FanHouse Regis Philbin

"Wait, what did you say my name was?"

Before you read tonight's non-tangential Dugout (not to be confused with tonight's non-tanned-genital Dugout, which is about Jose Canseco), make sure you read R&B star Eamonn Brennan's servicing of Kelly Ripa pulling Merkle-esque boner on Live with Regis and Kelly. For you see, Mike Schmidt's last name may be easily mispoken as the waste matter discharged from the intestines through the anus. Don't look at me, I had no idea either until I watched that video.

The video is not S for W, but thanks to the magic of asterisks you should be able to read the transcript of what went down by clicking below. I would like to say in advance that I have nothing against Kelly Ripa and she seems like a fine woman, and the cuter you are, the easier it is for you to use the colloquial form of "doodie" on daytime television without repurcussion. I would also like to say that the people I can remember from the show "Channel One" really date me.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Prop Bets for the College Football Junkie is a weekly post that cares not for your silly point spreads. If you have the money and the gumption, we'll lay down a weekly gauntlet of propositions that'll take you from the penthouse to the outhouse faster than you can guess the number of times Lee Corso will say "not so fast my friend." As always, this is for entertainment purposes only.

$ Lou Holtz has put his foot in his mouth each of the last two weeks in the controlled environment of the studio. So what does ESPN do? Not suspend him for saying basically the same thing Jemele Hill said. No, they put him in front of a mic for three hours for the Thursday night game between West Virginia and Auburn. If there was ever a "give him enough rope" move by a broadcasting company, this is it. So naturally, we put the straight up bet to you loyal reader. Will Lou Holtz say something inflammatory? Yes, West Virginia jokes count!

$ Lets go with this. Let's say his does get suspended or fired. I'm not advocating it, because I enjoy him in his natural state or doing the pep talks. But let's face it, ESPN will have to do something if he has another slip up. Here's a multiple choice straight up bet that one of the following will happen if Holtz is fired:

-Mark May's perceived IQ will drop 50 points automatically.

-Trev Alberts will walk back into the Bristol studios with a "show me the money" look on his face.

-Regis Philbin will show interest, but someone will mention that the last guy was a Notre Dame guy.

$ Continuing with the same theme, Holtz won't sit idle for long. NBC would probably love to have him doing commentary on Notre Dame games. So we put the over/under on the number of times NBC will ask him to tone down the homerism in the first month at 10.

Every Thursday, Pickin' on the Big Ten breaks down action across the conference.

ABOVE: A rare photograph of a Michigan player holding on to a football somewhat securely.

Conference play finally starts this weekend, which should bring a temporary halt to the chorus of "... but they haven't played anybody yet" coming from all corners of the college football universe. With the real games ready to start, let's take a look back at some notable accomplishments in the non-conference season.

Best win: Wisconsin over Fresno State, though I imagine Minnesota's beatdown of Florida Atlantic felt pretty good after what happened last season.

Worst loss: Notre Dame over Michigan. Yeah, OSU lost by more points and looked bad doing it, but at least the Buckeyes lost to a good team.

Worst win: Ohio State over Ohio, a sloppy game which told us the Bucks had no chance against USC the following week.

Best loss: California over Michigan State, thanks to some last-second Cal heroics. Would be Oregon over Purdue, if only the Ducks hadn't lost to Boise State.

Most improved team: Minnesota, which apparently has discovered the importance of putting up at least a token defense.

Puking up pastry: Indiana, who had two seemingly impressive wins over Western Kentucky and Murray State nullified by a Lehman Brothers-like meltdown against Ball State. And speaking of those Hoosiers ...

Most discussions of steroids begin with the premise that using steroids is always bad. But today on Live with Regis and Kelly, of all places, there was a discussion with a decidedly different twist:

Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa were discussing their own use of cortisone -- which is a steroid, but not an illegal anabolic steroid. Philbin then said, "But steroids have gotten a bad rap. I mean, boy, oh boy, everybody's condemning them and you're not allowed to have them.

When Ripa tried to draw a distinction between medical use of steroids and illegal use of anabolic steroids to build muscle, Philbin said, "What's wrong with that? What is wrong with that?" He then added, "I like having 'roid rage. I think it's funny."

Our nation has become so fanatical in its war on steroids that I'm sure Philbin is going to be criticized for such comments, but I'd like to see more such questions asked. If people want to use steroids to make their muscles bigger and stronger, why is it the government's job to stop them?