FanHouse Lowrieseasoningsalt

As former President Andrew Johnson reported earlier this week, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox are not, in fact, the same team. I've never thought of them as an autonomous unit, but rather a set of bookends. Between them lies history, science, geography.. all of the important stuff, everything you need to know. Everything outside of them is just crap on your shelves.

As Andrew pointed out, the teams are run very differently. The Yankees have unzipped their, uh, coin purse and put their dense, cylindrical wrapped coins on the table, scooping up the available big names in a grand fashion that leaves nothing but a cloud of smoke and gold-laced footprints in the faces of the competition.

The Sox have responded by holding up a picture of Dustin Pedroia and trying to find every free agent who looks remotely like him. It's been a running gag in our strip for a while now, but the Red Sox need to sign Delmon and Dmitri Young to keep me from going snowblind next season.

The whitest Dugout u'know is after the jump.

The original title of this Dugout was "JOSH BARD TO RED SOX," because I want the skimming people to read it, too. In case you're skimming this too, Boston has reportedly reached an agreement with catcher Josh Bard for $1.7 million. Yes, if you can somehow make it to the Major Leagues with the ability to hit .200 you too can be a millionaire. They will pay you almost two million dollars to sit in the minors and suck the ass of baseball. I guess everybody else there is a millionaire and they don't want you to feel bad.

For a greater hit-count, please enjoy tonight's Dugout, a straight-forward affair about... oh you aren't falling for this anymore, it is as crooked-forward as I could make it. Please continue via the jump.

Red Sox captain Jason Varitek is only being offered a one-year deal by the team. Given the circumstances, he's likely done in Boston. So in 2009, Varitek will hit .246 for, like, the Newark Blood Hens, and the Sox will be left with an empty captain's chair.

Why do baseball teams assign team leaders with a naval rank, rather than "field general" or something? What does a captain do? And once he's gone, will they even be able to tell?

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

What's great is that that guy on the right can reuse his sign if it doesn't snow in Philadelphia until January. Why did he draw snowflakes in the corners? Did he need to fill the negative space that badly? Maybe this is his 756th sign and there was a problem.

In case you did not read part 1 and are unable to scroll your browser down slightly, tonight's Dugout is a two-parter that seeks to celebrate the accomplishment that is winning a World Series and condemn any team that did not win said Series as a "bad team." Maybe it's the Cleveland sports fan in me. If you made it to the World Series and won 1 game your season has ended in SHAME and MISERY for all who support you! Sign Mark Teixeira and call me when it's next September!

Wait, what am I typing again? Part 2 actually contains an undercurrent of "yay Phillies" while maintaining that "uh oh, everyone else" thing I've been bred to feel. Part 2 of 2 is after the jump.