FanHouse Monica Lewinsky

Nothing like a slew of spicy allegations to really rev up the Monday morning, especially when they pertain to Roger Clemens. We've got everything from envelopes of cash to partying with Monica Lewinsky. But how do these allegations sort out in the sordid spectrum of celebrity society? Ranking the Rank finds out.

5. FedEx envelopes full of cash -- Nothing really illegal about this one, although the immoral factor is pretty high if the money is being shipped to a mistress - celebrity type. Still, Rocket. You're ridiculously rich, man. Hire a real courier. Or write a check. It's just as traceable as that FedEx insurance slip you're filling out while shipping American currency.

4. Trips to Las Vegas -- Sure, what happens there stays there, but how cliche can you be? Take the alleged mistress to Vegas? Meh. Not to mention, every dood knows that you don't trot your celebrity lady-friend out in the public like that; you gotta use the private jet and roll to some secluded island.

2. Partying with Monica Lewinsky -- One would assume that these "sources" are gonna drop the biggest names possible ... and that's the best you can do, Rog? Come on. You [allegedly without cheating] won a slew of Cy Youngs. Sure, you don't have a no-hitter, but you can still pull bigger celebrity than her, right?

2. Losing your lady friend to Dean Cain -- Sure, Cain played Superman, but that doesn't excuse getting beat out by the guy. You talk about mid-90's D-list celebrities, well, this guy is definition "wheelhouse". Rocket's inability to pull Teri Hatcher on a spite move (no word yet on whether he actually tried or not) doesn't help his status either.

1. 15 Year Old Mistress -- Yeaaaah. There's nothing remotely appropriate about that.

This morning's revelation of Roger Clemens's alleged affair with an underage Mindy McCready certainly got the week off to an entertaining start. Beyond Clemens's alleged infidelity, the fact that the couple is rumored to have spent time partying with Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan, two of the biggest pop cultural icons of the 1990's, is pretty interesting as well. They weren't just hanging out nearby, either.

McCready, according to a source, even bummed a cigar off His Airness to give to Clemens.

At least she didn't bum it from Lewinsky. God knows that wouldn't have been sanitary.

All of these bombshells are dropping because of Clemens's defamation suit against Brian McNamee and, as is part of any defense, the trainer and his lawyers are finding anything they can to counter arguments that Clemens possesses the pristine character he claims. We've done a little digging* and found out some other things Clemens probably doesn't want coming out about his activities in the 90's.

When you're Roger Clemens, and you're (allegedly!) in love with then-15-year-old country music star Mindy McCready, you spare no expense. Impressing 15-year-olds isn't easy; it's always "I'm fat" this, and "my lack of self-doubt is crippling" that. You've got to keep them moving, man! Keep them engaged! Keep them ... partying with Monica Lewinsky!

Sources say that when McCready, now 32, and Clemens were together, there was barely any friction between them. The two were known to take lavish trips to Las Vegas and New York. One time, McCready attended a Yankees game at the Stadium and jokingly donned a catcher's mask near the home dugout. During another Big Apple excursion, the two holed up in the trendy SoHo Grand and later partied with Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan.

See? Now that's how you keep an underage, illegal relationship thriving. It's all about the attention. The celebrities. Dating 15-year-olds isn't just a psychologically complex, culturally driven phenomenon eating at the blurry lines of common sexual mores. It's hard work.

Plus, if you're worried about improving self-esteem, hanging out with Lewinsky is like hitting the motherlode. Literally.