FanHouse Michaeltehader

The Astros exceeded expectations last season, but they still have some changes to make if they want the baseball world to see them as a serious contender. First, the bottom half of their tentative rotation (Brian Moehler, Russ Ortiz, the half of Mike Hampton that hasn't crumbled off) is looking pretty dicey. And second, their logo continues to look like that of an Internet service provider. Ever wonder why the cable guy never shows up on time? He's busy playing mediocre baseball in Texas.

Astros fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

You mess with the fat old bull you get the fat old horns!

Today the Dugout continues its Spring Training tradition and its center-of-the-Earth-like journey through the NL Central with the Houston Astros, a team so into media coverage that you'd almost forget they play baseball.

I like to think that Clemens is just a fan of Larry David and is doing this as an artistic homage to getting in trouble at work, quitting dramatically, and then just showing up the next day like nothing happened. Either that or he is just SO GUILTY that his body can't handle it and his guilt is seeping out of him and turning him into a giant Tetsuo monster. Either way, "hey guys, the Astros."

Hold on, I'm going to change into my Sports Writing pants for a second.

How dare you, Miguel Tejada. How dare you treat the citizens of this great state of America with such disregard, such painful abandon, such un-sincerity. How dare you point your cold, skeletal finger at our government and say, "I did not have sexual relations with that steroid." How dare you, Miguel Tejada. How dare you indeed!

/takes off pants

I hope we find out that Miggy is 100% clean, that he only stuffed creatine up his butthole to keep his iron up or something, and that we find out how big of a jackass any sportswriter is who'd vilify a sports celebrity for something like this. After the jump, I kind of condescend on people who aren't from America in a secondhand, found art sort of way, and then rats attack!