FanHouse Landphill

As you may have read yesterday, Jim Thome was awarded to the Los Angeles Dodgers like so much sassy Sapphire, reuniting him with former Indians teammate Manny Ramirez. In the Dugout universe (which is the real universe, because we are somehow still convincing people that these are legitimate transcripts) this is big news, and in yesterday's episode the two realistically-portrayed superstars took off across the country on a bicycle built for two to rebuild the 1997 Cleveland Indians in 2009 Los Angeles and reclaim the World Series ring that was rightfully theirs.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Part 2 is after the jump.

The State Farm Home Run Derby is tonight, and hometown favorite Albert Pujols looks to be the front runner for longball glory. But don't forget about dark horse candidates like Detroit Tigers slugger Brandon Inge, who has hit 21 dingers already this season and has played every position including "coach." Personally, I think Inge could sneak in and ... wait, the Home Run Derby happened last night? What happened, who won? Did... oh.

This afternoon's Dugout is after the jump. Ughhh, look at that guy.

Tonight's Dugout represents a coming-together of every important Chicago-area story of the 2008-2009 offseason. If you click the jump to read more, you will learn why Lou Piniella and Ozzie Guillen have been having trouble on the telephone and why Lou Piniella hates Steve Phillips, and ultimately you will learn what is wrong with the United States of America. (spoiler alert, it is the democrats!)

Please to continue.

The people at ESPN know what they're talking about. I'm pretty sure Peter Gammons knows more about baseball than anybody else in the world knows about anything else in the world. If you put his baseball knowledge end-to-end it would reach Jupiter. But as I get older I become more and more aware of what ESPN is doing with their sports coverage. I hear them regularly condescend on bloggers and then do exactly what bloggers do - report the news, and make sure to unnecessarily editorialize everything you can.

So when I use my "blog" here to equate Baseball Tonight's editorialized, non-news related commentary to chimps hurling dung at each other and then screaming at their food, please understand that I'm only doing it because of my place in life and the hopelessness of my chosen profession. Without ESPN I wouldn't have known about the last 25 years of my nation's home runs.

After the jump, today's Dugout watches Baseball Tonight, makes a sound like "blergh," and then runs to its computer to anonymously put them in their place.

LeBron James knows better than any of us: There is no way the Cleveland Indians can overcome the dynastic onslaught of the New York Yankees. I mean, even if we win all of the games they're still moving on in the playoffs, and everyone in Cleveland will have to go back to watching Drew Carey and dying in the burning river or whatever it is we do here.

I, for one, support our new ant overlords. More after the jump.