Before you read tonight's non-tangential Dugout (not to be confused with tonight's non-tanned-genital Dugout, which is about Jose Canseco), make sure you read R&B star Eamonn Brennan's servicing of Kelly Ripa pulling Merkle-esque boner on Live with Regis and Kelly. For you see, Mike Schmidt's last name may be easily mispoken as the waste matter discharged from the intestines through the anus. Don't look at me, I had no idea either until I watched that video.
The video is not S for W, but thanks to the magic of asterisks you should be able to read the transcript of what went down by clicking below. I would like to say in advance that I have nothing against Kelly Ripa and she seems like a fine woman, and the cuter you are, the easier it is for you to use the colloquial form of "doodie" on daytime television without repurcussion. I would also like to say that the people I can remember from the show "Channel One" really date me.
(Video warning: Very cute woman making an adorable, but NSFW, linguistic error.)
The World Series is the time, more than any other, when baseball starts to cross over into other sectors of our lovely society. At casual dinner conversations. Among single-serving friends at airports. In politics. In Kelly Ripa's oh-so-adorable consciousness, where she just knows the name of her favorite player, but can't ... quite ... whoops:
Most people would get an FCC fine for that. Not Kelly. Fining her would be like fining your puppy for being too cute. It's impossible.
This Mets/Phillies rivalry must really be heating up if former players are willing to join the fray. Phillie legend Mike Schmidt decided that before this big series with the Mets at Shea Stadium, he would write a motivational speech via e-mail through Charlie Manuel, who posted it in the Phillies locker room before Friday's 3-0 win (I guess it worked).
"One pitch, one at bat, one play, one situation, think 'small' and 'big' things result, tough at-bats, lots of walks, stay up the middle with men on base, whatever it takes to 'keep the line moving' on offense, 27 outs on defense, the Mets know you're better than they are," Schmidt said in the letter.
"They remember last year. You guys are never out of a game. Welcome the challenge that confronts you this weekend. You are the stars. Good luck. #20."
Injured closer Billy Wagner of the Mets didn't have much to say in response, except: "Did Gary Carter send us one?"
The era of the medication endorsing athlete, while still early, has been pretty good to us. No one will every forget when Rafael Palmeiro came out with the Viagra ads or those fascinating Nolan Ryan Advil collaborations.
Okay, so those are a little clownish (or suspicious in Raffy's case) and certainly, Mike Schmidt's willingness to tackle BPH and the issues that surround an enlarged prostate are much more worthwhile. Granted, the subject is ready available humor for those without any sense of decorum and a heavily juvenilized mind, but there's nothing funny about dudes getting older and having to pee a lot.
"These bathroom breaks got in the way of life's normal moments," explains Schmidt. "When my doctor diagnosed me with BPH, I was relieved to learn that it was a common condition. I was also relieved to know BPH is not cancer. Together, we developed a game plan to manage my symptoms with Uroxatral(R) (alfuzosin HCl 10 mg extended-release tablets)."
I report this "news" at the risk of Enrico and the rest of Philly hunting me down, but it turns out that Mike (JACK!) Schmidt just really does not care for Philly Cheesesteaks. He's well aware of the finest cheesesteak joints in town, but claims that he never really made it downtown a lot because he lived outside Philly. Also note that I'm really only posting this because Mike Golic works himself into a veritable froth before asking Jack what his favorite cheesesteak is. Combine Golic's reaction with the build-up they give Schmidt and I'm sorry, but the clip is just hilarious.
Don't get me wrong -- I always loved Schmidt just because guys like he and Dale Murphy were legit heroes for little kids like myself back in the day. And he's not insulting Philly at all here, Golic just kills me, is all.
I'm sure having former athletes make a live appearance in the broadcast booth seems like a good idea in production meetings, but in reality it's always ends up being a bit of a wild card whether they'll finish the segment without making a complete ass of themselves (see: Sutcliffe, Rick).
The Phillies recently had Mike Schmidt on the air, and while Schmidt did manage to avoid cursing or go on the air completely hammered, he still finished the appearances with his foot firmly placed in his mouth. Phillies announcer Harry Kalas innocently leads with a question about his golf game and, well, just read the transcript yourself. From Philadelphia Will Do, via the always entertaining Awful Announcing:
Harry: "It's a full count here to Willie Harris. Getting down to another sport, Michael Jack, how's your golf game?"
Mike Schmidt: "Pretty good, Harry. I've been beating the hell out of my wife pretty regularly."
Awkward pause; muted laughter
Harry: "At golf, I hope? At golf, I hope. Line drive and that's a fair ball..."
Via the gaggle of baseball bloggers over at Bugs and Cranks, comes this most excellent 1986 PSA featuring former Phillies star Mike Schmidt. This is seriously pretty intimidating. Just look at the way he stares into the camera with his mustache, telling you about the dangers of cocaine. It scared me straight.
To recap: cocaine = bad. Public service announcements from the 1980's = pure awesomeness.
"Wait, what did you say my name was?"
This Mets/Phillies rivalry must really be heating up if former players are willing to join the fray. Phillie legend 
