FanHouse Goldbonds

An important thing to remember: when you read a news blog about an event or skim through the transcript of a player talking to a beat reporter, do not consider what you've learned canon until it has been expressed via the Official Online Chatroom of Major League Baseball. This is the only place in the known world to get accurate news. I logged on to CNN.com a minute ago and it was nothing but pictures of Lady Gaga's butt. TELL ME ABOUT THE SWINE FLU.

Swine flu is after the jump.

In conclusion, the San Francisco Giants are a team that can be compared and contrasted. The end.

Wait, I have to write more, don't I.

After plowing through the AL West last week, the annual The Dugout Spring Training event moves on to the NL West, where teams get fired up to race passionately toward the pennant and become the latest, most interesting team to have absolutely no chance of winning the World Series. It is recommended that you watch this video before continuing. That way you're fully aware of what I'm talking about, and this Dugout doesn't seem like some kind of esoteric Blade Runner parody.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Surprisingly enough, tonight's Dugout is not a parody of Watchmen! It's about how a lady is going to testify that she watched trainer Greg Anderson inject Barry Bonds with steroids, thereby proving that he purjured himself in a court of law and must be sentenced to imprisonment. Commissioner Bud Selig has gone as far to say that he'll suspend Bonds for a few games during the 2009 season! This story keeps getting crazier and crazier, folks!

Oh, and before I forget, I couldn't for the life of me find a picture of alleged butt-watcher Kathy Hoskins, so portraying her in tonight's strip will be Cathy from the Cathy comics.

In case you have not been reading for the last year, the Dugout part of The Dugout can be found after the jump!

If we haven't talked about Manny Ramirez enough in our five years of logging AIM chats across the Internet, we're about to do it again; the baseball season is about to start and Car Man-Ram doesn't have a team. One of the reasons for this is the inflated free agent market, and the increasing number of teams focusing on bolstering their benches and bullpen. Another reason Manny doesn't have a team is because his agent is the devil and everyone hates him.

I don't care if he's a goofball. I want to formally extend my offer to Manny Ramirez. I will give you every dollar I make from now until your retirement if you go play for the San Diego Surfing Dogs and I never have to hear about you or how much money you don't want to make again.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. You ... jerk.

The Giants hired ex-great Will Clark to a "special assistant" position yesterday. If you're a "special assistant," you might be a contract killer or Kenneth from 30 Rock or anything in between, but one thing you are not is Barry Bonds.

But don't feel bad for Bonds! He's keeping busy these days by being tossed about in a growing sea of evidence against him. This evening's Dugout is after the jump.

Have you voted yet today? The Dugout urges you to participate in your democracy and make your voice heard. In the meantime, please enjoy today's Dugout, after the jump.

Have you voted yet today? The Dugout urges you to participate in your democracy and make your voice heard. In the meantime, please enjoy today's Dugout, after the jump.

Have you voted yet today? The Dugout urges you to participate in your democracy and make your voice heard. In the meantime, please enjoy today's Dugout, after the jump.

Have you voted yet today? The Dugout urges you to participate in your democracy and make your voice heard. In the meantime, please enjoy today's Dugout, after the jump.

Have you v

What's great is that that guy on the right can reuse his sign if it doesn't snow in Philadelphia until January. Why did he draw snowflakes in the corners? Did he need to fill the negative space that badly? Maybe this is his 756th sign and there was a problem.

In case you did not read part 1 and are unable to scroll your browser down slightly, tonight's Dugout is a two-parter that seeks to celebrate the accomplishment that is winning a World Series and condemn any team that did not win said Series as a "bad team." Maybe it's the Cleveland sports fan in me. If you made it to the World Series and won 1 game your season has ended in SHAME and MISERY for all who support you! Sign Mark Teixeira and call me when it's next September!

Wait, what am I typing again? Part 2 actually contains an undercurrent of "yay Phillies" while maintaining that "uh oh, everyone else" thing I've been bred to feel. Part 2 of 2 is after the jump.

Headline: COLLUSION!

Barry Bonds is being kept out of baseball, and nobody can understand why. The fans don't understand. They want to see Barry hit the homers! The owners don't understand. Who wouldn't want a great player like Barry Bonds on their team? He has hit so many home runs! The MLBPA doesn't understand. Barry is a loving, pleasant man who brings smiles to faces wherever he goes. So what can it be?

Barry and his agent attempt to figure it all out in today's Dugout, after the jump.

One of the longest running complaints about the Dugout is that we don't cover your favorite team (assuming that your favorite team isn't the Yankees, the Red Sox, or whoever Farnsworth plays for). This happens a lot with the Pirates and the Mariners. It occasionally happens with the Giants, and it almost always comes with these two talking points:

1) You never say anything nice about the Giants
2) Barry Bonds is not the only person who plays for the Giants

These are both true. To remedy that, tonight's Dugout deals with the oncoming managing general partnership of William "Bill" Neukom, president of the American Bar Association from 2007 to 2008 and president of the American Honky Tonk Bar Association from 1993-present. It says a lot of nice things about the Giants and has nothing to do with Barry Bonds.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump (haven't you learned this by now).

Prerequisites:

Mark McGwire Is Here To Talk About The Future

Mark McGwire Is Here To Talk About The Future II Part 1

Make sure to read those before continuing on to part 2 of tonight's Dugout, unless you want it to make even less sense than it does to me.

In part 2: Mark McGwire can now ONLY talk about the past, we get the return of a couple of G1 characters (one of whom is a sweet mode of transportation), and at last the true form of PECOTA is revealed. Leave us some comments, enjoy the lore, and be here for the start of the biggest sci-fi epic of the summer. Which is, uh, almost over.

Part 2, after the jump.