FanHouse Elijah_price

I've been trying to put together something on Adrian Beltre's horrifying testicular injury for days now. My original effort was the result of me turning on caps lock, banging the keyboard with my fists, staring at the ceiling, and screaming. It was probably the most honest thing I've ever written, but it was kind of a long read, so I scrapped it.

In its place, today's Dugout is after the jump.

Ichiro Suzuki extended his hitting streak to 24 games tonight, so I thought "hey, maybe I should do a Mariners Dugout" and went to their homepage. I was greeted by images of the Mariners pointing at me, announcing that they want ME to vote "Mariners" in the 2009 All-Star Game. Always one to please, I opened up my ballot, wrote "Mariners" in for second base, and submitted it.

To save you the unnecessary confrontation of that, tonight's late night Dugout includes everything you need to know about the Seattle Mariners going into the All-Star Game: Ichiro is good at hitting, Ken Griffey Jr. plays there, and Jay Buhner is retired. I think?

The Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout continues to meander through every team in the major leagues, stopping briefly to superficially mock each one. On Tuesday we visited the Rangers and their horrible pitching staff. This time around, we visit the Seattle Mariners and their horrible hitting.

The Mariners disappointed on the field in 2008, and the team responded by firing general manager Bill Bavasi, manager John McLaren, and everyone on Earth who has ever heard of the Mariners. Their most celebrated personnel move, though, has been the re-acquisition of Ken Griffey, Jr. Meanwhile, the team's negotiations with Penny Hardaway and the "Dan vs. Dave" guys continue to progress.

Mariners fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

This photo was taken Wednesday. Upon signing with the Mariners, Ken Griffey, Jr. instantly manifested as his twenty-year-old self, grew his old "Carlton from Fresh Prince" moustache, and donned a baseball cap that looks as though it were first worn by a giant Lego man.

Griffey, a childhood hero of every twentysomething baseball fan, re-joined the team we've always associated him with, and did so after taking the advice of the great Willie Mays. I'm a Braves fan, and in the face of all this storybook nonsense, I can't really muster much disappointment. It's going to be great. Griffey will hit 53 home runs this year. This evening's Dugout is after the jump.

Four days ago, I wrote this:

"It isn't certain, but the 2008 White Sox are probably done. It's tough to feel too bad for a team that won the World Series three years ago, but it's easy to feel bad for Ken Griffey, Jr. and Jim Thome."

At least once a year, baseball takes me from concrete and pragmatic to dumb and happy. This was that.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

It isn't certain, but the 2008 White Sox are probably done. It's tough to feel too bad for a team that won the World Series three years ago, but it's easy to feel bad for Ken Griffey, Jr. and Jim Thome.

Thome has twice come close to a Series ring. Griffey hasn't. I'm not sure which is worse. Of course, individually speaking, the World Series isn't a recognition of merit so much as a fulfilling and momentous experience, so we can't really call it a crime if these guys never win a championship. Maybe it's just a bummer.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

Ozzie Guillen doesn't end. He just goes on and on, my friend. Some people started interviewing him not knowing who he was, and they'll continue interviewing forever just because Ozzie Guillen doesn't end. He just goes on and on, my friend. Some people started interviewing him not knowing who he was, and they'll continue interviewing forever just becau-

Supporting the White Sox is a lot like being Luke Wilson's character from Idiocracy. It's a righteous cause, but more often than not you're left wandering around thinking they're all dumb****s.

Tonight's Dugged-out is after the jump.

(If you haven't seen The Dugout's answer to today's Manny trade, check it out here.)

This was already quoted here, but our own Craig Calcaterra reflected upon today's Griffey trade with, "Wow, with his bat between Albert Belle's and Frank Thomas', the White Sox should really make some noise!"

It made me laugh, but it also pointed to a greater truth: no matter how unimpressive Ken Griffey, Junior's numbers become, and no matter how long he sticks around, he will always be big news when he's traded. Frank Thomas is still around, but has become a different player for several reasons. Juan Gonzalez and Jeff Bagwell are long gone. But we see Griffey and we still immediately think of the bad guy from Little Big League. He's a relic that brings us back to a younger time.

A younger time that features Frank Viola, Chris Sabo, Howard Johnson, and Mike Bielecki. Tonight's second Dugout is after the jump.

Prerequisite: BlackDraft™ Part 1

The ESPN ticker for the mock Negro Leagues draft as it stands:

Round 1

1. New York Yankees - Cool Papa Bell (CF)
2. Washington Nationals - a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, which are pretty much the worst kind of Dorito
3. Chicago White Sox - Buck O'Neil (1B)
4. Boston Red Sox - David Ortiz (DH)
5. New York Yankees - Manny Ramirez (LF)

Upcoming picks

6. Cincinnati Reds
7. Detroit Tigers
8. Kansas City Royals
9. New York Yankees
10. New York Yankees again

Round 1 continues, after the jump.

Yesterday, we learned that Ken Griffey paid off his debt to Josh Fogg in American pennies. Maybe Griffey lost a bet. "Hey, Ken! I bet you won't lug $1500 in pennies into my locker to pay off a bet (the one I am currently proposing to you right now)!" That's right. A nested, self-swallowing bet.

Sorry, didn't mean to make your head explode.

On the bright side, your face might be on a penny someday!

Okay, I'm done. Today's Dugout is after the jump.