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Whoever was just hired as the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, raise your hand. All right, you in the suit. Tell us how you got the job. What? You don't want to talk about it? Hey that seems pretty weird!

Yes, 2010 will see the return of shadowy figure Mark McGwire to Major League Baseball. He should use his influence to get the Cards to sign Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds to coaching deals as well, and everyone in St. Louis can root for a ball club instructed by the Monstars.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

Over the last few months, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa has been involved in a complicated legal matter with social networking site Twitter over the unauthorized use of his name and person for a parody, kinda-sorta identity thieving Tony La Russa Twitter page. Now that the matter has been settled, it is safe for us to write about without Tom Nieto (or whoever) rushing to his legal team to protest the idea that he once dropped a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the ground outside of a Radio Shack.

This afternoon's Dugout is @ the jump.

My first thought when I read that Khalil Greene went on the disabled list with "extreme butterflies," where his highs are too high and his lows are too low, was to laugh. My second thought, a few moments later, was "oh man, this guy is exactly like me."

So this Dugout took a few different forms. At first it was Khalil Greene being followed around by a little black raincloud that struck him with lightning from time to time. Then it was about him in high school, giving himself ulcers worrying about second year Spanish. Then it was about him in the future talking to his grandson about the anxieties of baseball, but I scrapped that because who would think THAT was a good idea.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Now that the other giant picture of Albert Pujols has fallen back several pages, it is safe for me to repost this classic photo depicting Albert appropriating both the George Gervin finger roll and Michael Jordan tongue wag. Is there anything this man can't do? No, there isn't. I mean, unless "having an acurate birth certificate" is a thing.

Last year's Spring Training Dugout for the Cardinals caused a bit of controversy when I chose to be preachy and somewhat dated instead of doing what I usually do, which is "read comic books, then write off the top of my head." I assure you, the problem has been remedied.

Today's Spring Dugz Dugout is after the jump.

Special note for Fanhouse regulars: Today's Dugout is taken from a story that happened a few days ago, so if you're the type who can only process immediately new information please direct your attention to whatever shows up above this posting.

Now! Earlier this week we learned an important lesson: If Albert Pujols hits a line drive into the middle of your face and it not only doesn't kill you, but you can wake up the next morning without any mental retardation, you are immortal. Chris Young should throw himself off the side of a building to see if it stuck, and if it did, he should use his newfound powers to fight crime in the old city. Oh, and as a secondary note, if you SEE Pujols hit a line drive that hits somebody in the middle of the face, don't stand in front of him when he's trying to run. It's not going to end well for you. Just move out of the way. You might get the business from your teammates or booed by the fans, but at least you'll be able to move around for the next eight weeks.

After the jump, old news and its new lessons.

Leave Rick Ankiel alone!

LEAVE HIM ALOWWNNNN

But seriously, I don't think Rick Ankiel is a bad guy. The argument of "HGH wasn't illegal when _____ was using it" is a flawed one, because "steroids" in so many words have been illegal for decades. If it looks like a steroid and walks like a steroid, you know? If somebody comes up to you and says "this pill/powder makes you bigger and better at sports" you should probably not take it unless you are okay with doing steroids.

That being said, that guy sure did mess up a great story, didn't he? TALES FROM THE INTERNET, after the jump.