FanHouse Nba All Star Game

This award goes to the Least Valuable Performer not in the All-Star game itself, but of the entire All-Star weekend. Some people seemed interested in only removing joy from the festivities, and they deserve to be recognized.

The nominees:

Wayne Newton. I know he's a Vegas icon, and he's probably a hell of a guy, but ... I don't understand his appeal, and I'm tired of looking at his "face." When it's time to put a likeness of Wayne into a wax museum, just wait until he dies, and put the actual Wayne Newton in there. I'm pretty sure the composition is about the same. Wayne Newton is guaranteed not to decompose.

The NBA. I realize that I had them nominated for MVP, too, but they made their share of poor decisions. First was not allowing Dwight Howard to move the rim up to 12-feet for a dunk. That seemed joyless and unnecessary. Then, they wouldn't let Nate Robinson dunk over a card table and a Playboy bunny. Also joyless. And to top it all off, they failed to deliver on Bette Midler.

Tyrus Thomas. He talked about just wanting to get paid, and he put pressure on himself to perform ... and he showed up and performed average dunks, one of which he couldn't even make. Bad weekend for Tyrus Thomas.

Michael Jordan. Maybe the greatest dunker ever ... inarguably the worst dunk contest judge ever. He gave out one "10" all night, and it was on a (relatively) pedestrian effort by Gerald Green on the last dunk of the evening. I will go to my grave believing that Dwight Howard was robbed of this title, and Jordan is the main reason for it.

Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert did perform the trampoline dunk at a timeout, which was fantastic, but ... weren't you expecting more from Gilbert this weekend? Other than that, all we got was that palms-up hands gesture that I haven't quite figured out. Nothing remarkable during the three-point contest, nothing remarkable during the game ... well, other than when TNT mics caught him saying he would "cross Kobe up," which was followed immediately by Kobe taking him to the hole.

And the winner is...

Michael Jordan. I cannot forgive the judging of the Dwight Howard dunk. I know Michael wasn't the only one, but he's being chosen as a representative of the group. The whole night, and I'm sure that this was different later on at the casinos with Charles, but Jordan sat at the table and seemed so curmudgeonly and austere. All-Star Weekend didn't need him.

That's Damon Jones and Deion Sanders hanging out doing before the NBA All-Star game. Damon and Deion have a lot in common. They both have loud personalities, they both like attention, they both like to be bold in the area of fashion, both their names start with 'D', and both are about of equal value to the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Who's got the upper hand in fashion? In this game, I'm rolling with Deion. I love the icy-white hat coordinating with the equally clean untucked white shirt. It looks tremendous underneath the white windowpanes on the slick gray suit. It's not just bold, it's well put-together. Deion's been doing this for a long time.

Damon Jones, meanwhile, is half-steppin'. The wine-colored velvet blazer is absurd, but the entire ensemble isn't absurd enough. It's like, "Yes, I want to be outrageous, but I'm not willing to go all the way with it." He's paired it with a simple black dress shirt and simple black pants. Commit to it, Damon, or just get out. I expect better from you.

This award goes to the Most Valuable Performer not in the All-Star game itself, but of the entire All-Star weekend. Even if a guy performed brilliantly during the game, it doesn't necessarily mean they helped make the weekend fun ... and conversely, a guy could've made the whole weekend a lot of fun, even if he wasn't very good, or even didn't play in the game.

The nominees:

Shaquille O'Neal: I've not always been Shaq's biggest fan, but he's always embraced the role of the game's ambassador, and I think that's important. Shaq not only boogied down during the All-Star practice, but forced Dwight Howard and LeBron to do it with him, dragging some personality out of them. Had his customary moment as point guard doing the game, he kissed Tracy McGrady, and had that goofy slot-machine shoe.

Charles Barkley: Could be the MVP here, and is almost certainly the MVP among Vegas blackjack dealers this weekend. His personality was all over TNT's coverage all weekend long, and he never disappoints. The Barkley vs. Bavetta race was about the most fun thing that's ever been on television. Charles is a natural promoter and entertainer.

Kobe Bryant: His nomination is based almost entirely on his game performance, and is probably the weakest of the candidates. Still, his flair for the dramatic and ability to create highlights stood out above everyone else's on Sunday night. Without Kobe, that game could have been really ugly.

Dwight Howard: Deserved to win the dunk contest, but in getting robbed and not winning, his legacy as a dunk contest martyr may actually live on longer than if he had won. His dunk will be talked about for the eternity of the dunk contest and Howard might be responsible for a rule change next year, requiring judges to review tape before grading the dunks. Had some outstanding game highlights, too.

The NBA: At the end of the weekend, more than anything else, I just felt really good about the NBA. The Association is not without its flaws, but David Stern does work hard to make sure that All-Star weekend is something that's a lot of fun for the fans to watch. And this year, even with a mediocre game, it certainly was that.

And the winner is ...

Shaquille O'Neal. Awarded on the basis of this year's performance, and also as sort of a lifetime achievement award. Shaq is aware of his responsibility to be a promoter and ambassador of the game. It seemed to me this year that he was making a concerted effort to pass the torch to Dwight Howard, getting him to dance during the practice, and stepping aside so Howard had the playing time in the actual game. Shaq gets it, and he wants the younger guys to be able to get it when he's gone.

Michael Jackson wanted front-row tickets to the NBA All-Star Game in Vegas so he could see, first-hand, just how "Bad" and "In the Closet" Vince Carter really is. (I kid, I kid.) Fortunately, though, the NBA is all out of 'em.

A well-placed source says Wacko Jacko waited too long to call for tickets - the front-row seats had already been promised to Jack Nicholson, Christina Aguilera, Jay-Z, Diddy, Nelly and Adam Sandler. "The tickets he wants are not available at this time," said our insider.

Thank. God. I was planning to watch this year's All-Star game on a friend's 42-inch television. The last thing I want to see with some nachos and a few beers in me is a high-definition close-up of that "thing" formerly known as his face. Ugh. Jacko almost makes Sam Cassell look hot. (Sorry, Mr. Hardaway.)

(Mad, mad respect: With Leather)

Sarcastic, annoying voice in three, two, one . . . I'm telling you, man, at this rate Jerome James will be the East's starting point guard by Sunday afternoon! Hiyo! Yuck, yuck, yuck . . . and end voice.

NBA commissioner David Stern selected Hawks' guard Joe Johnson for the Eastern All-Star team today as a replacement for Nets' bachelor Jason Kidd. Kidd will miss Sunday night's game thanks to a massive Vegas hangover back injury.

Can't say I have any qualms with Stern's (hopefully) final pick. It was either "The Armadillo Cowboy" or Bucks' injured gunner Michael Redd, and well . . . the last thing we need is to have to start picking replacements for the replacements.

The Armadillo Cowboy -- yes, I'm gonna keep hammering this nickname home -- is averaging 25.1 points, 4.3 assists and 4.2 rebounds per game this season. He is the fifth -- fifth! -- replacement player named this week. He joins Ray Allen, Carmelo Anthony, Josh Howard and Mehmet Okur as Las Vegas' ol' sloppy seconds.