the problem in Buffalo was that coach Dick Jauron wanted "a Pop Warner offense" -- an offensive playbook as simple and uncreative as possible, and that Schonert's schemes were too complicated to fit in with Jauron's plan.

Now five weeks in to the season, having committed nine (NINE!) false start penalties Sunday in losing one of the worst offensive games in sports history to the previously winless Browns, the Bills are playing as if to prove Schonert right.

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The season is finally here, and for some coaches, this could be their last year in the league. Or maybe their last few months.

The two coaches with the biggest challenges facing them are Bills coach Dick Jauron and Cowboys coach Wade Phillips.

Jauron fired offensive coordinator Turk Schonert last week in an effort to simplify the offense and to give his players a chance to relax. A source said Schonert was aloof and rubbed several players the wrong way. Alex Van Pelt, the new offensive coordinator, and running backs coach Eric Studesville are both well liked and respected in the locker room.

For an NFL coach, the final week of the preseason is a time to tinker. To take care of your nagging little housekeeping items. You watch the borderline guys battle it out on special teams and you make your final roster decisions. You pick a No. 3 quarterback. You catch up on the last couple of episodes of "Hard Knocks." You fire your offensive coordinator.

Wait. What?

Training camps have wrapped up, the NFL season is right around the corner, and it's still hot as sin outside. But instead of cooling you off with a warm island song, FanHouse break out ye old heat check for our 2009 NFL Season Previews. " We'll rate each club in 5 categories on a scale of 1 to 10, high score wins.

Offense -- It's almost impossible to decide how this team will perform in 2009. I have high hopes for Trent Edwards, being that he's a Stanford man and all, and frankly, I can't shake the feeling that Terrell Owens is going to return Lee Evans to superstar mode this coming season. After all, teams have to cover Owens, even if he's getting older and could be hurt half the time; with a second-string CB manning up on Evans as he streaks down the sidelines, well, I like his chances. In terms of running the ball, you also have to think that Marshawn Lynch's three-week absence because of suspension is going to hurt the Bills ... until you realize that Fred Jackson will be highly motivated and might just come out gangbusters to start the season. Which means that Dick Jauron will probably just give the carries to Dominic Rhodes. Heat Index: 5

As far as the United States Justice system is concerned, Michael Vick has served his debt to society. He spent the last 19 months in the clink, and now he's kicking it in his mansion. The terms of his probation stipulate that he get a job (his construction gig starts next week) and remain under house arrest when he's not wearing a hard hat.

But there will come a time when he seeks to return to the NFL. The first order of business is getting commissioner Roger Goodell to reinstate him, and then finding a club interested in his services. The former will be tougher than the latter, although neither appear insurmountable.

Not that you asked, but...

...Only the Lions could find themselves in this position -- owners of the No. 1 overall pick in a year when neither they nor anybody else really wants it. It's such a Lion position in which to be. The consensus is that there's no Orlando Pace in this draft -- no clear-cut, impact, franchise-changing No. 1. And the Lions need so much help that they'd love to trade down and get three or four useful players instead of one. But since nobody else seems to know who they'd take if they traded places with the Lions, nobody's lining up to do it.

Personally, having watched a lot of college football last year, I'm an Aaron Curry guy. For me, he's the guy Mike Ditka would be trading his whole draft and putting on a wedding dress for if Ditka were still in charge somewhere. He's the all-around game-changer type in this year's draft. But since he's not a quarterback or a mountainous offensive lineman -- not necessarily a guy who'd even be on the field on third down -- nobody feels like they want to spend the top pick on him. Fair enough, I guess. Seems to me he's athletic enough to do whatever they'd need, but they know better than I do.