FanHouse Ron Mexico

As far as the United States Justice system is concerned, Michael Vick has served his debt to society. He spent the last 19 months in the clink, and now he's kicking it in his mansion. The terms of his probation stipulate that he get a job (his construction gig starts next week) and remain under house arrest when he's not wearing a hard hat.

But there will come a time when he seeks to return to the NFL. The first order of business is getting commissioner Roger Goodell to reinstate him, and then finding a club interested in his services. The former will be tougher than the latter, although neither appear insurmountable.

Good news: Michael Vick, convicted puppy murderer, is paying restitution for his crimes. Bad news: according to a Department of Labor complaint filed in federal court, he's doing so using roughly $1.3 million in pension plan funds.

The 0-13 Lions have many believing that a winless season is not only possible, but probable. This is 0for08, FanHouse's eye on the Detroit Lions and their quest for a winless season.

As the Lions continue their march to sweet, inglorious perfection, we should take a moment to recognize that Detroit fans, while they have a strong case, aren't the only ones suffering. The players aren't exactly enjoying the 2008 season, and are facing the very real possibility of earning one of those scarlet "0-16" patches.

In fact, things have reached such a low point that Lions center Dominic Raiola makes no apologies about giving the finger to less than supportive fans.

But asked if he regretted giving the fans the business, he said he didn't. "I don't take one thing back," Raiola said Monday. "I'll say the same thing to a fan that I see in the street. I wish I could give my address out to some fans. I'll do that.

"But, you know, I can't. Nobody plays with fists. Everybody wants to play with metal. So I can't. I'm so frustrated. I'm tired of being a doormat for people to just talk to us how they want to talk to us. I'm just not going to put up with it anymore."

Raiola's right, of course. Sure, the players are partly responsible -- they are playing, after all -- but head coach Rod Marinelli also deserves much of the blame, along with since-departed Matt Millen, the brains behind the current roster. (In fact, word the street is that Millen is still running the show. I'd be more shocked if you told me the Lions wouldn't bungle their first-overall pick in April.)

NFL.com is widely known for some pretty stringent practices regarding what customized jerseys it will allow to be made. For instance, you most certainly cannot make a "Ron Mexico" jersey. No how, no way.

The newest name on the computer's banned list? "Harris Smith," Plaxico Burress' Applebee's alias (and an early runner for "2009's Most Widely Abused Fantasy Football Team Name"). At least that's what NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy told Central Main Sports in response to their "Why can we still purchase a Rae Carruth jersey?" question.

"There are a number of jerseys that fans may not order online, including the ones you cite below (Michael Vick, Harris Smith, Ron Mexico, Lawrence Phillips). Those names are blocked immediately by a computer program which (unfortunately) is not all inclusive and may miss names from time to time. So a fan could type in names on the screen which would make it appear that he/she could purchase it. However, if a fan followed through with an order and attempted to purchase the jersey of a player like you named, we would catch it manually and would not make the jersey or ship the order. The fan would receive a notice that the order would not be fulfilled. Bottom line, you would not be shipped a jersey with the names you cited (Rae Carruth, Art Schlichter, OJ Simpson)."

So, yeah, the NFL is pretty lame AND predictable. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that it shouldn't really matter whatsoever if you want to put a convicted criminal or a fake herpes name on the back of your jersey that costs $200 freaking dollars to order. And I'm not even the poor, real Harris Smith who just wants a No. 17 Giants jersey.

Just when you thought this whole Plaxico Burress thing couldn't take another strange twist, it does. Earlier this morning, Will Brinson pointed out that Burress was spotted turning himself in to the proper authorities and walking without a limp -- something that seems quite odd considering he's not only out of the Giants lineup with a hamstring injury, but also just shot himself in the leg.

Even stranger, the New York Post is reporting that soon after Burress shot himself in the leg, he spent a good 90 minutes trying to find a hospital that would, essentially, sweep this whole thing under the rug.

Granted, I'm not a professional athlete who is facing a potential three years in jail for shooting myself in the leg with an unlicensed gun, but my first instinct after shooting myself in the leg wouldn't be, "who's going to sweep this under the rug for me?" but, "holy crap, I just shot myself in the leg, somebody help me!"

But, again, I'm not Plaxico Burress. And, funny thing is, after Burress found a hospital that he deemed worthy of treating his self-inflicted wound, he wasn't Plaxico Burress, either. He was Harris Smith.

So ends DeAngelo Hall's illustrious Oakland Raiders career. (And it only took eight weeks!) Man, that came out of nowhere, didn't it? I mean, I really believed him when he said the Raiders would have the league's best secondary this season.

Apparently, owner Al Davis got tired of seeing opposing wide receivers burn Hall to a crisp for three hours every Sunday. That it only took two months to come to this realization is a sure sign that the Raiders are serious about turning things around.

While we wait for that, word on the street is that the team asked Hall if he would consider restructuring his contract, he declined, and they promptly released him. But MeAngelo being MeAngelo, he didn't go quietly.

During last week's pimp-slapping at the hands of the Falcons, Hall got a little mouthy on his way to the locker room during halftime. From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (via TBL):

I'm beginning to think it's no coincidence that the Lions and Raiders are annually among the worst teams in the league. You can pin one losing season on bad luck, two to poor personnel decisions, but three or more and it's intentional.

Earth-shattering stuff, I know, but just one week after a Detroit writer put forth what, at the time, seemed like the worst idea ever -- the Lions should sign Michael Vick once he gets out of the joint -- a Bay Area scribe jumps on the Ron Mexico bandwagon on the Raiders' behalf.

Because, really, nothing screams organizational stability like bringing in an ex-con puppy murderer. I can't imagine how that might end badly. But as is often the case in sports, the potential for greatness, no matter how slight, trumps common sense. Cue the Oakland Tribune's Monte Poole:

Because I'm an unoriginal, lowly blogger, I suppose I should write about this: CLINTON PORTIS HEARTS O.J. SIMPSON!!!

I'm a big Portis supporter even though I pray nightly for baby Jesus to bring a plague on the House of Danny. Still, despite all the good things Portis brings to the world, he has a knack for misspeaking. Like the time he sorta sympathized with Ron Mexico, puppy murderer. Or earlier this month when he also sorta sympathized with "Adam" Pacman Jones.

And now, via the Bog's Dan Steinberg, we learn that Portis, in addition to loving Nordberg, also thinks sports blogs are filled with Rec Spec-wearing nerds who, in the immortal words of my high school health teacher, couldn't get laid in a whore house with a blank check.

First, Portis' initial comments about the Juice, prompted when the Washington Post's Sally Jenkins told him that he and the Juice were the only NFL backs to twice rush for at least 120 yards in five consecutive games: It's great company; it's one of the few times you can say O.J. is great company..."

Innocuous enough, right? Of course not. So here's Portis during his weekly appearance on the John Thompson Show:

I understand desperate times call for desperate measures and whatnot, and it's inconceivable that things could get much worse for the Detroit Lions -- even if they re-hired Matt Millen to play offensive line. But even with the organization wallowing in its own wretchedness, this idea, proposed by mlive.com's Tom Kowalski, is, well, mental.

Lions insider Tom Kowalski doesn't think imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick is the perfect solution to Detroit's quarterback controversy, but he does think the former Atlanta Falcons quarterback might be worth a look.

"I know the old Lions would never consider it, but you never know with the new Lions that they may think outside the box a little more - I think it's worth a shot."

Kowalski also added: "Vick's biggest problem when he was playing before was that his ego was out of control, he thought that the way he played the game was right, he had no humility to him at all ... After what he's gone through, my guess is he would appreciate the NFL and the opportunity to play football a lot more and might actually study the game plan and work on his technique - so why not take a shot?"

The Falcons unofficially began their descent into awfulness when they fired Jim Mora Jr. following the 2006 season. At the time, it seemed like a perfectly rational move -- Mora had underachieved for two years after making it to the NFC Championship game in 2004 -- but in retrospect, it was the first crack in the proverbial dike.

Puppy murder and Bobby Petrino would follow, and next thing you know the Falcons are 4-12 and have the third-overall pick in the '08 draft. Atlanta would use the pick on Boston College's Matt Ryan, and most of us just assumed he would sit and learn for a year before the new coaching staff threw him to the wolves.

Most us would assume wrong, apparently.

Rookie Matt Ryan will open the regular season as the Falcons' starting quarterback. The decision was made over the weekend and will be announced by coach Mike Smith after today's practice. ...

Clarity arrived after three preseason games in which Ryan, who took the majority of snaps, completed 32-of-52 passes for 277 yards, two touchdowns and an interception. He made his first start Friday against Tennessee and completed 15-of-21 passes for 102 yards and a touchdown.

Ryan has been praised by teammates for his leadership, diligence and huddle presence as well as his ability to make plays.