In case you have not heard and are unable to read any other words on this page, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz join the list of approximately 100 players who tested positive for steroids in 2003. Ortiz has been vocal about banning players who tested positive, and Manny is currently being celebrated as some sort of RBI-giving folk hero in Los Angeles. The relationship between Ortiz and Manny has been an important one to the development and growth of The Dugout's overreaching narrative, and in times like these we have to dig deeply to find the right thing to say.
Lately, it's becoming harder and harder to find anything "right" to say about steroids in baseball. So, tonight, we attempt to just say everything. After the jump, tonight's Dugout is presented in five different points of view. We encourage you to find the one that suits you best, and enjoy it.
Manny Ramirez is in the news again for saying... well, I don't know. I haven't had a chance to make the news rounds yet, but I'm going to bet Manny spoke to reporters long enough to tell them that Jamie Hoffman or whoever has severe mental retardation and is therefore "not really a person," and how Manny should be starting in his place, suspension or no. Then two days later Manny apologizes, and we forgive him, because he is really, really good at baseball.
I find it a lot easier to forgive Manny Ramirez on the internet, where his sociological problems can be explained away as childlike innocence. Other things I enjoy doing on the Internet: making grown up millionaires talk like messed up babies, and posting today's Dugout, which is after the jump.
The season ends, and I get depressed. But the offseason still needs Dugouts, so I bust "A" and work hard to find stories and interesting situations for Dugouts throughout the offseason, when no baseball is occuring and everything is heresay and conjecture. Five months go by and we've done 2,000 Dugouts about (essentially) nothing. We keep saying, "Man, I can't wait until the season starts, and doing Dugouts will be easier!"
Then the season starts. Suddenly, it is three weeks later and we've been sitting on our butts loving baseball. We turn to our left, see our computer, go "OH CRAP THE DUGOUT" and spend the entire season making up for the first month we missed.
Oh, and I almost forgot: tonight's Dugout is after the jump.
As former President Andrew Johnson reported earlier this week, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox are not, in fact, the same team. I've never thought of them as an autonomous unit, but rather a set of bookends. Between them lies history, science, geography.. all of the important stuff, everything you need to know. Everything outside of them is just crap on your shelves.
As Andrew pointed out, the teams are run very differently. The Yankees have unzipped their, uh, coin purse and put their dense, cylindrical wrapped coins on the table, scooping up the available big names in a grand fashion that leaves nothing but a cloud of smoke and gold-laced footprints in the faces of the competition.
The Sox have responded by holding up a picture of Dustin Pedroia and trying to find every free agent who looks remotely like him. It's been a running gag in our strip for a while now, but the Red Sox need to sign Delmon and Dmitri Young to keep me from going snowblind next season.
The original title of this Dugout was "JOSH BARD TO RED SOX," because I want the skimming people to read it, too. In case you're skimming this too, Boston has reportedly reached an agreement with catcher Josh Bard for $1.7 million. Yes, if you can somehow make it to the Major Leagues with the ability to hit .200 you too can be a millionaire. They will pay you almost two million dollars to sit in the minors and suck the ass of baseball. I guess everybody else there is a millionaire and they don't want you to feel bad.
For a greater hit-count, please enjoy tonight's Dugout, a straight-forward affair about... oh you aren't falling for this anymore, it is as crooked-forward as I could make it. Please continue via the jump.
What a game. My good friend/Dugout associate Mike was in attendance and had the time of his life, a life which included Massachusetts native and former WWE champion John Cena there in Rays gear. LeBron James was also in attendance, wearing a Yankees hat, a Patriots jersey, and San Antonio Spurs shorts. And a hockey thing.
To help his cause, the aforementioned Mike has designed new Dugout playoff shirts that are available to purchase from our foreign warehouses at Spreadshirt! Support your favorite player or team (or hackneyed photo-comic comedy blogger) by buying one or more in any of our new styles.
For further information about the ALCS and "The Dugout," please click below.
Only a day after the pivotal Dugout of the season, the passage of time and the inevitability of happenstance thrusts the trade of Manny Ramirez on us. And not just a trade: a trade full of organization-bashing and apathy after a season devoted to disproving the character we'd developed. Our Manny has always been a bit slow, but he's also always been the kind of guy who means well and tries hard, even when he's goofing around. He's misunderstood. He's just "being Manny."
Well, "being Manny" has a different definition now.
As the Farnsworth story comes full circle, the MannyTheTorpedoes story comes to an end. Next week: Dontrelle Willis wins the Pulitzer Prize and Bill Pecota reveals that he prefers football. Tonight's Dugout, the end of an era, is after the jump.
Oh, Manny being Manny. Such a life it is to be a stupid Red Sox fan who doesn't care what one of their star players does as long as they put up consistent power numbers. Or, that is to say, to be a fan of Manny the baseball player and couldn't care less if he sold organs on the black market in his free time. He's never been an impressive human being off of the field, so why should this change anything? Granted, he seemed harmless before this past season, but who's trying to get him a bid for the Clemente this year? No one, because he's generally selfish and inattentive. Screw it, he's still my boy.
The Red Sox win! The Red Sox win! The Red Sox win! American Citizenship!
As reported on Fanhouse yesterday, David "The Large Father" Ortiz is now officially a citizen of the United States of America. What does this mean for Ortiz? Jury duty, blind allegiance to a political party, a sheet full of talking points about how they "went out there and played their game," and, on those very special pseudo-annual occasions, the McRib sandwich at participating McDonald's.
David Ortiz''s American Tale begins in tonight's Dugout, after the jump.
The ESPN ticker for the mock Negro Leagues draft as it stands:
Round 1
1. New York Yankees - Cool Papa Bell (CF) 2. Washington Nationals - a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, which are pretty much the worst kind of Dorito 3. Chicago White Sox - Buck O'Neil (1B) 4. Boston Red Sox - David Ortiz (DH) 5. New York Yankees - Manny Ramirez (LF)
Upcoming picks
6. Cincinnati Reds 7. Detroit Tigers 8. Kansas City Royals 9. New York Yankees 10. New York Yankees again
In case you have not heard and are unable to read any other words on this page, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz join the list of approximately 100 players who tested positive for steroids in 2003. Ortiz has been vocal about banning players who tested positive, and Manny is currently being celebrated as some sort of RBI-giving folk hero in Los Angeles. The relationship between Ortiz and Manny has been an important one to the development and growth of The Dugout's overreaching narrative, and in times like these we have to dig deeply to find the right thing to say.
This seriously happens to me every year.
As former President 
The original title of this Dugout was "JOSH BARD TO RED SOX," because I want the skimming people to read it, too. In case you're skimming this too, Boston has reportedly reached an agreement with catcher 
What a game. My good friend/Dugout associate 
Only a day after the 
Oh, Manny being Manny. Such a life it is to be a stupid Red Sox fan who doesn't care what one of their star players does as long as they put up consistent power numbers. Or, that is to say, to be a fan of Manny the baseball player and couldn't care less if he sold organs on the black market in his free time. He's never been an impressive human being off of the field, so why should this change anything? Granted, he seemed harmless before this past season, but who's trying to get him a bid for the Clemente this year? No one, because he's generally selfish and inattentive. Screw it, he's still my boy.
Prerequisite: 
