FanHouse Nietomosquito

As reported earlier today, former All-Star, World Series champion, and all-around somewhat competent baseball player Chuck Knoblauch has been charged with hitting his common-law wife in the face and choking her like she was a female police officer. Since his premature retirement at the age of 34, Knoblauch has steadily and consistently descended into a weird kind of personal madness usually reserved for aging soul singers and professional wrestlers.

There aren't a lot of details at this time, so tonight's Dugout heads back to the glory days of the Yankees and revisits the Knob gobbler in his prime. Warning: this Dugout contains frank discussions about domestic abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

Babe, it's a hard life
God makes you live

But without it,
Don't doubt it
You don't even have
Your tears to give

- "Hard Life," Bonnie Prince Billy

If you are unfamiliar with Tom Nieto's role in The Dugout, I humbly ask that you read some of these before you read this one. Your second Dugout of the day is after the jump.

Tonight, the Rays' Jason Bartlett stole second base. In accordance with a Taco Bell promotion, you will be entitled to a free taco next week. Here is the conversation you will have with the person across the counter:

"Will this be for here or to go?"
"To go."
"Would you like a free taco?"
"Why am I getting a free taco?"
"Some dude ran real fast."
"I hate this country."

Tonight's Dugout is unnecessarily high in sodium and after the jump.

Headline: COLLUSION!

Barry Bonds is being kept out of baseball, and nobody can understand why. The fans don't understand. They want to see Barry hit the homers! The owners don't understand. Who wouldn't want a great player like Barry Bonds on their team? He has hit so many home runs! The MLBPA doesn't understand. Barry is a loving, pleasant man who brings smiles to faces wherever he goes. So what can it be?

Barry and his agent attempt to figure it all out in today's Dugout, after the jump.

Jose Canseco is a pretty cool guy, right? He did steroids, then wrote a book about how everybody else did steroids, too. He bragged about his boxing prowess and then got trounced in the first round of his Celebrity Boxing exhibition. He's made a post-baseball career out of exploitation and reality shows. And once when I was seven he refused to even look at me when I asked him for an autograph. Blogger remorse!

So with that said, it is with my deepest sincerity that I hope the first question on Canseco's upcoming episode of The Moment of Truth is "Are you a douchebag?" Canseco can answer no and fail right out. Or even funnier, he can answer "yes," THAT answer can be false, and he can go on a journey of self-discovery.

Whatever. Today's Dugout is after the jump.

BREAKING: Tom Nieto is in the news! Nieto has agreed to take a coaching staff position with the Cincinnati Reds. Boy, he sure wasn't out of work long!

No, I'm kidding. Of course Tom Nieto is still unemployed. I set up a Google Alert for "tom nieto" a couple of weeks ago. Nothing. No mention in a single news story. Well, we at The Dugout refuse to allow his name to be shoved into the oubliette of time and forgotten. FanHouse is your one-stop shop for Nieto-centric speculation. You can count on us.

Let's see what our friend is up to these days! This evening's Dugout is after the jump.

When the Mets fired Willie Randolph, they also fired something much more important: first base coach Tom Nieto. A week and a half ago Jon authored Remember Tom Nieto, a pulitzer prize-quality Dugout about his exit from the big city and the ridiculousness of firing a guy when his last name is "Nieto." I'm with Jon, I wouldn't fire a guy named "Nieto" if he were in my employ, be he my stock broker, gynecologist, or street sweeper.

But to really remember Tom Nieto we have to explore who Tom Nieto is, so today, with the help of instant messenger logs from the mid-eighties and a heapin' helpin' of CGI, we explore a flashpoint in Tom Nieto's storied career: the day, the one and only single day he shared on the Montreal Expos with Terry Francona.

Remember Tom Nieto as we do, after the jump.

As reported far too early in the morning by our Matt Watson, the Mets decided to can manager Willie Randolph, pitching coach Rick Peterson, and first base coach Tom Nieto.

The name "Tom Nieto" ranks above "Oil Can Boyd" and below "Urban Shocker" on the list of greatest baseball names ever. I could never fire a man named Tom Nieto, were he in my employ as a dishwasher, plumber, nurse or attorney. I'd bring him into my office, say his name aloud, start laughing, and send him back to work with a smile.

I don't know. Maybe first base coach Tom Nieto was really bad at looking at a ball in play and judging whether it was appropriate for the runner to take an extra base. What? How can someone be bad at that? There are so many things I don't know.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.