FanHouse Jay Paterno

In the first installment of the end-of-season report card on the Big Ten, we looked at the schools in the first half of the alphabet. Know what letter is in the first half of the alphabet? That's right. F. But then, all the other grade letters are in the first half of the alphabet too.

Even though it wasn't a great year overall for the conference, there were plenty of bright points and hopeful signs and "wait until next year" moments which should have Big Ten fans excited for next season. Either that, or we'll all look like Charlie Brown did five seconds after Lucy teed up the football. But I digress. Let's take a look at the teams in the second drawer of the Big Ten file cabinet, shall we?

Every Thursday, Pickin' on the Big Ten breaks down action across the conference.

ABOVE: A rare photograph of a Michigan player holding on to a football somewhat securely.

Conference play finally starts this weekend, which should bring a temporary halt to the chorus of "... but they haven't played anybody yet" coming from all corners of the college football universe. With the real games ready to start, let's take a look back at some notable accomplishments in the non-conference season.

Best win: Wisconsin over Fresno State, though I imagine Minnesota's beatdown of Florida Atlantic felt pretty good after what happened last season.

Worst loss: Notre Dame over Michigan. Yeah, OSU lost by more points and looked bad doing it, but at least the Buckeyes lost to a good team.

Worst win: Ohio State over Ohio, a sloppy game which told us the Bucks had no chance against USC the following week.

Best loss: California over Michigan State, thanks to some last-second Cal heroics. Would be Oregon over Purdue, if only the Ducks hadn't lost to Boise State.

Most improved team: Minnesota, which apparently has discovered the importance of putting up at least a token defense.

Puking up pastry: Indiana, who had two seemingly impressive wins over Western Kentucky and Murray State nullified by a Lehman Brothers-like meltdown against Ball State. And speaking of those Hoosiers ...

Since the Feds have taken over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, you can expect sheer unmitigated chaos in the markets Monday morning. I can't help you with real investment advice, but I can help you find some of the buys, sells, and holds in Big Ten football after two weeks.

Right now I'm making Penn State's Spread HD offense a strong buy. Last season PSU fans would've traded Jay Paterno for some pocket lint and half a Twix bar, but the early returns on his new boy-wonder offense are quite promising indeed. Sure, it helps that the defense is playing out of its heads and didn't miss two suspended starters on the defensive line one bit against Oregon State (yes, yes, I know, I was wrong; it's not like it's the first time), but the offense has been nothing short of brilliant so far. With their next two games against Syracuse and Temple, look for big gaudy offensive numbers and lots of hype heading into the September 27 game with Illinois. And, the way the Illini defense has played so far, they might well have gaudy numbers after that game, too. It might take until October 11th's Wisconsin game to know if the Spread HD is just a dog-and-pony show, but for now, it looks like the real deal. You want in on the ground floor of this one.

In the video below, the Democratic Presidential candidate refers to the school nickname as the "Nittaly Lions". Good thing he's not running for public office or anything.

The program's head coach who leans right might take offense, but then there's his son and quarterbacks coach who enjoys blogging about his love for Barack Obama on company time to find sympathy from. Regardless, it's friendly and forgiving political turf.

Not that he needs any excuses, but it's been a long campaign and these mistakes happen to all the candidates, although this one does call back a bit to John Kerry's "Lambert Field" error in Wisconsin. The difference of course being Obama comes across as an actual athlete and sports fan instead of playing one for the cameras.

See the gaffe for yourself below.

(Via: The Swamp)

As part of our College Football preview series, we've been lucky enough to peek into the world of the JoePa Chronicles, where Fake Joe Paterno regales us and those around him with tales of football history, international intrigue, and that one weird story where he probably confused Ki-Jana Carter with Jimmy Carter. Fake JoePa also has lots to say about the upcoming season, and today he talks about the Big Ten.

AND THAT IS HOW LASSIE ACQUIRED THE CANINE AIDS
Just for saving a little red-headed boy? That hardly seems
NOT JUST ANY REDHEAD, A KNOWN IRISH
Whatever. Can I go home now? It's like 8 and all you've done since lunch is watch TV.
THIS IS FILM STUDIES, WE HAD A VERY INCONSISTENT YEAR LAST YEAR
No, it's not. It's the first season of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. And I think you know that because you've been singing along to the theme song even when it's not playing.
GO GO NOW A DANGER
I'm leaving.
GO GO COWS IN MANGERS

It seems every paper in Pennsylvania has a reporter dedicated to scouring the seven seas for information about Joe Paterno's pending retirement: is it pending? Like... how pending? Are we talking "imminent" or "his dessicated bones will still lord over us when it's Planet of the Apes time?" And who will they hire? Schiano? Al Golden? Bender?

No one knows. Except maybe these guys:

Players recruited by the Nittany Lions are being assured that when Paterno retires, his replacement will come from the current coaching staff rather than an outside hire.

''Mr. Paterno told me himself that his replacement is already within the staff, so he'll just bring one new guy in and bump everybody up in the ranks,'' linebacker Mike Yancich from Washington, Pa., said.

Any reasonable observer must therefore conclude that the job will go to defensive coordinator Tom Bradley, and outpost of competence amongst-

What about me?

Find out after the jump.

JUNIOR, COME DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT

No!

YOUR MEAL WILL GET COLD, AND THAT WILL MAKE YOU EVEN MORE UNPLEASANT THAN USUAL. WHY ARE YOU STILL UPSTAIRS

I'm on the internet. I have important business to take care of.

YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE KEEPING US WAITING SO YOU MAY WETHUMP YOUR OWN HAND. I HAVE BEEN ON THE INTERNET AND I DO NOT LIKE IT

THERE WAS ONE WEBSITE WITH TWO GIRLS THAT APPEARED TO HAVE THE WORST OF GASTROINTESTINAL PROBLEMS

GOD BLESS THEM, THOUGH, THEY SEEMED TO BE WORKING THROUGH THEIR TROUBLES TOGETHER

That apple fell far from the tree, politically. And, perhaps, in overall football competence.

So anyway, Penn State quarterback coach Jay Peterno spends some of his workday hours blogging in support of Barack Obama. I'm not here to judge but it seems an unusual use of office time for someone basically credited with the disastrous Penn State quarterback situation the last few years. And of course, Penn State fans are letting him hear about it.

By Joe Eb from York, PA Jun 20th 2008 at 9:52 am EDT And Jay you should be worrying about the offense of a college football team that has a LOT of questions, not blogging about Obama.

By Jay Paterno Jun 20th 2008 at 10:02 am EDT For your information our offense was #1 in the Big Ten last year in the only two categories that we really look at: the key situations of Red Zone and Third Downs (and to a lesser extent 4th downs where we ranked #7 in the nation).

Yeah. Read the whole thing for inevitable comment deletions, "Zach Mills" never-ending arguments and other hilarity.