Brett Favre, seen here speaking with his agent, can no longer be rightly described as a polarizing figure in the baseball world. Nearly everyone is weary of his habitual false retirements and underwhelming comebacks. Yet again, though, Favre finds himself unable to walk away from baseball. Today, he announced that he will come out of retirement to play for Minnesota.
Whether the Twins will benefit from his comeback remains to be seen. Today's Dugout is after the jump.
Here is everything you need to know about Minnesota: they have the biggest mall on Earth, it is negative thirty-eight degrees in the middle of July, nobody would ever want to go there, and their baseball team is next up for the AL Central leg of our The Dugout Spring Training Event.
We started it off yesterday with the Detroit Tigers, so give that a read if you haven't yet. And check back tomorrow when we cover the Royals and the White Sox, and it's all really biased because I am an Indians fan, and the closest I will come to "winning" is insulting people anonymously on the Internet.
What does this mean for the Twins? Obviously it means "we are trying to do something to light a fire under Delmon's ass so he stops playing defense like that." It could also mean Delmon being traded, hopefully to the Nationals, because that would be really hilarious and awesome.
As a blogger with no real job, I spend most of my day loading and refreshing FanHouse, looking for something to write about. Imagine my shock and dismay yesterday upon seeing Tom Fornelli's report that Jane Austen invented the game of baseball.
Frankly, this changes everything. From now on I'm going to start writing Dugouts in the spirit of which the game itself was created. I'm going to wear a hat in the style of Abraham Lincoln to my next pick-up game, and I'm going to film at least six new innings for Ken Burns' Baseball to be played before the program that feature men and women about to play baseball, but handicapped by their inability to tell the opposing side whether their runner was safe or out.
If you're old enough to read this, you're old enough to not go trick-or-treating. You are permitted to go to a friend's hipster Halloween party ironically dressed as George Michael from WHAM! (or, if you're a woman, George Michael from WHAM!), but under no circumstances are you to go door-to-door with your nonsense.
Now that this is established, please enjoy this Dugout about adults trick-or-treating. It's after the jump.
This morning, Mr. Lackey touched on the self-canceling nature of Frank Caliendo's apology. For the second consecutive baseball postseason, Frank TV commercials have carped-bombed the baseball-watching experience, and Caliendo expresses remorse. In the same breath, though, he suggests that it wouldn't be advertised so much if the ratings were higher.
Math time. I think it's fair to say that Frank TV gets twenty thirty-second slots per game. Multiply that by, say, four games you might watch in a week on TBS. From commercials alone, that's 40 minutes of Frank TV. Nearly two episodes' worth. I believe we have already paid our Caliendo tax, sir.
Regardless, he is capable of the occasional funny impression, so I have allowed him to perform today's Dugout! It's after the jump.
A great topic for the next session of the SpeculationStation: Exactly how famous do you have to be to get upset when somebody doesn't recognize you? And once you've reached that level of fame, how famous do you have to be until only other famous people will do?
Some baseball guy named Larry Jones tries to sympathize with the greatest all-around sports hero of his generation in today's Dugout, after the jump.
Major League Baseball has made intelligent, progressive decisions in the past (night games, racial integration, not ever letting Pete Rose do anything ever). The decisions to name Gatorade the official sports drink of Major League Baseball and to allow no player in the dugout (or The Dugout) to be seen drinking anything BUT Gatorade are perhaps baseball's greatest. Sugar water that tastes like Kool-Aid if you put too much water in it is sure to enhance the natural performance of a guy like Da Meat Hook.
What's next? Today's Dugout looks into the not-so-distant future to see where baseball refreshment is headed. Spoiler alert: It is headed to somewhere where they'd let Dmitri and Delmon Young be in commercials for children. After the jump, a commercial full of stars using words full of stars!
A couple of warnings and advisories about today's Spring Training Dugout:
It does not feature Bill Pecota
It's about the Twins, but cannot possibly be about every avenue of Twins fandom and lore so if we didn't get to your favorite aspect of the team this time around don't worry, we've got like 600 days left in the season and only 400 of those can be about the Yankees
Today's Dugout features adult language, largely obscured by shift-8, but if you're reading these outloud to your kid or whatever please consider reading to them from Zubazpants.com
A couple of weeks ago our very own "Mullet" (Dugout SN: MulletOver) took a break from being an ironic memory of times passed to report about Carl Crawford having beef with Delmon Young and saying word from across the country. Today's Dugout (after the jump ((don't hurt yourself)) ) takes place just as Carl Crawford has reported to his spring training, but before Delmon Young has reported to his.
Starting today, The Dugout will be updating seven days a week rather than five. That's 1.4 times the fun, 1.4 times the athletes irresponsibly slandered!
Today's Dugout, after the jump, doesn't really ask for much preface. I'd just like to say that with Johan Santana gone, the Twins will have to fill the gap in their rotation. Time to let Sidney Ponson out of his cage!
Brett Favre, seen here speaking with his agent, can no longer be rightly described as a polarizing figure in the baseball world. Nearly everyone is weary of his habitual false retirements and underwhelming comebacks. Yet again, though, Favre finds himself unable to walk away from baseball. Today, he announced that he will come out of retirement to play for Minnesota.
Here is everything you need to know about Minnesota: they have the biggest mall on Earth, it is negative thirty-eight degrees in the middle of July, nobody would ever want to go there, and their baseball team is next up for the AL Central leg of our The Dugout Spring Training Event. 
All Twins, all the time! We just started covering the Twins again recently, and here comes the news that Ron Gardenhire has his outfield for next year and it does not include Delmon Young, the young star famous for throwing a bat at somebody and for helping assault the same woman like 200 times over the last few years of our online comic. 
As a blogger with no real job, I spend most of my day loading and refreshing FanHouse, looking for something to write about. Imagine my shock and dismay yesterday upon seeing Tom Fornelli's report that Jane Austen invented the game of baseball.
If you're old enough to read this, you're old enough to not go trick-or-treating. You are permitted to go to a friend's hipster Halloween party ironically dressed as George Michael from WHAM! (or, if you're a woman, George Michael from WHAM!), but under no circumstances are you to go door-to-door with your nonsense.
This morning, Mr. Lackey touched on the self-canceling nature of Frank Caliendo's apology. For the second consecutive baseball postseason, Frank TV commercials have carped-bombed the baseball-watching experience, and Caliendo expresses remorse. In the same breath, though, he suggests that it wouldn't be advertised so much if the ratings were higher.
Major League Baseball has made intelligent, progressive decisions in the past (night games, racial integration, not ever letting Pete Rose do anything ever). The decisions to name Gatorade the official sports drink of Major League Baseball and to allow no player in the dugout (or The Dugout) to be seen drinking anything BUT Gatorade are perhaps baseball's greatest. Sugar water that tastes like Kool-Aid if you put too much water in it is sure to enhance the natural performance of a guy like Da Meat Hook. 
A couple of warnings and advisories about today's Spring Training Dugout:
Starting today, The Dugout will be updating seven days a week rather than five. That's 1.4 times the fun, 1.4 times the athletes irresponsibly slandered!
