FanHouse Ladycop

Jon was supposed to cover the Diamondbacks yesterday to close out our Spring preview of the NL West, but he got busy and I will be taking over today. I know you were expecting something wacky and facetious, but this is the Diamondbacks, and Arizona is a franchise deserving only the most reserved, tactful perspective. My original idea was to cover all of the new faces in the ballpark this year and the ramifications of agism and maturity in baseball, but then I remembered that D. Baxter the Bobcat was arrested for DUI and all I could type was "lol" with a bunch of o's in the middle. As a Cleveland resident, I eagerly await the story about Slider punching a woman in the face.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

All Twins, all the time! We just started covering the Twins again recently, and here comes the news that Ron Gardenhire has his outfield for next year and it does not include Delmon Young, the young star famous for throwing a bat at somebody and for helping assault the same woman like 200 times over the last few years of our online comic.

What does this mean for the Twins? Obviously it means "we are trying to do something to light a fire under Delmon's ass so he stops playing defense like that." It could also mean Delmon being traded, hopefully to the Nationals, because that would be really hilarious and awesome.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Donk.

As a blogger with no real job, I spend most of my day loading and refreshing FanHouse, looking for something to write about. Imagine my shock and dismay yesterday upon seeing Tom Fornelli's report that Jane Austen invented the game of baseball.

Frankly, this changes everything. From now on I'm going to start writing Dugouts in the spirit of which the game itself was created. I'm going to wear a hat in the style of Abraham Lincoln to my next pick-up game, and I'm going to film at least six new innings for Ken Burns' Baseball to be played before the program that feature men and women about to play baseball, but handicapped by their inability to tell the opposing side whether their runner was safe or out.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

Warning: The following video and Dugout contain adult language (mostly censored), so read/watch at your own risk.

Sometimes we're contractually obligated to cover a story. bud_is_wiser sends me an IM saying "okay I set it all up for you, just copy and paste it into Blogsmith."

In case you didn't see it earlier,



Being a normal human being who hates the Yankees and the Red Sox I really don't care what happens to their fans, but when I click a YouTube video and see the combined will of Carl and Harriet Winslow grabbing a lady by her hair at Yankee Stadium I go "oh, ha" and here we are. The original plot of tonight's Dugout involved Ted Jones, but srsly lol who cares about todd jones.

Tonight's end of Summer Dugz is after the jump.

A few days ago, our Baseball is Boring Buddy Tom Fornelli (Dugout SN: StLunaticsRapFornelli) reported on Alberto Callaspo's collapse-o in Kansas City. It turns out he was busted for DUI and put on the disabled list for "evaluation and treatment of an undisclosed medical condition," the Major League Baseball equivalent of Hollywood's "severe exhaustion," which basically just means that he's an adult acting like a stupid idiot and is an eff-up. The worst thing is that it happens as the Royals climb out of the cellar for the first time since... well God, are any of us old enough to remember that?

What we bring you today is the police report of the DUI bust, which, as you may have guessed, did not go as planned. It didn't involve Alberto Callaspo going over to, say, Bono's house and getting busted for gay drug bongo sex and having his wife leave him for, oh, let's say Matthew Sweet or anything, but I mean I guess it's fairly interesting.

After the jump, the dark story behind Alberto's Last Gasp-o... and a look at the sinister forces that could be lurking in the shadows to keep the Royals down.

We're a little late on the Spring Dugz tonight (consider it "Autumn Dugz") and the topic isn't technically the St. Louis Cardinals, but we can never resist these baseball noir, or any chance to give a guest appearance to our most successful and longest-running NPC the Lady Cop. Not since the woman ran out a grits have we needed her so badly.

Scott Spiezio. What else can be said? The guy is a grade-A douchebag and deserves every bad thing that comes to him. I hope he gets the help he needs in real life as much as anybody else, but moreso I hope he gets all the kicks to the ass he needs in real life. I wish there was some sort of futuristic cyborg LadyCop who could choke back.

After the jump: not a heck of a lot about training during Spring. But hey.

lol look at him go

I know he was kidding, but when the commissioner of Major League Baseball says he's going to jack his wife for interrupting him you've got to say SOMETHING. I wasn't sure what to say, so presented in today's Dugout are three conflicting stories regarding what happened when Bud went home and delivered on his promise. I consider all three stories canon, so in the future please remember that Bud Selig has three wives and a retired, African-American mentor.

Bud gets kicked in the crotch, no-sells it, and pimpslaps The Dugout after the jump.

We all knew Delmon Young would reach the major leagues someday. Well last night the Minnesota Twins made it a reality, dealing away Matt Garza and others to get him.

Today's Dugout, after the jump, examines the intricacies of the trade and what it might mean for both teams. Just kidding, it's about Delmon Young beating the holy hell out of people. And in case you wonder: yes, it's the second reference to Fargo we've made in the last week.